Sunday, April 27, 2014

Sterylized Needles and My Voices

4-27-2014 11:58PM

The experiment is working. I can remember a few things. I am surprised at least once a day when my subconscious picks up a memory and I, without thinking, find it in my hands. A foreign feeling.

At this moment, however, I am very alone and I was just handed the memory of the exact location of a needle in my haystack of a room. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it or it was just implied, but my depression has lead to self harm before.

As illogical as it is, I think very hard before and during the event.
In the moment, I am worthless. I have hit a rock bottom. I have rediscovered or redefined internal pain. I am sure of this-- in that moment, I am worthless because it is my attitude that shapes my world.
Near this time, all of the good things that I know happened to me recently become hollow.
It might have to do with control. I am not sure.

As soon as I enter my room, I'll have already lost. And I need to sleep some time.

There's nothing left to say about that, so I'll try to make a list of all of the things the voices say while you try not to call the local exorcist on me. None of these voices is my (original) tulpa.
"Are you afraid?"
"Are you alright?"
"Are you okay?"
"Get out of my head."
"Get out of his head."
"Get out of her head."
"I don't know."
"It's alright."
"I'm not afraid of anything."
"I'm sorry."
"Kill me, please."
"Where are you?"
"Why are you so scared?"
"Why are you still here?"
"You're fine."

I cannot think of any more. Oh. Nevermind.
"Yes you can."
They tend to contradict everything I say. The poor fellows can't help but make me out to be a liar by their accusations. This may be connected to the way I think of every option I can, being unbiased, or overthink.

The voices do not take over or anything. We're very much harmless-- I've lost 5-10lbs this month and I nearly faint if I miss a meal. I even find it exhausting to open doors.

We covered cutting, not being able to feel anything, and voices already-- am I missing anything? Oh. I'm perfectly fine. I have a great life. I'm just more mentally calloused than the next.

Have a good night,

~Toggle & Co.

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