Saturday, March 31, 2012

8

Saturday, March 31, 2012, 12:01PM


My dad is a wise man.  He shows patience even though he is living a life he does not want to live.  He wanted to be a fighter pilot in the navy or work on cars, but he ended up working at a place where he is the only one with a college degree.  His wife can be infuriating (in my opinion) sometimes, but he just silently deals with it.  One of my goals is to save him from his life.

My father always said that everything can be seen as a battle between good and evil.  I hang on about every word my dad says, so right now I believe it.  This causes me to struggle with myself.  I tend to over-think.  I think one of the worries I have with the tulpa is that there could be a chance that it won't turn out well.  My philosophy is that it is not selfish to better myself by creating a tulpa because no one else is at risk.  It is also my belief that this is an intellectual expansion, not an evil act.  I am also in favor of creating a tulpa for the sake of experimentation-- if something goes terribly wrong, I can help save others.

This is the dark-romantic in me speaking: If it doesn't turn out well, I could not think of a better way to die.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/9.html

Friday, March 30, 2012

7

Friday, March 30, 2012, 9:08AM

A morning post!

I would like to mention that I used to have a few sorts of imaginary friends.  I tried to make one a while ago (maybe sometime last year).  I think the motive behind it was that I was so much different than my family and friends that I felt that I could not connect with any of them on a level that I wished.  Other than a way to work out my thoughts, it was uneventful because I did not invest much time into it.  I soon stopped paying attention to it and it just as soon faded away, though it would come back (spontaneous recovery) when I was in a certain mindset.

Another instance would be last summer when I decided to name my longboard.  From there, I began apologizing to it when it got beat up.  The reason I named it was because of a series of dreams I had before that time.  I had dreams that I was flying on a broomstick.  It made sense to me that my longboard would fit the role of my broomstick in real life.  Perhaps I saw it as too much of a coincidence to NOT name it.  I ride it every day from class to class and even take it for recreational rides at night.

After actually having a non-human to talk to, I don't think it is strange.  Pets such as dogs are very socially acceptable to converse with.  For the sake of emotional health, why not use a self-made construct if it helps with a problem?

Right now, I won't let my ankle heal from being rolled because I use that foot to kick with, but I am too attached to my board to give my ankle a rest.  It should heal over the weekend.  I still haven't run on the treadmill because of it.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/03/8.html

Thursday, March 29, 2012

6.2

Thursday, March 29, 2012, 9:14PM

I enjoy literature enough to make it a hobby, but I also type my thoughts down in order to process them.  This may be one of the reasons for this blog.  I find that I can make sense out of text better.  Upon studying for an upcoming exam, I came across a poem.  Here are two lines from it:

This afternoon was the colour of water falling through sunlight;
The trees glittered with the tumbling of leaves; 
 
This created in my mind a very vivid mental image when I focused on it.  Perhaps reading poetry would make a good mental exercise for tulpa visualization?

6

Thursday, March 29, 2012, 2:08PM

Today, I was reminded why I was doing this project.

I sat down for lunch with a group of other college students who I do not usually sit with.  After talking about snowboarding, we talked about the terrible college internet.  When I was getting ready to leave them, I told them, "Well, it was nice complaining with you."  One of them responded, "You should sit with us again."  I told them that I usually come to eat lunch at random times (my way of saying 'maybe').  As I was leaving, I asked one of them if she was in chemistry.  She told me that she was my lab partner.

I have read that tulpas give one the ability to recall pages of books.  You can imagine how tempting the ability of idyllic memory would be for someone like me.

Two more thoughts come to mind:
First, how hard will it be for me to picture my tulpa in my thoughts?
Second, how selfish am I for creating a tulpa in order to obtain improved memory?

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/03/7.html

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

5

Wednesday, March 28, 2012, 5:08PM

A few other people have tried out a "box" method of meditation.  They put their emotions into descriptive words and then imagine placing them in a container.  I don't know if I like this method.  I would like to be a non-conformist in some way.  When I read about the box thing, I told myself, "That's not something I would think to do, so I won't do it." Don't get me wrong!  It is beautiful how some people do it.  It even raises the bar for me.  I think the scientist in me is opposed to something like this.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/03/6.html

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

4.2

Tuesday, March 27, 2012, 2:32PM

I plan on keeping a gluttony-free diet.  I realized that I have a weakness to sugary foods.  I'm not going to completely stop eating sugar, but I'm going to cut down.  I don't know what rules I'm going to make for myself yet, but I was thinking:
1) No dessert after dinner.
2) If you are at a buffet, don't get more than one plate.
3) If your cravings are too strong, then leave the room that has food.
4) Eat less fruit and drink less fruit juice.  Substitute vegetables.

I have a buffet at my college for all meals, so I usually try to eat fast and leave fast.  I walked for about 70 minutes last Sunday, but it is already Tuesday.  Though I longboard frequently, I think I should hit the gym to jog or lift weights a little.  I want to start a good habit.

My thought process in being against gluttony is that I do not want to be a slave to my stomach.  I try to stay away from anything that is even slightly dehumanizing.  I once went through a phase in my life when I wanted magic to be real, so I researched it until I was obsessed.  A lot of what people call magic is very dehumanizing- the magic I sought could include any ability humans could possess, but the world did not know much about.  This includes psychology, music, and art: such are what make humans human.  I will meditate on how far I want to go.  Like always, I will try to stay away from extremes.

Monday, March 26, 2012

4

Tuesday, March 27, 2012, 2:34AM

I forgot to mention before:

I was running on the treadmill while listening to music on Sunday when I had some very vivid visualizations.  I have even made a playlist:
Nyctalgia- Lost in Timless Horizons
Helios- Coast Off
The Best Pessimist- Walking with Happiness
Reasoner- A Walk Down the Trail
Bon Iver- Perth (Paper Tigers Remix)
Blackmill- My Love
July Skies- Southern Orchards
Caspian- Of Foam and Wave
Mogwai- Take Me Somewhere Nice
Aphex Twin- Nanou 2
Oceanlab- Satellite (Arkasia Remix)
Ed Sheeran- The A Team (Fred V Bootleg)
... et cetera
When I got to one of the songs after Nanou 2, I got really pumped.  The songs really pertained to where I am in life in creating an angel or friend of sorts.

I often turn to thinking about my tulpa when I have nothing else to think about during the day.  I want to have no regrets in the creation process.  I was thinking of something that would bother me.  I don't want to have to re-edit my tulpa and have it get offended by me screwing my it up.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/03/5.html

3

Monday, March 26, 2012, 5:07PM

WARNING: This post is very abstract.  Don't feel bad if you don't understand it.
I had some time to think today.  I was thinking of the dangers of this project.  I do not want to lose control of my mind-- more than I already have.  I have these sort of flashbacks of bad memories which I cannot control.  I call them daymares.  I know that if there is a situation in which I could 'lose my mind', then this is it.  I have already decided to push forward until something bad happens, as I do not want to give up the chance of creating something incredible.  If something bad does happen, my flashbacks can either be good for preparing me for what may come or may be the flaw that grows to worsen.

To help counter mental torment, I made a few predictions as to how it could end up if I did lose control.  I have good empathy, so I could imagine how that level of torment might feel.  First, I lowered my mental defenses and increasing the bearable torment I experience daily to something I would panic to.  Panicking to me is, instead of reassuring myself and logically explaining things to myself silently, screaming for the voices to go away publicly.  In the prediction scenario, I could easily see myself having such an episode.

I thought of a solution: I would make myself a respectable person, but not so much that it would get to my head and make me overconfident.  I say 'not too much' because I would like to stay away from extremes as well.  Making myself a respectable person seems logical to me because the mind and body are linked in that if I exercise more, then I will be able to think more clearly.  In the end, I think I will 'be the boss' of my brain.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/03/4.html

Sunday, March 25, 2012

2.2

I have been looking around and it seems that a few people are visualizing at very fast paces-- in under ten sessions.  I do not think that this will be the case for me.  Even if I think I have it down, I don't want to rush this process.  This is a lot like a relationship.  People don't get married before they know each other very well.  Why not perfect it, then NOT progress further right away?  I am all for saving time, but I would rather become very comfortable than, say, kill two birds with one stone by both visualizing and feeling.  Perhaps I will change my opinion, but not likely.  I don't think my mind should be subjected to too many surprises too quickly.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/03/3.html

2

Sunday, March 25, 2012, 4:28AM

I started the blog last night at an unreasonable hour (for most people, 3am is not a good bedtime).  My sleep has never been regular.  I will tie that in soon.

What I wanted to say was that I predict many difficulties ahead.  I believe I am at a serious disadvantage.  This is good for you, because it makes this experiment more interesting.

Today, I would like to note how loud this house is.  When I am not in my college dorm, I tend to go home with my brother.  I will be staying at this house in the summer months.  Right now, I can hear a washing machine, people walking around the house, a television, and two lawnmowers.  There is no room in the house that is safe from noise or being occupied by a family member or one of my brothers' friends.  Now it is time to add this together and share my solution.

I have enhanced hearing.  It sounds like a good thing at first-- "Like a super hero! Right?"  Sure.  Every time one of our dogs barks, I will feel pain.  I will not be able to concentrate on conversations due to a distant water fountain's drizzle.  I can hear the tiniest click and the softest squeak, but it tests my patience.  Over the years, I have developed a compensation method for the over-stimulation, which is spacing out.  This is probably a good thing because I believe it expends valuable mental resources to try to comprehend, sort through, and respond to many sounds for hours on end.

In order to find a quiet place to meditate, I think I will have to create a different schedule for myself.  I had a helpful schedule last summer that involved sleeping part of the day away, but that had its own side-effects.

That's all I think I should say.  I don't want these posts to be too long.  For those who have thought to themselves, "Why not invest in earplugs?", I can hear many sounds through my skull, therefore night is the best option.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/03/22.html

Saturday, March 24, 2012

1

Saturday, March 24, 2005
Lately, I have been thinking of creating a thoughtform.  They call them tulpas.  Basically, tulpas are imaginary friends on steroids.  Tulpas develop their own personalities and can speak to you in a way a separate entity would.  I've never been one to be normal.  I might have tried once-- I try a lot of things.

To create a tulpa, one supposedly needs to go through intense meditation.  This meditation first involves visualization of the thoughtform.  Once every three-dimensional detail is memorized and can be pictured at will, the creator endows the creation with textural feeling in order to be able to touch it.  The other senses are added progressively in this manner.

The creator then gives the tulpa energy by casually visualizing it in daily life.  Once that is natural, the creator has dialogues with the tulpa until a response is heard.  This seems possible.  I'm going to try it-- it's what I do.  I have the absolute worst mind for this, so if I can do it, anyone can.

I want to be another piece of proof that this is possible.  There will be many obstacles in this experiment.  I will not mention them all here, but I must say that I am at a disadvantage.

Why am I doing this?  I don't know.  I don't want to do this for the wrong reasons.  It is like having a child for all of the right reasons-- we have to know why.  I have been thinking deeply on this and this will be a topic in future logs.

So far, I am still deciding what form my tulpa will take.  I am indecisive and this is an important choice, but I have been focusing on a single general idea for about three days.  I have not done any meditation sessions yet, as I am still a full-time college student.  I predict that progress will exponentially increase during the summer.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/03/2.html