Thursday, August 30, 2012

146

Thursday, August 30, 2012, 7:44PM

 Hello future me (or whoever I become if I make it that far) as well as the followers of this log, and welcome to Wintrovert, the blog where I record my efforts in creating tulpa. As you may know, college is here again, so I've missed the most opportune time to make a tulpa. Over the summer, I've tried a variety of methods and devoted a lot of time and energy to the tulpa project. If I were a statistically-normal person, I would have created a tulpa by now. If you know me, you know that I am not normal at all, considering that I have a variety of oddities that fuel and thrive off one another in a synergistic manner:
Solitude feeds off of memory functionality.
Heightened senses feed off empathy.
Empathy feeds off memory reminders.
Lack of memory fuels solitude.
 I didn't notice how the frequency of daymares increased. I write here to summarize, yes, but to also gain some sanity. I thought I was tough-- I live in a nightmare, you know? I am losing my mind. Daymares are relentless:
6:51pm too personal
6:57pm Daymare a)
7:05pm Daymare b)
7:12pm Daymare c)
7:14pm too personal
7:31pm Daymare d)
7:32pm Daymare d)
7:33pm Daymare d)

Daymare a) Because I have terrible memory, it is hard to tell whether or not someone is talking to me because s/he is friendly or is actually someone I spend time with on a weekly basis. I rely on context clues, leading the conversation to reveal a memory trigger, or stalling. Because of this, I can read facial expressions fairly well. I dress up like a normal person when I am not going 'out' and usually don't feel like dressing like myself (eccentric and not this person's style). The actual moment occurred six months to a year ago. The look on this person's face broke my heart. We had crushes on each other, but only I knew that we were not right for each other. When I revealed my true self to her, she looked terrified of me. I was a monster for that moment. I was a threat for that moment. In this person's mind's legislative system, I had lied or worse-- baited to take advantage. When this happens, people don't trust as much. It's a scar you carry forever. This daymare was not visually destructive and relatively low in head pain.
Daymare b) Recently, I spoke aloud in class and possibly sounded unintelligent. I was just reliving this moment. Medium amount of head pain.
 Daymare c) Speaker was at the climax of good speech, but became unable to speak properly. This was in a professional setting and the reactions that ensued were hard to watch.
 Daymare d) Spoke to a roommate about visiting a sick friend. This sick friend is someone who I did not visit in the hospital in a time of need. I anticipated this daymare five to ten minutes in advance, holding it off for that long. The mental warfare was straining and I eventually had to let my guard down. When I let my guard down, I felt tears welling up in my eyes and was bombarded three or so times with the memory for about three minutes. (I often refuse to cry, no matter what is thrown at me as a point of defiance. My culture is that holding back a downpour of tears allows me to feel the reality of the situation and is more depressing than crying.) As I said, I am losing my mind. I feel distant and numb, so I'm going to go running.

Tulpa progress: No communication from tulpa. EDIT: maybe

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/147_3.html

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

145

Tuesday, August 28, 2012, 12:20PM It's amazing how discouraging it can be to have a record shattered and slightly difficult to remember this blog with college starting again. I will be busy until I can settle into the new pace, but I won't quit even though it seems more impossible these days, which is what I want to spill my guts about right now. I feel much more sane, but every time I talk to my tulpa, it feels like talking to myself (or no one). I lack motivation. I lack the hope I had when I first started. The magic is gone and now this feels like just another tiny areas of my life or like it is without goals. It's the same feeling of being unappreciated or paid attention to and I'm still doing it like a fool. I know attention isn't bad, but I don't want to be like everyone else and need attention. I know the world wouldn't be a better place if everyone thought like me, but I am going to stick stubbornly to these ridiculous beliefs until I determine the time of 'for now' is over. Attention. It makes me sick. Your memories make you who you are. Without memories, you are no one. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I thirst for attention so much that I reject it. Maybe I reject attention because I thirst so much for it. Maybe I wanted a tulpa to cure my thirst for attention. Maybe I wanted a tulpa for its attention. I sicken myself. Maybe having attention paid... time spent... something more given? Maybe that allows us to remember. Maybe that's why I can't remember in the first place.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/146.html

Saturday, August 25, 2012

144

Saturday, August 25, 2012, 7:01PM Hopefully interruptions such as those lately only occur as often as once a year. The daily logs will continue, if all goes well. My tulpa still has not spoken, but this was never supposed to be a normal case of effort in, progress out because some there are a few people out there who are wired differently than the rest.

Progress: No communication.

wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/145.html

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

143

Tuesday, August 21, 2012, 7:45PM Don't worry, you didn't miss much. If my tulpa has a voice, then it is LOUD and I've heard it before (and didn't think it was special). Here's what I've been doing: I imagine a planet, representing my mind, with the surface crashing with ocean waves. I then visualize the calming of the waves. The ocean waves, in more detail, is me remembering the feeling of being out of control of my thoughts or actions. It is my lack of understanding-- complexity. If I take the time to put aside the complexities, then I get to where clarity is growing stronger. The 'voice' may be a fluke with having to do with transitioning between sleep and wake, but perhaps not. On another note, if I was say, involuntarily admitted to an mental illness treatment facility and they, say, kept me longer than any sane person would deem appropriate in order to, say, collect money from insurance or other funds made possible by having patients, the people following my blog would not take the fact that I stopped posting for an entire week without warning after making a point to post each day for 142 days as a sign that something was wrong and investigate the matter. That's good, because that's what real-life friends (the ones who room with you) are for. My roommates would likely find my absence suspicious, so don't worry about the above hypothetical extraction that not only entertained you, but provided information that my strange sense of humor is still intact, which means whatever did happen while I was gone didn't take everything from me. Progress: No certain responses.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/144.html

Monday, August 13, 2012

142

Monday, August 13, 2012, 10:55PM

The voice was decided with a possible emotional response upon settling on it, but jumping to such a conclusion (optimistic in comparison to past visualization feats) seems unwise.

Progress: No speech. No sentience. Narrating.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/143.html

Sunday, August 12, 2012

141

Sunday, August 12, 2012, 10:00PM

The narration must go on.

Progress: Narration, voice work.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/142.html

Saturday, August 11, 2012

140

Saturday, August 11, 2012, 3:11PM

A theory has been suggested to me as to why I cannot hear my tulpa. The theory tells me that it may be because I haven't given my tulpa a set voice. They are right-- I haven't told my tulpa which voice and accent it should have.

My tulpa's voice was supposed to be decided by my tulpa. Even though I say this, I do influence my tulpa's voice in some ways. I am expecting an imperfect voice, because I don't like perfection (or rather I see perfection in imperfection). I am expecting a voice that will give me ASMR (the sensation of chills down my spine), though there are so many types of voices that do this in real life that it does not really narrow it down. Because I try not to purposely think of a voice, I am expecting to hear a voice related to songs, movies, or even real people I am familiar with. I also might do some editing to the voice, even if it isn't bad.

My eyes have been opened a little-- what if not having a voice is the big problem that has kept me down this whole time? I did not think of having a voice decided as very important. It makes sense that if you can morally mold the body, then you can morally mold the voice.

Progress: No sure response.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/141.html

Friday, August 10, 2012

139

Friday, August 10, 2012, 9:23PM

Wonderlanding seems to give me a more fulfilling feeling, as opposed to narrating without visualizing. The wonderland being used is a restaurant-like setting.

The drained-feeling is returning (lack of motivation, tired). Sometime recently, the passion stopped flowing in all previous areas of interest. Perhaps some goals cannot be approached by a single person.

Talking about tulpae ends here.

Some puzzle pieces fit together today.
You shouldn't live your life telling yourself 'things will be better when...' because life will never get that way. Everyone is screwed up, it's not just you. Everyone has skeletons in their closets. Learn to be happy despite being screwed up. Don't make promises to yourself that you will be happy later. Work toward your goals and better yourself, but try to realize that life is incredibly short. Even if you don't ever complete your goals, you can still find happiness in helping others.

Progress: Tulpanarration, waiting for response.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/140.html

Thursday, August 9, 2012

138

Thursday, August 9, 2012, 10:06AM

There are so many variables in the equation, it can get a little overwhelming if you want to figure out the mathematical formula for tulpa creation. Some variables are more likely to contribute to success than others, depending on strategy. Time, attention, effort. If spent with the idea of a mutual relationship in mind, these resources equate to most definitions of love (or at least evidence supporting relationship on the love spectrum). Interesting.

Progress: No certain signs of communication.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/139.html

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

137

Wednesday, August 8, 2012, 10:04PM

No tulpa talk today...
These posts are going to be boring if I don't ramble about something other than my progress (if it can be called that) so I'll talk about my theory of swear words.

Doofus and silly can be used as very lethal swear words-- potent to the point that it challenges (and if used properly, beats) the swear words censored from certain forms of media. What makes them lethal is that by using them, you are telling your victim that s/he is not worth a fancy cuss. Also, when a swear word is used too frequently, it becomes devalued. Less notable is the surprise factor that comes with using such a word in the victim realizing that s/he is being looked down on as not being intelligent enough or mature enough for 'grownup' language. To end my theory, using less words may be a good strategy-- especially in a counter-cuss. If the opponent spends fifteen seconds on a chain-cuss in your direction only to be looked straight in the eyes and told that s/he (and what they just said) is silly, it will hit hard. Exceptions apply for everything and judgement (analyzing the situation) should always factor into your strategy of any form of manipulation. This is an easy alternative to using large words to make the victim feel unintelligent, but I would highly recommend using large words due to its ability to, upon stumping*, put victims into a) blind rage or b) forced apathy. I am not responsible for any of the aftermath related to this theory, but don't let that stop you from getting into a safe argument. For science.

* Stumping, as I define it, is overwhelming of another's mind. Speak at a pace faster than they can record into their short-term memory (practice speaking without effort and with passion) and use large words. Quintessential. Intrinsic. Inflect your voice in waves to make it sound like you are droning on about how easy what you are speaking about is.

Progress: No certain signs of communication.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/138.html

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

136

Tuesday, August 7, 2012, 11:07PM

Still narrating. Still waiting (no offense, pre-tulpa).

Progress: No clear signs of communication.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/137.html

Monday, August 6, 2012

135

Monday, August 6, 2012, 11:47PM

That three-day plan was basically "try using a wonderland", but in an extended format. Oh well. Back to narrating.

Progress: No certain communication.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/136.html

Sunday, August 5, 2012

134

Sunday, August 5, 2012, 10:41PM

If anyone has any tips on how to do this...

Evidently, certain types of people cannot be hypnotized and the like.

I'm currently trying out a 3-day plan. I'm on the third day. Unfortunately, I don't believe it will work. I want it to work. I want it to mock everything I did by working in three days. I'm not attached to my chaotic experiments. I'm not stubborn enough to do things my way.

Progress: No certain tulpa communication.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/135.html

Saturday, August 4, 2012

133

Saturday, August 4, 2012, 7:55PM

Narration is normal, really. It feels normal even though I know, deep down, it isn't. Occasionally, I will have a tickle in my head when I reference a question to my pretulpa. Nothing else is on my mind, so I'll cut off the usually-once-a-day post.

Progress: No tulpa sure signs of approaching speech.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/134.html

Friday, August 3, 2012

132

Friday, August 3, 2012, 11:18PM

Still narrating. Still listening.

Progress: No speech.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/133.html

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

131.2

Wednesday, August 1, 2012, 11:11PM

Nothing much to talk about tulpa-wise. I narrated less frequently today, too.

Progress: Tulpa narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/132.html