Monday, April 30, 2012

38

Monday, April 30, 2012, 11:59PM

I fell asleep meditating, so this entry will be late.  At least I know now to not lay down when I am this tired!

I am getting better still.  I cannot think of any notes of interest.  Lying down is a no-go.  Distracting metal music is a no-go.  Isotones are good.  Even though I fell asleep meditating, I did not fall asleep thinking about my tulpa.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/05/39.html

Sunday, April 29, 2012

37

Sunday, April 29, 2012, 10:29PM

I meditated at around 3PM, so this is a little late.  Meditation was definitely the highlight of today.  I am getting better with each session.  My residence was the loft of my house on the couch that had my sitting imprint in it.  I chose try meditating next to my brother-- I tend to do better at most activities when I have someone to sort of 'feed off of' nearby.  My brain is getting better at comprehending complex shapes and keeping them from transforming.  I had a piece of paper beside me and what I experienced, I had to write down.

Here is what I wrote down:

"I feel the opposite of what is was in my heart.  Lightweight.  Laughter."

If the release from this world has a good feeling, that was the feeling.  I could not keep myself from smiling and, eventually, laughing.  I tingled all over.  It was like the pain that I was used to was gone or I was in that tingling stage of sleep.  I didn't even feel gravity pulling me down.  I felt true joy.  My writing continued:

"No voice convincing me that laughter is a sign of lack of control and therefore weakness."  

I felt like a kid who broke the vase, but my parents let me off the hook.  I really need to stop emphasizing voices in my head.  Think 'conscience.'

My hours of visualization were paying off.  I was using the hallway in front of me to scale my tulpa.  Facial features are still extremely abstract, but I eventually struggled with my mold to a good shape and kept that picture in my mind longer than I had hoped.  When I got up to take a drink (I basically drink water non-stop throughout the day), I could see my tulpa better than I could with my eyes closed.  I didn't want to go back to meditation because the image was imprinted right in front of me.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/38.html

Saturday, April 28, 2012

36.2

Saturday, April 28, 2012, 11:33PM

I meditated earlier today, but not for long.  There is nothing to say as far as significance goes.  Then again, I should explain anyway.  I don't know what assumptions you've made as to how I meditate, so I will include all I can.  I probably should have posted this a while ago, but better late than never.

I don't think I usually plan anything out, but I might feel more inclined to a certain method that day if I want to try something new.  Like water, I will choose the path of least resistance.
I pick a quiet place and make sure it is dark.  The last few times, I used my own dorm.  While my roommate is asleep or away, I sit cross-legged and slouch into a relaxed position (I find that it is easier than sitting up straight).  When the sun was rising, I put blankets up to block the light.
My hands do not touch, but are separated from one another by my smartphone, which stores figure anatomy references.  My method of learning is not brute force-- it is trying all sorts of methods in order to find the right one that works the best.
I look at the images for a long time, noting the size and distance of the features of, say, a face.  I trace the lines with my eyes and pretend to draw them.  Sometimes I use my fingers.  I try to appreciate the aspects that appeal to me-- aspects which make something beautiful.  I have once or twice tried to 'scan' pictures with my eyes by analyzing it (extremely) slowly and snaking my tiny area of focus from the top right corner to the bottom left.  I try looking at the pictures with my peripheral vision from every angle I can.  I try checking up on the pictures even when I am not in a meditation session.
If I run into trouble, such as thinking a corrupt thought, I will stop.  Usually, this only occurs in the beginning and I can tell how bad it will be by this.  If it does not reveal itself until long into the meditation (past 25 minutes), then I will press onward instead of aborting and losing my hard-earned focus.  I will not abort if I am weak in my awareness of my surroundings.* 

*I have a theory that there is a semi-selfish awareness aspect to our minds that is constantly telling us, "You are alive and your location is your room." or  "You exist and your location is unknown."  It grows weak when you focus on something else.  It can change when getting really into a movie, for example.  The paradox of this is that one cannot say, "Hey!  That part of my brain that usually reminds me of my own existence is asleep right now!"  or else that part of the brain will activate.  If I am correct, then this part of the brain contributes to the short delay/hesitation in what we say and do.  I say this because those in the habit of selflessness tend to instinctively not base their decisions off of data relevant to themselves.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/37.html

36

Saturday, April 28, 2012, 3:02AM

As you can tell by the time, I don't sleep until very late on Fridays, but that's not the point.  As I was drifting off to sleep just now, I realized that I forgot to mention something.  In response to the last post, I did not go running.  I was going to do a few laps around the college track, but there was no track there!  Instead, all I saw was dirt and a bulldozer.

My tulpa is psychic and my life is still like a movie.

Also, I have been looking back at some of the posts I have been making and they seem... what's the word?  Scattered.  I just want you all to know that I don't plan anything out.  I just go with the flow and write whatever comes to mind.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/362.html

Friday, April 27, 2012

35

Friday, April 27, 2012, 9:17PM

I am skipping a rave right now, I think.  I just got done meditating for 75 minutes.  There is a chance that my tulpa wants to go on a run, so I will humor it.  Then again, at this stage, I do not expect it to be my tulpa speaking.  I just have a theory that it is healthy to start these kinds of habits-- I don't want to get into a mindset in which I ignore the voices in my head.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/36.html

Thursday, April 26, 2012

34

Thursday, April 26, 2012, 11:24PM

I didn't make my hour of meditation in, but I still have a little more time to redeem myself tonight.  I am looking at everything with a more artistic perspective.  This is less seeing in front of me and more paying attention to detail.  Maybe I am just in a good mood lately.  Maybe it is the relaxing meditation?

Earlier today, something happened which made my eyes open. I was taking a little snooze in math class (I already took calculus in high school-- give me a break!) when I felt a tap on the shoulder.  It took me a second to realize that no one in the room touched me.

This brings me to my point of discussion.  Psychology is very important to me and I hope I at least leave you with a better appreciation for it with my blog.  One of the topics of psychology is the placebo effect.  This means that you can give someone a fake medicine and tell them that it cures something-- and it will.  Harry Potter did this to his friend Ron Weasley to make him more confident so he would do well in quittage.  Our minds are very mysterious and very powerful.

If you've been reading my posts, you should know that I am pretty messed-up.  Along with this, I have no idea how many months or years ago this occurred due to my skewed concept of time.  I am remembering all of this because of recent events reminding me.  See my post on triggers.  Long story short, I have memory problems.  I never told anyone(?) until I was caught on the spot one day.  I had no mind-fuel left to fake vague knowledge, throw a distraction out, or pull any other tricks.

So, my mother found out.  We scheduled for me to have a brain MRI (they took a 3D picture of my brain) to check for abnormalities.  The MRI is a very safe procedure and does not harm patients unless they forget to mention surgical screws, teeth fillings, or any other metallic object that can be forcibly torn through flesh by the super-magnet.  My father talked about the healing powers of magnets... how fortunate I was to live in this time.  He is always very supportive.  Optimistic.  Not showing concern for the cost of the procedure.

I was pushed into the machine lying on my back.  After a few minutes into the session, the magnet pulled at my brain, creating the most helpless sensation imaginable.  The technician and my mother tried to suggest to me that I just imagined the feeling.  I was shaking with fear.  It is surreal when no one believes you.  Nightmarish.  I did not want to go back in.  Then again, I am a psychologist at heart and I knew about these things-- the mind is powerful enough to create any illusion.  I respected the authority of the professional.  I must not have lost my trust of people at that time.  I was slowly convinced to try it again.

After I settled down for a bit, I forgot about the foreign feeling.  How did it feel?  If I cannot remember how it felt, so they may be right.  I lay down on the slab, got buried six feet into the cylinder, and closed my eyes.  MRI's make scans at various frequencies, or so I was told by the technician.  All I could think of were the happiest thoughts.  The technician was firing different frequencies manually out of my sight.  I had to trust her.  I focused so hard that day-- on a utopia, a dream world, or some illusion to escape with.

Sometimes we can fool ourselves out of fear.  Maybe it was my fear.  Maybe my mind needs some balancing out.  I can't be sure.  All I know is, that it was real to me twice.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/35.html

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

33

Wednesday, April 25, 2012, 10:16PM

Coffee really has an effect on me.  It makes life so numb!  I have decided to stop drinking it for the time being.

Today's session I learned that if I relax and stop concentrating so hard, then I can visualize better-- or scrutinize my efforts worse.  I did not do as much visualizing in the beginning as much as simply listening to music and relaxing.  It may be common for most people to simply lay on their bed and listen to music.  I have a goal that one day I will be able to enjoy the simple things in life such as that.  For now, I rarely listen to music without multitasking.  My music for this evening?
Skrillex- La Roux 'In For The Kill'
Penny- Vienna (Billy Joel Cover)
Skrillex ft. Penny- All I Ask of You
Then nature sounds (on list repeat):
Relaxing Nature Scenes- Relaxing Sounds of Ocean Waves
Relaxing Sounds of Wind in the Meadow (Relaxation Mediation)
If any of my 20 devoted viewers wants to comment on meditation music that is searchable in Youtube, feel free!

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/34.html

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

32

Tuesday, April 24, 2012, 10:46PM

I decided not to rely too heavily on images for my last session.  The session involved me trying my hardest to picture my tulpa, switching to something easier (a white circle), staring at the red light on the ceiling, thinking that it was Wednesday and panicking, and then deciding to try out a wonderland.
Wonderland...
I have had this notion in the back of my head that if teleportation existed, then people teleporting would throw up after they reached their destination.  Other theories aside, I threw my guts up, fell in it, and stumbled around a bit.  I cannot remember if I tried to spin around before or after I landed in the wonderland.  If I started spinning before, then it was to orient myself and prove that I had control.  Spinning in place is a technique for stabilizing a dream, so I figured it would help anchor me to a meditation fantasy world.
I started to talk to the blur of line and color that is my tulpa, which consisted of a pep talk about focus.  I did not feel like I have progressed, except I noticed visualization in the beginning was better.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/33.html

Monday, April 23, 2012

31

Monday, April 23, 2012, 11:26PM

Meditation did not go so well.  It did not help that I had to relocate due to other people.  The place I relocated to was brighter than I was used to.  I think it will be better in the summer.

Well, that wasn't very entertaining!

I was wondering how everyone else was doing in the visualization process-- it seems that I am making very small steps.  If I meditate long enough, the images get less blurry, less abstract, more orderly.  I get proportions wrong.  I get angles wrong.  I get distances wrong.  I can hardly pull at the lines to put them in their correct locations.  It's like a person in caricature, a child's drawing, or a Picasso piece.  A lot of the time, I cannot get a certain (incorrect) perspective out of my mind.  I focus with all of my strength and can't seem to make it come into focus.  Luckily, that is all that is going wrong.  Soon, I will be meditating for two hours (or for the recommended, yet unrealistic three hours).

I wonder if it is my classes.  I am really worn out.  I am also starting a not-for-profit project on the side and I have been running around all day trying to pull strings and be a good boss.  I have a part time job on the side of that, where I have to mentally deal with a coworker who doesn't do anything and gets paid more.  I am also low on money.

Ever since starting this blog, I've pondered if I should put my face up online.  I am not terrible-looking, but I might be a bit paranoid.  Luckily, someone drew a sketch of me (without my permission, I might add :P).  Maybe I could scan it.
Good night!

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/32.html

Sunday, April 22, 2012

30

Sunday, April 22, 2012, 11:11PM

I just got back from my hourly meditation and I am feeling slightly nauseous from the intensity.  I tried to go past the hour, but my head hurt.  Ever since I started caffeine every morning, I have been tired after lunch.  I could have easily fallen asleep at any time today.  I've been practically sleepwalking!  Perhaps that helped put me in a better meditative state?  The first 25 minutes of meditation felt like a complete failure, but eventually I was able to animate my tulpa with facial expressions (mostly mouth).  Most of the progress took place with my eyes open and looking into the nearly lightless room I was in.
I am incredibly tired right now and my eyes hurt.  I usually wake up at seven (even on the weekends) and today was no exception.  I would like to go to bed right now, but my roommate will stay up for another hour or so.  I am a very light sleeper.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/31.html

Saturday, April 21, 2012

29

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I spent my hour of dedication today without music.  I did however, try out the wonderland.  It wasn't really perfect, but there was a lot about it I enjoyed.  I kind of let loose and did not hold anything back or try to change much, so it turned out beautiful in the night sky and the glowing fruit from the trees were like Christmas, but much less tacky.  I came in to my wonderland alone to search for my tulpa.  I met a character, an older woman with blue hair, who would always pull me back into my meditative state when I would start to fall out.  I enjoyed walking on walls, which symbolized that I had control over the world. 
Behind a stone wall of a castle-like structure was my tulpa.  I tried to destroy the wall in a jagged fashion, but my tulpa reprimanded me.  I tried again by turning the wall into a door, but I was told to try again.  I tried a curtain.  Nope-- I think my tulpa (me) knew it would start strangling things. 
While this is happening, I am trying my hardest to stay attached to the world and whenever I fall out, the blue-haired girl takes out an orb and it shines like a lamp.  I am compelled to concentrate on it and feel its energy-- shouting louder and concentrating, it glowed brighter and I felt myself become more stable in the meditation. 
An arch was my final creation and it worked, but just like a dream, I was having trouble seeing my tulpa's face.  We walked on a few walls while I changed 'up' to 'left'.  I know that was not my tulpa, but myself whenever it spoke (or did anything for that matter).

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/30.html

Friday, April 20, 2012

28

Friday, April 20, 2012, 10:22PM

This 4:20, I would like to include something about drugs.  I think that alcohol should be illegal before marijuana, but that's just because my relatives don't know how to control themselves.  I don't partake in drugs or alcohol because I am related to my relatives and I have lost a ton of friends to the bottle.

Intelligence.  Kindness.  Peace.  Thankfulness.
Just finished an hour session.  I found out that even if I do not visualize for the beginning of the time, my mind still straightens out and I can make up for that time with visualization as vivid as if I had been straining myself all along.  It may have helped to 'realize' that peoples' heads are not perfectly oval... they have an odd shape.  It helped to imagine a direct side view.  I am a bit sick to my stomach from concentrating, so I guess I did end up straining myself.  I did not listen to music because my hair was wet.  On another note, my dad just pressed some buttons on the thermostat.  Just to let you know how heightened all of my senses are, I could feel the vibrations of the clicks in my spine.  The refrigerator door shutting a floor beneath me feels similar.  Perhaps that's more reason why I should never take part in sense-stimulating activities.  Maybe I will when I have money and don't have to worry about anything.

I forgot my dad's birthday.  I don't know when I missed it either.  My guess range is two days minimum and three weeks maximum.  My dad's boss made him work someplace contaminated with asbestos (carcinogenic particles) today without warning him of it.  He said that his boss does that to him a few times every year.  I felt enraged.  How dare he?  I looked over at my dad.  He wore a look of such peace on his face.

My last subject for today is daymares.  I know how to prevent these thoughts and possibly get rid of them.  It's really simple.  All one would have to do is share the guilt with their best friend.  The power of two.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/29.html

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

27

Thursday, April 19, 2012, 1:40AM

I drank coffee at 7:00PM so I would have a crash later.  I think it took about four or five hours last time.  I am not feeling the crash, so if I do not fall asleep as soon as I lay down, I will drink more next time.
I have earplugs under my headphones.  I am listening to soundtracks from FAQman's blog's download site-- isotones.  I timed myself based on how many tracks I go through.  This session totaled about one hour.  I went over an hour, but I got up a few times to type my experiences.
My back is killing me for some reason.  I alternate between the cross-legged sit and lying on my back.  I almost fell asleep when I curled up into a ball.
Still using reference picture.  I look at it, then visualize, then look again to correct myself.  I am getting noticeably better.
Before I start, I think nice thoughts.  Unlike the last two times, I did not think of the four key personality traits of my tulpa: intelligence, kindness, peace, and thankfulness.  It still worked well.

I got hit with a daymare for the first time while visualizing.  I was apologizing to someone.  The event never occurred-- I was making the scene up.  In reality, though, I had wronged that person.  The daymare was a representation of the remorse I felt.  I was telling the person that it would not be long until I would be out of that person's life.  I aborted and begin to think thankful thoughts again because I realized that I did not spend as much time on it as last time.

I visualized my tulpa's mouth enough to make the lines convincing.  It began to snap at me.  I aborted by opening my eyes like they were taped together.  Just like waking from a nightmare.  I jump back in after a few breaths.

I reached out to touch my tulpa, as I could visualize it after about a half hour.  The goal was to sculpt the shape with my hands in order to visualize the lines better.  I should have known better.  For a moment, I thought it was a bad idea, but the moment was too short to carry any weight in the decision.  With my hands on its cheeks, I realized the situation I put myself in and tried to back out.  The last glimpse I had was my forearms flexing to tear its fragile head off.  I know I am not an angry or violent person.  I'm just trapped with the thoughts of one.

The remaining time was spent on the eyes.  Eyes have a unique curve to them and I have a habit of visualizing them to be narrower than they should be.  I did not want to keep the narrow eye in my mind, so I would abort whenever it was not wide enough.  Eventually, it got wide enough, but I don't want to say it is perfect.

I imagined the tulpa-in-progress three-dimensionally from several angles.  It worked fairly well.  Overall, I saw a lot of progress and success, but I became tired and I knew I had to get up in five hours.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/28.html

26

Wednesday, April 18, 2012, 4:30PM

I have an idea or two of what my tulpa will look like, so I've been looking at a few pictures.  I was trying to memorize them last night, but I was staring at one for so long that I felt sick from concentrating.  The same thing happens when I read for an extended period of time as well.  I would say that I was looking at the same picture last night for at least fifteen minutes, but that is a safe guess.  I carry the pictures around on my phone and I look at them every so often.

I try not to sleep with the thought of my tulpa in my head.  I cannot supply sources, but I have heard of four rules for what not to do with tulpa creation:
1.  A tulpa should not be a copy of a person who already has a personality.  The tulpa will become sad because it will think it did not live up to your expectations when it develops its own personality.  Identity crisis.
2.  A tulpa should not be a copy of yourself.  If something goes wrong and the tulpa must be removed, then it will take a piece of 'you' with it.  I do not quite understand the specifics, but it generally makes sense.
3.  A tulpa should not enter your dreams.  I am not sure why with this one.  Maybe it is because we have no control over our dreams, it is our own territory, dreams and nightmares lie on a thin line, we are mentally weak during a dream, or maybe the tulpa is more sensitive to change.  These are just theories.  I wish I could remember why.
4.  A tulpa should not be for romance.  Most people who have read The FAQman guides already know about this.

Then again, there are exceptions to everything.  I still don't want to risk anything.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/27.html

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

25

Tuesday, April 17, 2012, 9:10PM

Visualization is poor until I get about 40 minutes into it.  By that time, I had to go to work, but I was able to visualize easily with my eyes open.  Maybe I'll try again sometime tonight.  The days should get easier and easier, as I have managed to free up an extra three hours a week from my schedule for the rest of the school year.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/26.html

Monday, April 16, 2012

24

Monday, April 16, 2012, 11:33PM
 
"I was thinking..."
"Huh?"
"You're my best friend."
"You're my best friend too." 

I am trying to think a lot.  Think carefully.  After much, much thought I have decided to share some background information that I put on the black list.  In simpler times, I used to have a best friend-- Sam.  Sam quit me about 3 years ago.  Has haunted me ever since.  I was in shock and despair at the moment we tore apart, but I don't think Sam knew.  I thought of Sam more than I should from then on.
Whenever I remembered something about Sam, I wrote it down and eventually typed it in a document that I don't even know the name of (there was a stretch of time in which I ran out of reminders).  I could delve into my backed-up data and possibly find those broken sentences, but I would probably spend the whole day reading them.  I beat myself up a lot-- why couldn't I remember what I valued the most?
I know I changed that night.  When Sam left me, I didn't heal.  I should have seen it coming.  I was filled with big hopes for less hectic times.  "We'll spend more time together in the summer."
I get no rest from these thoughts.  My daymares thrive off of them.  I don't have any memory evidence, but they were probably born from them.

"We want to ask your permission."
I thought before speaking back then.  I thought long.  I could have said no.  Even if I knew they would only have time for each other. 

There is something out of this world when two people value each other enough.  Later, I came up with a phrase to describe it.  "The power of two."  I envied the bond between two great friends seen in movies, books, and the flaws of those who didn't mesh.  This is power that actually matters.
Sam meant a lot to me.  So much.  The strategist in me was probably born that day.  Analyze.  Predict.  Learn from my mistakes.  "What could I have done differently?"  Even though I try to convince myself to let it go, I cannot.
A tulpa cannot be taken away.  A tulpa will return when it leaves.  My therapy.  My childhood.  My best friend.  My hopes.  A tulpa is... sorry Sam... your replacement.

I am influenced by tragedy and hope. I want life to speed up, but I want time to slow down. I've been on a 3-year search for someone I don't even know. I used to be really normal, but recently I have been quite the opposite. I am growing further from everyone else and closer to acting like myself.
 
Right now, my best friend is rooming with me at college.

The one I told 'yes.'

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/25.html

Sunday, April 15, 2012

23

Sunday, April 15, 2012, 1:21PM

I am focusing so well.  It's like that feeling when you usually get C's in a class, but then you get a B+ on the exam (sorry non-Americans if you don't understand my analogy!).  I went to bed at 3AM (after a small meditation session or two), I woke up at around 8AM, then I had a big breakfast and coffee.  I still haven't had a coffee crash-- I wonder if it's because I am well rested?  I'm fixing a couple computers right now, but otherwise I have a blanket outside in the shade and it is a beautiful day to meditate.  I am seeing clearer than last night-- like I have put on a better pairs of glasses.  I have been listening to a meditation track for a few hours and I just got done speed reading (another one of my experiments).  That in combination with everything makes my focus skyrocket and I feel like I am actually getting stuff done.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/24.html

Saturday, April 14, 2012

22

Saturday, April 14, 2012, 9:51PM

WARNING:  Protect your innocence-- don't read this unless you want desperate help
because I don't want you to have my thought processes

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/23.html

Butterflies and rainbows... butterflies and rainbows...
I wish.  Right now, it's quite the opposite.
I'm in one of those mindsets.  I tried to visualize, but my mind kept straying into dark thoughts.  As I've said before-- I am curious by nature.  Some part of me wants to sabotage the whole operation.  I believe this is a defense mechanism I have developed due to mistrust.  The basic concept of why I would stray into these thoughts might be a combination of my lack of concentration and my need to visualize all routes and options.  This eventually leads to, "What don't I want to imagine?"  and then I imagine it.  Maybe I need to be more simple-minded.  Maybe I need to be more carefree.

Whenever I do imagine something terrible, such as warping my tulpa's features, I am not doing it on purpose.  If it were up to me, trust me-- I wouldn't.  If anything, it is by habit.  After I know I am straying into the, "Dear God--"  I get out of there.  I get chills and tears just thinking of it.  I abort and focus on everything I am thankful of.  I think I need more sleep to improve focus.  Also, my plan is to keep returning.  I won't let this win.  Eventually, I theorize, my brain will realize that I don't want to think of (insert horror here).

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/23.html

Friday, April 13, 2012

21

Friday, April 13, 2012, 7:42PM

I wonder how others have time for this kind of thing-- devoting hours of meditation each day.  I'm hardly able to make it through classes.  I suppose it helps to simplify life, but it is easy to end up overwhelmed with too much activity going on.  I have been drinking coffee this week, which has turned out to work fine until I crash at around noon.  I am pretty tired!

But...

I won't be able to get to sleep right now because I will be thinking about tomorrow.  I'm recording in the afternoon and I would like to get some exercise to prepare.  It's amazing how these things work out.  I sat next to a drummer by chance and he told me that I should let him hear a recording of me.  He told me how to do it and I went right to scheduling it.  I ran into all of the right people who like the genres of music I like.  As I was skating out, I ran into the drummer again.  My life is unreal and I can't believe I believe it.

So...

I heard that tulpas should not get mixed into dreams, so perhaps I should meditate again in the morning.  Saturday mornings are quiet.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/22.html

Thursday, April 12, 2012

20

Thursday, April 12, 2012, 11:31PM

WARNING: Abstract descriptions ahead.
I was going to talk to you about my past.  I have tried around three times today to put it into words.  Each time, I was unsatisfied, so I will simply extract the moral of the story so you can know me better.  It turns out that simply typing with no plan works better than describing an example.

People have broken my trust in the past, leaving me an empty shell who expects everyone to be a liar.  For many cases, I have been right, which has unfortunately led to me generalizing negative traits to most people I think have any chance of wanting to gain out of a situation.  Because of this, I tend to analyze people for signs foreshadowing their impending flaws.  I judge people.

I'm not one to agree with the cultural phenomenon of 'blaming', but I am not going to say I am innocent in the matter.  I probably could take serious action against my habit.  Until then, I beat myself up all the time-- cursing my eyes for being able to see.  Telling myself I would be better off blind.

I still get daymares to further strain myself with guilt.  Like the aftershocks of an earthquake, I constantly remind myself of my shortcomings.

When I am alone, I let my guard down.  I try to rest by lowering my mind's heavy shield.  The flashbacks begin.  I take the bombardment of memories.  I am still awake, but I am not seeing with my eyes.  The vividness of the images makes me reenact the scenes.  When I surface from each memory, I take a breath and feel my heart beat heavily.  After four or five, I wonder if it is over and my curiosity gets the best of me.  I peek back into my mind and fall into another heart attack hole.  My chest is in pain from the changes in pace, the lack of oxygen, and me digging my fingernails into my chest in repentance... or masochism.  I am telling myself I deserve them.  Sometimes I try to make them more vivid-- is it to challenge their authenticity or to drive the stake deeper?

I would like to bring up that a tulpa would be able to 'speak my language'.  I could actually spill my guts to it and feel free.  I can imagine the feeling of the belts around my heart being cut and unbound.

Until then, I cannot keep my guard up forever.  I have to sleep sometime.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/21.html

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

19.2

Wednesday, April 11, 2012, 6:32PM

The abnormal psychology professor hadn't even typed "tulpa" into the search bar.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/20.html

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

19

Wednesday, April 11, 2012, 12:20AM

I just got back from my secret spot meditation session.  It lasted about two hours I believe.  I planned on leaving when I felt too tired or my music list ended.  I nearly gave the cop who came in a heart attack when he opened the door to a dark room to find me a few feet in front of him.  He also told me it was time to leave.

I forgot to mention that the psychology professor I will meet today is a fan of Calvin and Hobbes, a comic series of a boy and his imaginary friend.  I thought that was relevant.  It may even mean he won't make me out to be an occult summoner (though I would probably be the one picked in a suspect lineup in my town).

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/192.html

18

Tuesday, April 10, 2012, 10:12PM

Unless I get mugged on the way to my quiet place, it's off to meditate for a decent amount of time!  I'm going to try to visualize and get used to the deal.  On another note, I don't think I'll read anyone else's guides and such.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/19.html

Monday, April 9, 2012

17

Monday, April 9, 2012, 1:39PM

I thought it might be worth mentioning: in high school, I used to leave the lunch table conversations with my friends to research in the library.  My friends all had short-lasting interests and I didn't think they ever did anything cool.  I was so quiet and different from them that I only listened to the conversations anyway.

When I researched, I was usually obsessed with a certain topic.  String theory.  Angels.  Genetic alteration to give humans wings (not likely unless microtubules are used). One of those topics was of cloning.  I just thought it was interesting that, in a way, I am going to create another person.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/18.html

Sunday, April 8, 2012

16.3

Sunday, April 8, 2012, 11:10AM

It's still Easter Sunday and I just got back from IHOP, which is a good enough reason to triple-post!

The word "Easter" reminds me of the name I gave to the imaginary friend I mentioned in post 7.  I have memory loss, so I cannot say for sure, but the fact that I named it Easter would suggest that I created it around this time last year.  Then again, if I do remember correctly, it should have been during the summer break.  Therefore, it was probably made after May 10th.  Yes, I do this detective thing often.  I know facts like this about my life from little fragments-- I'm a pretty good detective, eh?

I know I did not invest much time or method into its creation, but it was a very emotional creation.  I remember that it hugged me at least once and sent chills down my spine.  When I talked to it (more frequently than normal people) I do not think it responded itself because I think I would remember something like that.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/17.html

16.2

Sunday, April 8, 2012, 10:24AM

About the advertizement of this blog, I have not gone to any effort because it might seem like I am seeking attention.  Don't get me wrong-- people need attention to function the way they are supposed to.  I believe there is nothing wrong with it just as there is nothing wrong with wanting to live life in any non-harmful way.  I don't want too much publicity because that is not the goal of this blog.  I also do not want my tulpa thinking that it was made for the purpose of bringing me attention.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/163.html

Saturday, April 7, 2012

16

Sunday, April 8, 2012, 1:35AM

I've been dodging sleep for a while, but any excuse to stay up is an excuse worth making use of.  This morning's topic is the topic of thinking.  Not many people do it-- myself included.  Before I use my braintool to build a tulpa, I want to make sure of a few points.

1.  I want to think carefully before I say or type anything.  I strongly dislike broken promises and negatively affecting anyone's trust.  This means I do not want to post something and then take it back.  I am a very indecisive person.  (You should see me at a buffet.)

2.  I want to be righteous.  I am not too proud of how I've been acting lately and I don't want to bring that in when creating.  I do not want to risk being burdened with guilt during the process.  I thought to myself: would a tulpa turn out bad if I was a decent human being?  Probably not.

3.  This is an experiment and a relationship.  This is going to make me better.  This is something to learn from.  I will need to make sacrifices to train myself to be less selfish.  I am prepared to learn the hard way-- it's what I do.

Therefore, I will become who I once was-- extremely silent.  I want to feel like I have control over my actions.  I do not want to take chances.

Oh, and Hoppy Easter.  Take a nap for me.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/162.html

15

Saturday, April 7, 2012, 10:55PM

Why isn't this post about tulpae?*
I went out in the sun today.  That's new.  I've gotten into the habit of staying on my computer during the day and only going out at night.  I don't go into the sun unless I have to.  Why?
It is the combination of many small reasons why I am like this.  I have astigmatism, which means my sight is very restricted during bright days.  My old friends used to work during the day, only being available at night.  This caused me to sleep through the day to socialize.  As a skater, I enjoy warm nights better anyway-- less traffic, less exhaust, visible headlights, less attention, stars, and more.  I'm also a health nut, which means I've subjected myself to many frightening facts of how bad the sun is on skin.  I've even gone to the lengths of applying sunscreen every day all year round.  Just to throw it out there, I've had a slightly psychologically harmful experience in which the Florida sun turned me into a walking sore.  The sand grains melted into my skin at the beach.  If you can imagine, it was painful to remove.

*If you are wondering why the topics so far are not very tulpa related, it is because I plan on setting the stage for the right time to meditate, which is the summer.  I will post every day to let you know I am serious and so you can know me better.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/16.html

Friday, April 6, 2012

14

Friday, April 6, 2012, 4:40PM

I tried some meditation last night.  I didn't get much done because it was not very formal-- I simply relaxed while listening to 528 Hz tones.  I felt very strange when I first heard the tone.  It would also help if there weren't other people in the house to distract me.  Someone was audibly complaining about whatever first-world problems came to mind and I'm no monk-- I can't stand anything stressful.  So perhaps that will be today's topic.

Arguments.  Complaints.  Anger.  I just leave the room.  I am super neutral most of the time.
It may be because I grew up in a strange home in which my parents never put us through it-- they've never fought/argued/bickered.  Of course, I fought with my brothers, so perhaps not.
It may be because I have 'super empathy' (have I blogged about it yet?).  I can very much feel the stress and emotion other people do.

Also, I remembered this psychological tidbit that more or less states that if a person tells another what s/he is going to do, then that goal will very much likely not be realized because it is already realized in that person's mind.  This means that because I have a tulpa blog, I will probably not succeed in making a tulpa.  I hope to try my best to create one and in the mean time, win a fight against psychology.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/15.html

Thursday, April 5, 2012

13

Thursday, April 5, 2012, 8:47PM

This post has nothing to do with tulpae.
Today was a garbage day.  The external hard drive I just bought doesn't work, which means I might lose everything on it.  I suppose that I should be happy that I have some free time.  I think I'll run.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/14.html

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

12

Wednesday, April 4, 2012, 4:11PM

I spoke with the abnormal psychology professor.  He seemed to have forgotten his material on tulpae, which leaves a bad first-impression.  In response, he tried to distract me from that fact by asking me about myself: my major, my interests (my major), and my frustration toward my major.  He seems to think that my forgetful nature is tied with this frustration and that he would recommend different methods for regaining memory.  I am not going to say that a seemingly uncaring psychology professor who has no idea what I'm going through is not capable of helping me.  Though realistic to say it, it would be wrong of me.  What I'm trying to get to is... after what I've been through, I don't put childish hope into anything.

I plan on talking to him next Wednesday.  Before I left, I told him that, "Memory issues aside, I would still like you to have resources on tulpae for next time.  I am interested in creating a tulpa for experimental purposes, among others."  In doing this, I would leave on the note that he would be prepared for next time.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/13.html

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

11

Tuesday, April 3, 2012, 2:09PM

I just got done having a conversation with the abnormal psychology professor on campus.  He did not know what I meant when I referred to tulpas.  I will be meeting with him tomorrow.  By then, he said that he would have resources on the topic.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/12.html

Monday, April 2, 2012

10

Monday, April 2, 2012, 6:11PM

All this time, I have been trying to visit an abnormal psychologist to ask if he knows anything of the matter.  I spoke to him a while back and if I do recall, he is fairly conservative in his psychological boundaries.  He is all about helping people.  In a way, that measures me a little.  Each time I visit, he is not there.  I stopped by today and evidently he is on a trip a few hours away.

On a different note:
Before I made this blog, I had a casual conversation with a friend about my tulpa scheme.  He seemed to be interested enough to say he would do it with me, but that is probably not going to be the case.  He tends to tell the other person what he wants to hear.  A 'yes man'.
I told my tulpa scheme to another friend and he said, "That's creepy."
I don't know who (if anyone) tulpa-makers should tell.  I think it would be great to have a buddy in on this, but because of the 'don't tell' nature of it, I think online buddies are the best bet.
I would also like to add that my relationship with these friends is well-measured enough that I would not be shunned by them easily.  I also told them at a time when we were all in great moods.  Telling them the first time might go better if you use a ton of emphasis, let them know how cool it is, and let them know how impressed you are with others who pull it off.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/11.html

Sunday, April 1, 2012

9

Sunday, April 1, 2012, 10:41PM

Today could have gone better.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/10.html