163

I know that I usually begin my posts with a date in an unlogical order. I glance at the right hand corner and type what feels natural. This is an unconscious process, as in right now, I don't know what part of the date to type first.

Something in my head shouts, "Monday!" I know it is not Monday. It is Saturday. No. It's Friday still.

I suppose it is a good philosophy to just try something because one thing tends to lead to another.

I don't remember typing in any posts, but a few minutes ago, something in my head said, "Maybe you should talk about that in your blog." I don't remember what 'that' was, but it had to do with tulpae, doubt, and something else that I can't quite 'link to'.

Like I said, I can't remember typing any of these posts because of a sort of memory loss. I can't remember a lot, but I know about them. I know I have a blog, but I don't remember any posts and I don't remember typing any of them.

Friday, November 30, 2012, 9:07PM

I typed a D for December, only to correct myself.

It doesn't give me a creepy feeling or a surprised feeling, but more of the feeling you would get if you got well into your day and found that everyone believed in magic, cast spells, and had done so their entire lives. Everyone would be nonchalant about it as well. You would feel a little like you are still waking up. It would be like someone telling you something that you can understand, but you can't make sense of. Like it's on the tip of your ear. You would feel like going with the crowd. You would feel like trying to remember. You would be a little confused as to how you could have forgotten. You know that delay that is in between receiving information and making sense out of it? That delay is normally too short to notice, but now that you are stuck in that delay, you take in the sensation and you are suddenly filled in. Your perspective changes.

Now that I got sidetracked, I'll probably not post this because of the above paragraph.

Let's talk about tulpae.

Recently, I gave up on the entire tulpa project, more or less. More recently, however, I've felt a stronger connection to my tulpa's voice and perhaps presence (ASMR). Was it because the burden of 'needing' to create a tulpa was off my shoulders? Was it because I stumbled into forums about tulpae? Maybe it was just realizing that I'm not the terrible person I thought I was. I changed my perspective. Somehow. I know the feeling.

Evidently, my tulpa has been speaking to me. According to this source, one cannot parrot accidentally. If this is true, then... wow. It seems ridiculous to say: "I parroted accidentally." Using logical equivalences, it would be equivalent to "My tulpa spoke to me." I had so much doubt in myself. Really, my doubt was blinding.

What saved this project was that I tried. Even when I quit, I still could not let it go. I spoke to my tulpa casually because I didn't have anything more to lose. I may have listened less intensely. I may have done everything less intensely.

162

Sunday, November 25, 2012, 1:08PM

Everything has finally wound down. It appears that I've lost. I'll talk to you each day, my tulpa, but I won't expect to hear you. It was a good run. Maybe it was a warm-up. Sure. Let's call it that.

Part of me is disappointed. Part of me wants to keep fighting. Part of me is exhausted.

Another part of me doesn't want me to take a break, for fear of all progress being lost.

Another part of me is willing to forget the entire ordeal, only to be surprised one day of what could have been.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/11/163.html

161

Tuesday, November 20, 2012, 2:59 AM

My tulpa isn't faring too well. I'm struggling to be motivated enough to keep it alive. Not dead yet.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/11/162.html

160

Sunday, November 11, 2012, 7:41PM

I am still trying to narrate throughout the entire day as if talking to someone inside my head.
I am having more trouble each day.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/11/161.html

159

Saturday, October 3, 2012, 6:54PM

I am going to try constant narration. I am going to explain the world to someone who doesn't know what anything is.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/11/160.html

158

Monday, October 29, 2012, 9:53PM

One day, I will or won't have a tulpa and look back and think,

Why did I hang on?

I've been saying it all semester. One day, I'll have time and energy to do the things I want to do. Until then, I am strapped to the metal table with a light in my face and a funnel in my mouth.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/11/159.html

157

Monday, October 22, 2012, 1:45AM

Usually, I type a few paragraphs only to stuff it in a more personal journal and then replace the text wall with something that represents my mindset after I am mentally exhausted:

Giving up: I apologize to whomever spent any time with this endeavor. I can't let go of this, but it's dead.

Defiant: But I can't let my poor luck win. What would my tulpa say?

There are so many distractions, obligations, mental obstacles, needs to keep up with...

(Warning: Abstract)
Talking to my non-existant tulpa each day feels like it is the second time. I know that I have talked before, which is why I don't say first time. I cannot talk about my day because the knowledge I have of my day is like the knowledge I have of typing the previous sentence; I can describe how the letters got on the page due to logical cause and effect, but each letter is so insignificant in attachment and meaning to me that I cannot 'relive' it or derive any enjoyment from speaking of it.

My weekend flew by, despite talking about 'surviving the week until Friday'. I don't know what I did yesterday, therefore (by some definitions) it did not exist. However, the nauseous feeling of obligations still bubbles in my stomach from the week. The combination adds to this illusion. On the outside, life looks good. In reality, it is a nightmare. It is a nightmare to be tormented in this way because there seems to be nothing wrong to others.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/10/158.html

156

Monday, October 15, 2012, 8:25PM


I'm not comfortable where I am at right now. That's good. I don't want to be comforted. I wouldn't do anything differently if I was comfortable. I want change.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/10/157.html

155

Saturday, October 6, 2012, 3:28PM

Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to interpret myself in order to be better at problem-solving.

In other news, some day last week, I went to a college play. The next day, after complementing that friend on a job well done, I realized that it was a different person. After smooth-talking my way out of that one (something about telling her that I thought she designed the costumes... while acting very tired and, therefore, forgivable) I realized that I really could not recognize people-- people I have known for years-- very well. One and a half hours ago, I greeted someone at the theater entrance again for a Broadway dance show who turned out to be someone I knew last year and whose name I cannot seem to remember. I thought this person I greeted was one of my roommates.

In other news, the tulpa project is not going well due to poor time management on my part.

Progress: none

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/10/156.html

154

Sunday, September 30, 2012 2:37AM

I do not have an excuse to quit, as there are other things in my life I can sacrifice to spend at least an hour each day meditating.

Edit: Wow. The truth hurts.

Progress: None.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/10/155_6.html

153

Sunday, September 23, 2012, 10:12PM

Disclaimer: If you haven't given up on me by now, I appreciate the gesture, but whatever the reason is for you staying, remember that I'm a bad investment. You wouldn't read something if you knew it would... you know what? I can't convince you. Convince yourself. Find a reason to stop reading these posts.

Some things should never be read. They will make you think what cannot be unthought.

I know a lot of what I say doesn't make sense to you right now, reader, but I usually have a reason. If I don't have a reason, at least I'm representing the truthful form of my mental composition at the time.

anyway...

I spoke to a friend this evening about sanity. What was said really changed my outlook on this tragic, beautiful situation. The conversation was long, so here's the conversation in a nutshell*:

There are three categories of insanity:
1: When someone loses their lifeline-- a lifeline being religion, a loved one, a way of life, or something else that is so important to that person that if it was gone, that person wouldn't know what to do or how to handle his/her world changing so drastically.
2: When someone is abused, such as being sleep deprived or subjected to horrors. Biological illnesses qualify, I think.
3: When someone thinks differently and is labeled that way.

This really hit home. I hope you get something out of this too, reader, but there was more. It was mentioned that people avoid thinking too hard about things because they don't want to fall into category #1 if they have a breakthrough. This is why people don't think deeply. This has to do with depression and loneliness, I believe, but I don't want to get sidetracked.
People in category #1 have lost love, money, prestige, and other valuables that can be molded like clay by others. These are the same people who gain murderous hatred, greed, and have their vision skewed by lust. People who can no longer control themselves. Untrained in the right automatic/instinctual processes and trained in the wrong ones.

Everything's connected.

*I speak this way because I sometimes record conversations if I think them to be important, the last one being the would-be conversation with a professor of psychology.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/154.html

152

Monday, September 17, 2012, 4:28PM

Well, I haven't journaled for at least a week due to a combination of what life throws at me. I'm still talking to my pre-tulpa whenever possible, such as near-empty restaurants, when I'm alone in my room, or walking from class to class. I didn't want to do this, but I'm all about trust: I will try to only keep weekly updates from now on instead of being random. College takes up way too much time as it is, but I also have a lot to do these days. Also, if I set a goal for myself, then I'll remember easier.

I feel like I should make up for all the previously missed posts by making this post larger than a paragraph, but I don't have much to say. I'm frustrated because of my failures-- from not being able to create a tulpa before college started. Daymares are getting worse, but you probably already know that. I'm getting them in public more than I used to. I can cough a short time afterward or shake my hand as if I hurt it, but screaming aloud, transitioning from a daymare into reality while I am in an conversation, or muttering "get out of me" can't really be covered up.

I had a nightmare last night for a change: I was slipping on ice into a dark pit. I hate the cold. I'm tired all the time. My personality has changed for the worse-- I finally broke and I don't care about politeness anymore, which I am constantly fighting to fix. I am not doing as well as I want to in school (I am a perfectionist, so take this with a grain of salt). I know that college is not the right environment for tulpa-creation, but with these added variables, I don't see a tulpa being made any time soon. If I were my tulpa, I'd wait until I was thankful again.

Thankful: I'm thankful that I'm an interesting person... in a psychological perspective.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/153.html

151

September 9, 2012, 9:17PM

No more communication, so take what you want from it. Perhaps one needs to be able to think simply to do this.

Anger. I've been so angry lately. This isn't me, is it? I can't control it. I blame chemical processes in my brain combined with frustrations of intellectual immobility.

If I were a tulpa, I'd stay dormant from me no matter how many apologies I heard.

I don't know what makes me say this, but life has taught me that progress is so fragile. Making a single mistake can remove so much progress. This is unforgiving, but this is my style. I don't know if I've said this, but I'm not used to getting what I want.

Progress: Nothing.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/152.html

150

Thursday, September 6, 2012, 11:12PM

Still here, but going to tulpaforce due to unusual occurrence of free time.

Progress: Very promising signs of progress in communication.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/151.html

149

Wednesday, September 5, 2012, 1:04AM

It may have been mentioned that this writer enjoy the sensation of chills running down my spine, or ASMR, as it is officially called. Upon speaking to my tulpa, I tried to notice all sensations and ended up feeling rushes of ASMR. I hope this is my tulpa's method of communication. Got one again. I'll take that as a yes.

Also, if you want ASMR, it is often in the last sentence of short stories that are meant to elicit an emotional reaction. I plan on implementing the same strategy one day when I tell you a big secret that will blow your mind. If you're me and you're looking back at this journal, you will be impressed with your storytelling prowess.

If you want to feel ASMR, you have a good chance of feeling it when you have someone important to you whisper in your ear. It's the feeling that you know you are alive (or another person is alive). I have extreme empathy, so I guess this enhanced as well.

I told myself that I would stop being so skeptical. I told myself that I would start to actually take risks. I hope this helps anyone else who has been blind and stuck for months on end.

(Shivers rush down my back)
You remembered...
Of course

A long time ago, I think I told my tulpa (I'm fairly certain) that I enjoy the feeling.

Progress: ASMR communication? ASMR communication.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/150_6.html

148

Tuesday, September 5, 2012, 11:59PM

Hello, reader. A break was taken from late-night homework to provide the reader with relief that the writer will increase post output, though tulpa output may drop. Actually, the news is not very relieving now that it is written down.

Progress: nothing

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/150.html

147

Monday, September 3, 2012, 11:41PM

It's been a while for sure. It occurred to me recently that I am actually racing myself in this whole tulpa creation process. I cannot remember the clear way I described it, but in short, it involves me eventually wanting a tulpa strongly, then my brain wants desperately to trick myself into being tired of everything and lowers its expectations until it is eventually satisfied with parroting.
In other news, I might have reached a new level of forgetfulness. In other words, this might get harder. Now that I mention it, I am also racing my degrading mind.
To think that all this time, I've been trying to go easy on the crazy.

Maybe I should talk about tulpae for a little while longer: I haven't been devoting time throughout the entire day as I did in the summer. Instead, I speak right before I go to bed (and fall asleep mid conversation) or whenever I am not doing anything at the moment (studying, stressing, complaining about college, etc). I'm frequently saying, "One of these days, you're going to say something back." I have stopped talking about what I remember I did that day and I'm mostly speaking seriously and opening up.

Progress: Communication... one way.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/148.html

146

Thursday, August 30, 2012, 7:44PM

 Hello future me (or whoever I become if I make it that far) as well as the followers of this log, and welcome to Wintrovert, the blog where I record my efforts in creating tulpa. As you may know, college is here again, so I've missed the most opportune time to make a tulpa. Over the summer, I've tried a variety of methods and devoted a lot of time and energy to the tulpa project. If I were a statistically-normal person, I would have created a tulpa by now. If you know me, you know that I am not normal at all, considering that I have a variety of oddities that fuel and thrive off one another in a synergistic manner:
Solitude feeds off of memory functionality.
Heightened senses feed off empathy.
Empathy feeds off memory reminders.
Lack of memory fuels solitude.
 I didn't notice how the frequency of daymares increased. I write here to summarize, yes, but to also gain some sanity. I thought I was tough-- I live in a nightmare, you know? I am losing my mind. Daymares are relentless:
6:51pm too personal
6:57pm Daymare a)
7:05pm Daymare b)
7:12pm Daymare c)
7:14pm too personal
7:31pm Daymare d)
7:32pm Daymare d)
7:33pm Daymare d)

Daymare a) Because I have terrible memory, it is hard to tell whether or not someone is talking to me because s/he is friendly or is actually someone I spend time with on a weekly basis. I rely on context clues, leading the conversation to reveal a memory trigger, or stalling. Because of this, I can read facial expressions fairly well. I dress up like a normal person when I am not going 'out' and usually don't feel like dressing like myself (eccentric and not this person's style). The actual moment occurred six months to a year ago. The look on this person's face broke my heart. We had crushes on each other, but only I knew that we were not right for each other. When I revealed my true self to her, she looked terrified of me. I was a monster for that moment. I was a threat for that moment. In this person's mind's legislative system, I had lied or worse-- baited to take advantage. When this happens, people don't trust as much. It's a scar you carry forever. This daymare was not visually destructive and relatively low in head pain.
Daymare b) Recently, I spoke aloud in class and possibly sounded unintelligent. I was just reliving this moment. Medium amount of head pain.
 Daymare c) Speaker was at the climax of good speech, but became unable to speak properly. This was in a professional setting and the reactions that ensued were hard to watch.
 Daymare d) Spoke to a roommate about visiting a sick friend. This sick friend is someone who I did not visit in the hospital in a time of need. I anticipated this daymare five to ten minutes in advance, holding it off for that long. The mental warfare was straining and I eventually had to let my guard down. When I let my guard down, I felt tears welling up in my eyes and was bombarded three or so times with the memory for about three minutes. (I often refuse to cry, no matter what is thrown at me as a point of defiance. My culture is that holding back a downpour of tears allows me to feel the reality of the situation and is more depressing than crying.) As I said, I am losing my mind. I feel distant and numb, so I'm going to go running.

Tulpa progress: No communication from tulpa. EDIT: maybe

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/147_3.html

145

Tuesday, August 28, 2012, 12:20PM It's amazing how discouraging it can be to have a record shattered and slightly difficult to remember this blog with college starting again. I will be busy until I can settle into the new pace, but I won't quit even though it seems more impossible these days, which is what I want to spill my guts about right now. I feel much more sane, but every time I talk to my tulpa, it feels like talking to myself (or no one). I lack motivation. I lack the hope I had when I first started. The magic is gone and now this feels like just another tiny areas of my life or like it is without goals. It's the same feeling of being unappreciated or paid attention to and I'm still doing it like a fool. I know attention isn't bad, but I don't want to be like everyone else and need attention. I know the world wouldn't be a better place if everyone thought like me, but I am going to stick stubbornly to these ridiculous beliefs until I determine the time of 'for now' is over. Attention. It makes me sick. Your memories make you who you are. Without memories, you are no one. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I thirst for attention so much that I reject it. Maybe I reject attention because I thirst so much for it. Maybe I wanted a tulpa to cure my thirst for attention. Maybe I wanted a tulpa for its attention. I sicken myself. Maybe having attention paid... time spent... something more given? Maybe that allows us to remember. Maybe that's why I can't remember in the first place.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/146.html

144

Saturday, August 25, 2012, 7:01PM Hopefully interruptions such as those lately only occur as often as once a year. The daily logs will continue, if all goes well. My tulpa still has not spoken, but this was never supposed to be a normal case of effort in, progress out because some there are a few people out there who are wired differently than the rest.

Progress: No communication.

wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/145.html

143

Tuesday, August 21, 2012, 7:45PM Don't worry, you didn't miss much. If my tulpa has a voice, then it is LOUD and I've heard it before (and didn't think it was special). Here's what I've been doing: I imagine a planet, representing my mind, with the surface crashing with ocean waves. I then visualize the calming of the waves. The ocean waves, in more detail, is me remembering the feeling of being out of control of my thoughts or actions. It is my lack of understanding-- complexity. If I take the time to put aside the complexities, then I get to where clarity is growing stronger. The 'voice' may be a fluke with having to do with transitioning between sleep and wake, but perhaps not. On another note, if I was say, involuntarily admitted to an mental illness treatment facility and they, say, kept me longer than any sane person would deem appropriate in order to, say, collect money from insurance or other funds made possible by having patients, the people following my blog would not take the fact that I stopped posting for an entire week without warning after making a point to post each day for 142 days as a sign that something was wrong and investigate the matter. That's good, because that's what real-life friends (the ones who room with you) are for. My roommates would likely find my absence suspicious, so don't worry about the above hypothetical extraction that not only entertained you, but provided information that my strange sense of humor is still intact, which means whatever did happen while I was gone didn't take everything from me. Progress: No certain responses.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/144.html

142

Monday, August 13, 2012, 10:55PM

The voice was decided with a possible emotional response upon settling on it, but jumping to such a conclusion (optimistic in comparison to past visualization feats) seems unwise.

Progress: No speech. No sentience. Narrating.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/143.html

141

Sunday, August 12, 2012, 10:00PM

The narration must go on.

Progress: Narration, voice work.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/142.html

140

Saturday, August 11, 2012, 3:11PM

A theory has been suggested to me as to why I cannot hear my tulpa. The theory tells me that it may be because I haven't given my tulpa a set voice. They are right-- I haven't told my tulpa which voice and accent it should have.

My tulpa's voice was supposed to be decided by my tulpa. Even though I say this, I do influence my tulpa's voice in some ways. I am expecting an imperfect voice, because I don't like perfection (or rather I see perfection in imperfection). I am expecting a voice that will give me ASMR (the sensation of chills down my spine), though there are so many types of voices that do this in real life that it does not really narrow it down. Because I try not to purposely think of a voice, I am expecting to hear a voice related to songs, movies, or even real people I am familiar with. I also might do some editing to the voice, even if it isn't bad.

My eyes have been opened a little-- what if not having a voice is the big problem that has kept me down this whole time? I did not think of having a voice decided as very important. It makes sense that if you can morally mold the body, then you can morally mold the voice.

Progress: No sure response.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/141.html

139

Friday, August 10, 2012, 9:23PM

Wonderlanding seems to give me a more fulfilling feeling, as opposed to narrating without visualizing. The wonderland being used is a restaurant-like setting.

The drained-feeling is returning (lack of motivation, tired). Sometime recently, the passion stopped flowing in all previous areas of interest. Perhaps some goals cannot be approached by a single person.

Talking about tulpae ends here.

Some puzzle pieces fit together today.
You shouldn't live your life telling yourself 'things will be better when...' because life will never get that way. Everyone is screwed up, it's not just you. Everyone has skeletons in their closets. Learn to be happy despite being screwed up. Don't make promises to yourself that you will be happy later. Work toward your goals and better yourself, but try to realize that life is incredibly short. Even if you don't ever complete your goals, you can still find happiness in helping others.

Progress: Tulpanarration, waiting for response.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/140.html

138

Thursday, August 9, 2012, 10:06AM

There are so many variables in the equation, it can get a little overwhelming if you want to figure out the mathematical formula for tulpa creation. Some variables are more likely to contribute to success than others, depending on strategy. Time, attention, effort. If spent with the idea of a mutual relationship in mind, these resources equate to most definitions of love (or at least evidence supporting relationship on the love spectrum). Interesting.

Progress: No certain signs of communication.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/139.html

137

Wednesday, August 8, 2012, 10:04PM

No tulpa talk today...
These posts are going to be boring if I don't ramble about something other than my progress (if it can be called that) so I'll talk about my theory of swear words.

Doofus and silly can be used as very lethal swear words-- potent to the point that it challenges (and if used properly, beats) the swear words censored from certain forms of media. What makes them lethal is that by using them, you are telling your victim that s/he is not worth a fancy cuss. Also, when a swear word is used too frequently, it becomes devalued. Less notable is the surprise factor that comes with using such a word in the victim realizing that s/he is being looked down on as not being intelligent enough or mature enough for 'grownup' language. To end my theory, using less words may be a good strategy-- especially in a counter-cuss. If the opponent spends fifteen seconds on a chain-cuss in your direction only to be looked straight in the eyes and told that s/he (and what they just said) is silly, it will hit hard. Exceptions apply for everything and judgement (analyzing the situation) should always factor into your strategy of any form of manipulation. This is an easy alternative to using large words to make the victim feel unintelligent, but I would highly recommend using large words due to its ability to, upon stumping*, put victims into a) blind rage or b) forced apathy. I am not responsible for any of the aftermath related to this theory, but don't let that stop you from getting into a safe argument. For science.

* Stumping, as I define it, is overwhelming of another's mind. Speak at a pace faster than they can record into their short-term memory (practice speaking without effort and with passion) and use large words. Quintessential. Intrinsic. Inflect your voice in waves to make it sound like you are droning on about how easy what you are speaking about is.

Progress: No certain signs of communication.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/138.html

136

Tuesday, August 7, 2012, 11:07PM

Still narrating. Still waiting (no offense, pre-tulpa).

Progress: No clear signs of communication.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/137.html

135

Monday, August 6, 2012, 11:47PM

That three-day plan was basically "try using a wonderland", but in an extended format. Oh well. Back to narrating.

Progress: No certain communication.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/136.html

134

Sunday, August 5, 2012, 10:41PM

If anyone has any tips on how to do this...

Evidently, certain types of people cannot be hypnotized and the like.

I'm currently trying out a 3-day plan. I'm on the third day. Unfortunately, I don't believe it will work. I want it to work. I want it to mock everything I did by working in three days. I'm not attached to my chaotic experiments. I'm not stubborn enough to do things my way.

Progress: No certain tulpa communication.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/135.html

133

Saturday, August 4, 2012, 7:55PM

Narration is normal, really. It feels normal even though I know, deep down, it isn't. Occasionally, I will have a tickle in my head when I reference a question to my pretulpa. Nothing else is on my mind, so I'll cut off the usually-once-a-day post.

Progress: No tulpa sure signs of approaching speech.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/134.html

132

Friday, August 3, 2012, 11:18PM

Still narrating. Still listening.

Progress: No speech.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/133.html

131.2

Wednesday, August 1, 2012, 11:11PM

Nothing much to talk about tulpa-wise. I narrated less frequently today, too.

Progress: Tulpa narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/132.html

131

Wednesday, August 1, 2012, 2:08AM

I just remembered something relevant to the placebo post a while back. It is dangerous. If you dabble in this stuff, you will start to apply it to other areas of your life, such as happiness. If you ever get in a deep depression in life, you might try to get out of it by faking happiness, only to face the truth and plunge into depression again, but when you emerge, you may never be completely certain if the happiness you feel is real or not.
But don't let that stop you from fighting the good fight. To all people, their own strategy.

Progress: No speech. Listening and narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/08/1312.html

130

Tuesday, July 31, 2012, 10:17PM

Nothing was prepared for today's post, so today's post simply keeps the record going and keeps all (ten to twenty?) of you in anticipation for updates.

Progress: No speech.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/131.html

129

Monday, July 30, 2012, 9:25PM

I was going to talk about the placebo effect, wasn't I? The placebo effect is the bane to all psychological theories, but it can also be manipulated. You know what I mean, right? We know that if a result is expected, then we can basically create that result. It's fake progress, but it's progress.

Trick Placebo
Let's assume that 90% of all people believe that Scar-Be-Gone, my made-up (as far as I know) and self-explanatory skin cream, notice an improvement in their skin quality. Why? The active ingredients include the the hope that you take good care of your skin in the applied areas, the time it takes for your natural processes to heal a scar, and the product name. Mostly the product name. You will look in the mirror and smile because your eyes see what you want them to see (and we aren't even branding a belief into our subconscious on purpose, like we do with tulpae). You are sure the product is working, so you walk out the door with a smile on your face, lower stress, and it is contagious. Everyone is smiling because you are smiling. You get a complement on how good you look and you are sure they aren't focusing on your scar.

What does this have to do with tulpae? I touched on it a little in the example, but I'll delve deeper into it here. Sometimes we want a placebo effect and sometimes we don't. Here's something interesting, the miracle placebo.

Miracle Placebo
Scar-Be-Gone. You use it. You believe in it. It works... because it is increasing the elastin and protein quality of your skin. Your microcirculation is also becoming that of a healthy child. What just happened? Scar-Be-Gone happened without any physical active ingredients. For some unexplainable reason, your body made the repairs. Yes, psychology is mysterious. Faith is mysterious. There may be an official name for it somewhere, but I'll call it the miracle placebo.

This is not what I want to happen when I create a tulpa. When I create a tulpa, I want there to be belief, yes. I want to fool my brain, yes. I don't want to, along the way, believe that my parroting is actually my tulpa. I am also wary enough of the placebo effect that I am worried that I will disregard signs of progress. Let's manipulate the placebo law to our advantage, shall we? Let's make a miracle placebo. When we see monks or spiritual masters, we don't see them as having comfortable lives. They put themselves through mind-wracking situations in order to strengthen their minds. Kill bad brain cells? Make better neuron connections? Drive out other thoughts? I don't know. One theory I have is that they wear themselves down so that they can be subjected to influence (placebos). Of course they will have visions if they starve themselves in pitch-black caves. They take from their visions enlightenment and achieve progress.

Where was I going with this?

 Nowhere, really. It's not like me to do anything but think. I was thinking that I might also be able to apply this concept to remembering things, but then I would create for myself a fake past, which won't go well. Faking photographic memory will cause me to hallucinate (see Don Quijote). I've already tried faking the time in between daymares before (somewhat*) by telling myself how great is was that those days were over. We both know how that turned out (for those who think I am talking to myself, I am talking to the future me who will read this later).

*I actually thought it had been a while because I have a skewed concept of time due to forgetting. I was extremely social at the time, so I wore myself out enough for the 'long time' since my last daymare to be partially true at least. I was congratulating myself, in a way, by being relieved that things were finally settling down. I guess I warped the saying, "It gets worse before it gets better."

Progress: No speech. Narrating. Listening.

128

Sunday, July 29, 2012, 9:29PM

I made it a point to meditate and narrate today more than usual. I had at least two sessions. They both started out awkward because I don't exactly have a lot to talk about at first. I don't like starting conversations with myself as the topic. I try not to make myself sound too important, but it is hard not to start a sentence with the letter I or make an opinional sentence sound like a fact. Maybe I am thinking too hard about all of this.

But let's not get off topic...

The sessions did not last more than twenty minutes each. I am losing momentum or something. Also, if I talk long enough, I tend to spill my guts out. Tulpae are caring, right? You care about you, right? I hate to be one of those philosophers who asks annoying questions in an attempt at finding answers, but...

What? Did you expect a thought-provoking question here?

Perhaps I mentioned before that I am losing motivation. If I didn't mention it before, you can rationalize two things. First, I am losing motivation. Second, I don't really know a whole lot about my own blog. In fact, whenever I read it, it sounds like I am reading about a close friend or someone in the news. I even have points where I feel denial that I am even making a tulpa, all the while frequently narrating throughout the same day.

This blog is mostly...

I am selfish. This blog is mostly for me to look back on and learn something about what I was like in my past. No one who makes a tulpa becomes a celebrity because of it. That's fine. I don't want fame. I just want simplicity, but my theory is that in order to gain simplicity without starting out with it, one must get ahead via strategic complications.
I am an introvert and I don't plan on complicating my future life any more than it already looks. Right now, my thought process is everywhere. For example, half the time, I leave typing to automatic processes while I focus my mental resources on strategies for how to cover topics efficiently. I don't even understand it, but I may as well type something I don't understand down and know that I will one day look back on something and make sense out of it. The point is, that I don't think many people analyze underlying mental processes much as I do. It is not only my mental processes which are being studied either.

Ahh, the thrill of decoding humanity-- treating them like logical puzzles instead of emotional creatures.

You think I don't have regrets for how I see things? I regret everything until I am nothing but wide eyed and heavy-hearted. I regret like I was born to.
You don't believe me? Go through my letters and tally up all the sentences that simply begin with I.  If I reference you, I am referencing to my future self (myself), so that counts as well. Look back a few sentences and notice the invisible: "(You) go through my letters...". That counts as well. If I use the word me, that counts as well. I hope that by the time you read this again, you have recovered or you don't understand what I am talking about.

Returning to our subject on tulpa creation...

I knew this would be a long process when I began. At first, taking it slow sounded like a good idea. When my more-- abnormal-- characteristics sneaked their way on stage, I was tempted in rushing the process.  I was both impatient and afraid. I am sorry if I got your hopes up. I apologize for gambling-- creating false confidence and promising optimism at the expense of being realistic.

I was originally going to speak with you about a taboo: the placebo effect. It will have to tie in later, though you can look at posts with this in perspective if you haven't been already.

1. I'm not getting any alien feeling, am I doing something wrong?

   No, you're not doing anything wrong. Some people don't get a feeling right off that what they're doing is paying off. I didn't get one, nor did I see any results until my first tulpa was showing signs of sentience. The feeling really doesn't mean much, I don't think it's a good indicator for anything because not everyone has it. In short, don't sweat it.
   http://tulpa.info/guides/frequently-asked-questions.html#sec-2-4
   Edit: I stumbled upon this and it seems to fit.

Progres: No speech.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/129.html

127

Saturday, July 28, 2012, 11:06PM

Even though I narrate frequently throughout the day, it is a bit exhausting. It isn't very rewarding, either, which sort of saps the energy out of me. Every once in a while, I think I receive a 'clue' that I am getting closer to my goal. I've occasionally received head pressure, but I'm not convinced it is due to progress because it happens so infrequently.  Don't get me wrong-- there is a good chance it has something to do with what I've been doing to my brain lately.  I'm not prone to random aches, pains, or anything. I don't ever get headaches.

Going along with what I said about clues, my subconscious has been influencing me more, I think. What happened today that would be a good example for this?
I will see a word out of the corner of my eye, without being able to read it, then I will know how to spell it even though it is not an English word.

The days have been blending together (or over each other?) lately.  Also, I am a bit frustrated.  I feel blind.  I wish I could relax.  I wish for obvious, consistent, signs of progress.

Also, I think I feel closer to my tulpa when I am hungry. Am I the only one?

Progress: Narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/128.html

126

Friday, July 27, 2012, 11:01PM

Nothing happened today except daydreaming.

Progress: Narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/127.html

125.2

Thursday, July 26, 2012, 9:27PM

Has anyone else ever felt a slight tickle in their head? It might have not been strong enough to be worthy of the title "tickle", but it didn't feel bad and it was in my head. It occurred when I closed my eyes and had a small narration while sitting. It was strong enough to become the focus of sensations in my whole body. Other people get pressure and headaches. I have never heard of this before.

Progress: Narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/126.html

125

Thursday, July 26, 2012, 12:50AM

I just wanted to mention that I still can't get over seeing images in my head. Still lines. Colors. The last image I saw had blue. It was a blue wolf. Wolves aren't blue, so this brings me to my next point. I may be seeing things that someone else wants to see. I didn't try to think of a blue wolf. It shares no connection with anything in my life or I would have had a memory trigger. Now that I mention it, it had wings for a bit as well, but the moral of this story still remains.

What if my tulpa is thinking of these things? I have been focusing on communication through speech, but what if my tulpa is trying to communicate in different ways? I would take anything right now. I am not going to put "maybe communication" in the progress for now because I am not gathering any information from the new images.

Progress: No speech.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/1252.html

124

Wednesday, July 25, 2012, 10:58PM

I'm not sure what to say. Oh. I can officially say my blog has thousands of views. Also, I am in a dead zone with narrating and I hope to be over with it. Maybe I'm burnt out. I don't know.

Progress: No speech yet.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/125.html

123

Tuesday, July 24, 2012, 10:05PM

Today (or was it last night?) I sincerely lost the hopeful feelings I had about all of this. I remember that the idea of creating a tulpa seemed completely possible for me, but now it feels like I'm narrating to no one. On the bright side, this may mean that what I was doing was working. I am feeling better already.

Progress: Narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/124.html

122

Monday, July 23, 2012, 10:41PM

Tulpa:
Not a whole lot of tulpa today, but today is busy (until I can narrate at 12AM). I planned on narrating today at noon, but I was tired... again.

Sleep:
I am sleeping a lot more, but I'm more tired. I sleep for about seven hours at night (1AM to 8AM) and an additional three hours during the day (1PM to 4PM).

Progress: No speech. Narrating personality.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/123.html

121

Sunday, July 22, 2012, 11:39PM

My tulpa is not speaking, but that's normal. I've been very busy lately, but not too busy to narrate in my head while in public. I also narrate aloud while driving. Along with the end-night session, it comes together.

Not tulpa-related:
I've been pondering life a bit, which is odd because I'm mentally exhausted. I've been thinking about a concept for a day or two so much that I figured I would put it down somewhere that wouldn't get lost. Actually, that's basically what Wintrovert is. It didn't start as anything more than that little voice in my head telling me I should just do something, but now I can use the site as a reference for thoughts that score higher in "sounds important" than "has practical use." I'm exhausted, but I'll try to get back on track.
This thought I was pondering, I was thinking that it must be important if it can be applied to every human case. I just want to make sense out of things.

Oh, by the way, this is how every person ticks:

I wish I could say that this is some phenomenal world truth, but let's just keep it as a humble life lesson which might be applied to people like me.

To say we have lived a fulfilled life, we must complete goals to increase our self-worth.
Some of these goals might be interests.
Interests fall into the category of skills, which can be sharpened with practice in an ideal world.
There are two types of interests: Gamble and ideal.
Gamble interests are interests that have no guaranteed 'skill-sharpening' mechanic. The mascot I will use for gamble interests is an inventor. Even after a lifetime of experimentation, the inventor might not have anything to show.
Ideal interests are interests that have a basic 'you get better at it' mechanic. Those who work hard, practice, or strategize efficiently will reap rewards.

I don't know where I was going with this. Don't I usually tie in tulpa or...


No. I think I just wanted to allow future-me to read this.

Yeah?

I saw an odd man with a carved branch (walking stick) talking to a cop this morning. A half-hour later, I was walking by this man. He was talking to himself. As I walked alongside him (it's what I do), his conversation merged to include me. His voice was shaky. He turned his left pocket inside-out and grabbed a pathetic handful of bills and change. He said it was all he had to his name. He said he would sell his hand-carved walking stick for two dollars. Keep in mind that it is a brilliant tactic to ask someone for two dollars. Asking for a specific amount of money is proven to work better than asking for money in general. I was already planning on paying him a five before he began his explanation on how long it took for him to carve it. Also, remember that in order to carve a walking stick, you must have a knife (not to mention he had a trimmed beard). Before I could walk away, he asked for another dollar from me. He told me it would be for booze. No mentally-ill man on the streets with a few dollars to his name would take a simple 'no' for an answer. Keep in mind that it is extremely threatening for a man in his position to break trust. Social protocol does not safely allow the additional appending of negative material onto an accepted contract. It was a safe hook for fine print, where if I was shown to be kind enough, he would ask for more. I told him that this world isn't like that. I told him something along the lines of the above and cautiously walked away. I was halfway to the next block when he shouted a thank you.
This story ties back into the daymare family. Usually, when I get involved with someone whose life is broken, I can empathize with them to the point where I feel how they feel based off of my past experiences and my imagination. So far, I haven't had any flashbacks where I relive the scenario or any daymares that force me to feel how he feels. 'He was lonely' sums up my psychoanalysis. That was all I gathered.

Also, this isn't helping me regain my trust in people. It only justifies my eccentric interests in social hypnosis, human studies, and psychology.

Progress: No speech. Personality narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/122.html

120

Saturday, July 21, 2012, 11:06PM

Narrated all the waking day, but in small, infrequent bursts. I am about to go for the long session. I expect tomorrow to be similar, but probably more stressful if I don't sleep tonight. Wish me luck as I continue to live life in hard mode.
The events today reminded me of my life as it was a few years ago: I slept where I could, ate unhealthy (and less frequently), and generally suffered. It is that homeless feel, but there is something synthetic about it. Survival will do that to you. It will make you think abnormal is normal. That your skin is supposed to be that cold. It will make you think it is okay to make beds out of the contents of the warmest room. It will wake you up at the slightest noise because you know you aren't supposed to be sleeping where you are. I feel absolutely sick. Every day felt like the first day in a cruel world, but the way I thought proved that I had been playing the game for far too long.

Progress: No speech. Personality narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/121.html

119

Friday, July 20, 2012, 5:08pm

Tons of narration. Not much else to do.

Progress: No speech... Still narrating.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/saturday-july-21-2012-1106pmnarrated.html

118.2

Thursday, July 19, 2012, 11:52PM

Thinking in pictures is great. It may not be 'thinking in pictures' by the general sense of the phrase, but I think this is the first week of my life that I can think of something, close my eyes, and see it. I may not have a tulpa yet, but I'm impressed and thankful for this accomplishment, small as it may seem.

Progress: No speech. Tulpa narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/119.html

118

Thursday, July 19, 2012, 9:58PM

If you don't use it, you lose it. Got to go.

Progress: No speech. Tulpa narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/1182.html

117

Wednesday, July 18, 2012, 11:02PM

I find it humorous that I actually want to feel head pains. Who would want a headache other than a tulpamancer?

Progress: No speech. Personality narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/118.html

116

Tuesday, July 17, 2012, 7:47PM

I will still narrate, even though the mood of too much of my narration is worse. The mood can best be described as a form of impatience. It is like a teacher with a very well-behaved student and one who could makes many mistakes. The teacher would think, "Why can't you be like the well-behaved student?" I get the same feeling. I want things to go my way, I notice it, then I try to convince myself that if I want to stop being selfish, then I no longer have that as part of my reason for narrating.

That was probably confusing, but I was typing as quickly as I could think, so I think it was from my heart.

Progress: Personality Narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/117.html

115

Monday, July 16, 2012, 11:21PM

I am a researcher.
Due to poor time management, I have failed to do more than a few sentences of narration. I hardly even kept the presence of a thought alive that I had a pre-tulpa waiting to be brought to life. Luckily, I have time again. Luckily, the night is still young.

See you later (hopefully not too much later).

Progress: Tulpa personality narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/116.html

114

Sunday, July 15, 2012, 10:47PM

Still narrating.
Will narrate more before sleep.

That sums up today and every other day.  I say, "I'm going to take my tulpa _____ with me."  We just had a bike ride.  Now I'm worn out and in the mood to just lay around.

Also, very slight lack of motivation on my end.  I don't think it's the weather, either.*

*Implying the weather is cloudy.  This implies the opinional axiom, "Cloudy weather is bad." with which I completely disagree.  I prefer it to sunny days.

Progress: Personality narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/115.html

113

Saturday, July 14, 2012, 9:51PM

"... that makes sense because you got your dog shortly after we met."
My friend is referring to an event four years ago.  I find it interesting whenever someone says something like this.  The context of this statement is that I don't know when I got my dog, but someone else does.

My visualization is improving.  I meant to say something a few days ago, but I wasn't sure if I should because I didn't know if it would continue.  A few days ago, I had a few hours of near-photographic visual memory.  Whenever I close my eyes before I sleep, I can't sleep right away because I don't want to give up the ability to see anything I can think of.

Narration was not full-blown today and I am very tired (still).

Also, I typed this down quickly due to excusing myself from a conversation, so I'll cut this short.

Progress: Tulpa narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/114.html

112

Friday, July 13, 2012, 6:16PM

I am very tired again, so I figure this is a good time to post.

Also, I do experiments on occasion.  Surprised?  Here is one I will try to follow roughly:
http://www.instructables.com/id/Ganzfeld-Hack-Your-Brain-the-Legal-Way/

Basically, I'll try to hear my tulpa via making the radio static cause my brain to hallucinate sounds.

Progress: Personality narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/113_14.html

111.2

Thursday, July 12, 2012, 1:55PM

Meditation is going well.  I am seeing much more clearly.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/112.html

111

Thursday, July 12, 2012, 1:08AM

I just got back from the 'centering' method from post 110.2 and I have to say, it seems promising.  I'll try it again sometime and see if I can get farther.
Clearing my mind was easy, then coyotes started howling.  I had to start over.  I was too deep on the second try to get startled out of it.  I even heard a train go by and didn't react to it.  I live right under a plane runway, so I can ignore planes pretty well.  Also, I had earplugs in because I anticipated crickets and owls.
The next step was picturing something turning calm.  I chose the lake first, but I animated the transformation instantly.  I think the point is to transform the subject smoothly and slowly.  I switched to the colored ball (red for me) and it worked pretty well.  It was hard to make it large like a planet, so I settled with something medium-sized.  The reason I chose the planet first was because the background was already black.  The medium-sized red ball was shivering.  I slowly calmed it down until it was smooth and shiny.
I had already rehearsed this a few times, but I was too excited (and possibly too apart from myself due to meditation) to remember this step at first.  I was at a loss of words, as if I had forgotten how to talk.  I knew what I wanted to say.

Find... (wait a while)
Tulpa's... (wait a longer while)
Data stream... (close enough, right?)

Then I waited-- trying not to expect a response.  Trying to be passive.
I believe I tried this at least two more times, changing the process slightly each time.  At least once, I tried to change a rugged trumpet sound into a smooth note.  I tried to talk to my (pre)tulpa, asking for a response and general encouragement.  I thought this was a good time to introduce myself again.  In the tulpa community, people usually get headaches or pressure in the head.  I did not have the pleasure of this, but I hope for an insane tulpaforce hangover in the morning so I can see if orange juice really is the cure.

Also, I had to abort a few times due to a surprise image and a daymare brought on by one of the sounds I was trying to create.

Progress: Narration, adjusting dials for tulpa's voice channel.

wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/1112.html

110.2

Wednesday, July 11, 2012, 11:34PM

There is a lot of hype with a method called 'centering'.  It is a strategy I am going to try out tonight for the first time just in case I am blocking out my tulpa's voice.  I sort of translated the original post, so it could be inaccurate.

=======================================================================
http://tulpa.info/forums/Thread-Centering-and-Tulpae
CENTERING by ThatOneGuy
This is a method for hearing your tulpa's voice, but can be used for all senses.
You are about to view thoughts passively, instead of being a part of them.
You won't view all of the thought traffic coming from your brain.
That would be too much.
You will only be viewing traffic for your tulpa.
Now that you know what you are in for, let's get started.
1: Clear your mind.
Method:
    (insert method here)
2: Figure out what the subconscious 'data stream' feels like.
You will know this feeling once you are in between 'focusing on nothing' and 'focusing on something'.
It is an obvious 'you'll know it when you feel it' feeling.
If done correctly, you should be able to examine thoughts without stifling them with concentration.
Method:
    Picture a wavy lake with an island in the middle.
    Picture the lake being calmed until reflective.
Method:
    Picture a colored ball with an energetic surface.
    Calm the surface of said ball.
Method:
    Imagine a rough noise calming down until smooth.
Method:
    Bring your hand toward your body in a sweeping motion while breathing deeply.
3: Locate the data stream specifically related to your tulpa. 
This is the data stream that allows your tulpa to interact with the five senses.
While in the passive state from step 2, briefly think of something pertaining to your tulpa's senses.
Await a response.
Method:
    Declare what you are looking for.
    "Sense stream for NameOfTulpa."
    If this works properly, you should get a foreign response.
    To improve, try centering during other activities.
    You will be able to go longer durations with practice.
=======================================================================

Progress: Narration, no response.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/111.html

110

Wednesday, July 11, 2012, 12:20AM

It was good while it lasted.
I thought it might be worthy to note that I've been able to think in pictures lately.  Until last night, I have been able to simply think of something and see it in my head.  Last night, I dug too deep when I tried to focus on a person's nose.  The lesson was that if I don't know what every part of a person looks like, then I shouldn't even try to fill in the gaps with my imagination.  As you may have already guessed, the nose was corrupted a bit.  Instead of aborting the thought process, I hopelessly subjected myself to focusing on it in an attempt to change things back to the way they were.  I ended up aborting before it would get worse.
Even though I this is related to daymares, I don't really count this as a true daymare.  This is an on-the-spot definition, but I think a daymare is a forced memory (which can be real, altered, or completely unrelated to the victim's life) which causes harm (mentally-draining, increased heartbeat, chest pain, and those imagined feelings from the memory such as fear, guilt, or physical injury).  When my thoughts become corrupted, it becomes difficult to explain.  I'm very certain it is related to daymares, but I can't put a word to it besides corruption.

Why?
I may have mentioned my theories before:
My brain wants to subject myself to negative emotions frequently in order to let off steam.  If I didn't have frequent small ones to prepare me for the (in comparison) huge daymares, they would render me mentally harmed.  I need to callous my mind to prepare.  Cover my brain with mud to block the scorching sun.
I block out memories because they are too much for me to handle.
I block out memories because they are too beautiful and they would make me see everything I am experiencing as hellish in comparison.
I have a huge conscience, therefore I have huge empathy.
I have huge empathy, therefore I have a huge conscience.
I am actually an evil person and my brain is trying to make me good via subjecting me to 'see how you like it' simulations.
I am trying to recover from some terrible mentally-scarring event that I am suppressing.
I am constantly thinking and it separates me from normal perspectives of reality, which prevents me from relying on memories like other people.
I am constantly thinking, therefore I have no time to keep track of memories.
I am constantly thinking, therefore I convert constructs normally used for memory into other problem-solving constructs (pretty inefficient if you ask me, but the brain's the boss).
I have no memories, therefore I learned to adapt to social situations.
I am excellent at social adaptation, therefore I do not need memories.
My subconscious knows that negative feelings are bad, therefore it subjects me to them in order to make myself 'invincible' to them.  Defiant to daymares.  "Is that all you got?"  A masochist even.  "You can't hurt me when I take pleasure from the pain."
There are theories I do not want to say because they feed off of being spoken about.  Use your imagination, I don't like to go there.
I have seen or known too much happen to the friends I meet.  Innocents turning to drugs, alcohol, cutting, and living in tragic homes.
Everything I am is the result of having no childhood.
I have multiple personalities, each with its own memory and possibly even a combination of the above.  This theory exponentiates the possibilities.

In other news... I still have a powersession tonight.  I might edit this list with other theories.

Progress: Tulpa personality narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/1102.html

109

Tuesday, July 10, 2012, 6:48PM

I'm typing this early because I don't know if I can guarantee that I'll be awake for much longer.  I don't think I'll say anything else to prevent myself from saying anything incoherent.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/110.html

108

Monday, July 9, 2012, 9:30PM

After reading for three hours, my patience at the material was running out.
'This woman has never watched television, never talked on a phone, and never read a newspaper.  Is she from another planet?'
I responded aloud, "Come on, love."
This daymare brought to you in part by phrases you continue to use for years at a time.
This experience spawned in me a theory that the reason I constantly change as a person is because I constantly throw away the things I do that make me who I am.  Of course, this leads to the obvious theoretical conclusion of 'changing who you are all the time probably induces amnesia.'
I create theories like this every once in a while.  It just so happened that I had access to a computer this time.

On another note, tulpae.  I woke up to start narrating, but I ended up losing all my momentum due to other mental commitments (which have to do with making more time for my future-tulpa, so I'm not complaining.)
On another optimistic note, the last time I took a break, I was a narrating machine the next day.

Also, I still have a chance to redeem myself tonight in my powersession.

Progress: Tulpanarration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/109.html

107

Sunday, July 8, 2012, 9:55PM

I narrated more today than yesterday, which is saying a lot.  I could actually concentrate without strain.  It is probably a combination of taking a low-action day yesterday and sleeping 7 whole hours.  Anyway, today was very productive, I'd say.  If you don't already have an idea of it, here's how I narrate:
Wake up.
Eat breakfast.
Remember I have a pre-tulpa.
"Oh, hello there. Want to water some flowers?"
"... and that's why I can't really think of anything phenomenal to say while watering plants."
"... I wonder how well I can do this in my head."
"... [insert psychoanalysis of people I observe here], what do you think?"
"... which veggie omelet should I order?"
"... I mean, if that's okay with you.  I don't want to impose or anything."
"... let's do sociology homework!"
"... I'm only halfway done and I still think psychology is better, but I'll remain optimistic.  Also, I'll do it tomorrow."
"... sorry, what was I saying? Err... thinking?  I guess I can narrate pretty well in my head."
"... I can't believe I've had music playing this whole time and haven't forgotten about you."
"... is it getting dark already?"
Then at evening...
"... oops. Forgot about you for a while."
"... should I keep rambling or just publish the post?"

A doubt I am dealing with right now is whether or not I am narrating to myself or my pre-tulpa, but that's only a small problem.

Again, I plan on having a focused "I will do nothing but narrate about my day" session tonight.

Oh, this is good:
"... I was going to say something else too.  What was it?"

I remembered: I am beginning to get a feel for how possible it is to have a tulpa help someone with remembering.

Progress: Tulpanarration continued.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/108.html

106

Saturday, July 7, 2012, 9:29PM

I narrated more today than the other days, though I didn't do much else.  Still listening.

Progress: Tulpanarration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/107.html

105

Friday, July 6, 2012, 10:51PM

I didn't wake up and narrate right away, but I did narrate earlier than yesterday.  I also ran into the problem of extremely low attention span.  It was bad to the point that I was daydreaming.  Hopefully this means that my brain was tired from the workout I've been giving it lately.

Progress: Tulpanarration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/106.html

104

Thursday, July 5, 2012, 9:26PM

Well, time for the powernarration.  I slept most of the day away, which I could probably get used to, but I did do what I said and started narrating shortly after breakfast.  I don't need to tell you that the narration stopped when I fell asleep.  Like I said, time for a long session.

Progress: Good.  Swell.  Nice.  Narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/105.html

103

Wednesday, July 4, 2012, 9:44PM


I'm lacking motivation to do much but narrate right now, which is good.  My motivation is so low that skipping this blog post sounded like a viable option.

Have I mentioned this before?  I don't think I have.  Strange!
I'm not going to simply stop posting.  I don't plan on giving up without saying anything.  Even if I did feel like throwing in the towel, I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.  Even if I did say goodbye, I will probably return.
Long story short:
If I ever skip a post, consider me physically unable to and await a tale of my adventures.
But I am very good at backup plans, so don't expect me to be more than a little late.

Back to tulpae:
I am still narrating frequently throughout the day.  This means that I set my pretulpa aside in order to use those mental resources for other tasks, not the other way around.  This consists of short remarks and questions separated by pauses.  This does not include the 'talk about the day' power session at the end of the day.  I don't wake up and start narrating, but once I start, I go until the end of the day.  Maybe I'll try to start when I wake up, though.

Progress:  Tulpanarration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/104.html

102.2

Tuesday, July 3, 2012, 11:25PM

I'm about to go for another powernarration.

Progress:  Starting long narration sessions.
Goal:  60 min.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/103.html

102

Tuesday, July 3, 2012, 12:28AM

I just got done riding my bike while tulpanarrating.  The session was intended to last for 50 minutes, but it became 70.

Progress: Retaliation stage, tulpanarration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/1022.html

101

Monday, July 2, 2012, 9:39PM

Usually, I can't go more than a 10-minute stretch at once (and even that is full of empty space), but the time gets slightly longer or more frequent each day.  These days, I don't keep track of how long I narrate at once unless it is related to the numbers on a treadmill or to the time I woke up.

I used to get on the IRC and check up on the blogs and be in awe of how individuals acted casually about this.  I didn't think they were nearly as serious as I was about it, but they could just put their minds to it and get it done.  Then like a switch, the same people who talk about cartoons and memes become the enlightened masters I wish I had.
 
I have a less psychological theory about how I think I need to progress.  It has worked with a (very) few other situations in my life, so why not apply it to this one?  Well, here's how I think this works-- I need to just... lose.  I need to lose the battle, but not the war.

Declare goal.
Work toward goal.
Struggle.
Become humble.
Retaliate.<I am now here.
Exhaustion.
Defeat.
Natural epiphany.

I need to be crushed by the intensity of all the energy I've put into this.  I am like Atlas right now, holding a planet-sized mass of my efforts, frustration, and other thoughts.  I need to let it fall down on me.  Instead of trying my best to grasp something, I need to let it manipulate me.


The thing is, I can't purposely let go.  It has to be real.  I have to try to keep holding it up as it gets heavier.  I need to fight against it until exhaustion.  I won't have it any other way.

I used to be a runner.  I got to learn a lot about time.  Time seems to slow down while running.  Fifty minutes of long-distance running each day is not easy to get used to, but I've always liked that number.  It sort of retaliates against the number sixty.  It is like fourty-nine lashes being mercy from that fiftieth 'straw that breaks the camel's back'.  Fifty is an incredible, unbearable number.  Running is unbearable at 10 minutes if you try hard.  This is why I am going to start off at fifty minutes tonight.

Progress:  I am at the stage of retaliation.
Power session: 50 minutes.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/102.html

100

Sunday, July 1, 2012, 11:59PM

Still going along with portable narration.  No sign of 'life.'  Hopefully slow personality narration is just me climbing to the top of a hill for a speedy slide down.

Progress: Slow personality narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/101.html

99

Saturday, June 30, 2012, 11:21PM

Pardon my rambling:

There is this mental tightrope I have to walk across.  It is one of those 'fine line' kind of things.  We usually go about our daily lives unaware of various psychological laws acting on us.  These are unspoken laws.  I believe we suppress them for good reasons.  If we talk about them, point them out, or experiment with them, we play with fire.  If we find some 'secret truth' that explains our minds and human-human interaction, we never look at the world the same way.  We begin to see people as scripts, actions, and reactions.  Numbers even.  We get an attitude that separates us.  We begin to look for more of this knowledge and later, we say to ourselves... 'I've dug too deep.'

This is how I feel.  This 'knowledge' doesn't make you smarter.  It makes us ask more questions, question known truths, and it takes away the safety we once had in... not ignorance, but the ability to not think everything to death.  It's like being overwhelmed and attacked.  Being too fast to stop or too strong to hold your loved one.

Every day, I am narrating as usual, but I have to not narrate at certain times.  These are times which I believe may hold risk in relating my tulpa to something negative, such as daymares.

1) Have a negative experience.
2) Think of your tulpa.

The above should not be the order of operations.  In the future, this could develop into

1) Think of your tulpa.
2) Think of a negative experience.

The only thing preventing every person in the world thinking like this is mental suppression.  We censor our thoughts for our own safety.  Our brains want to be sane, so they limit themselves.  Slow down the traffic.  Brains ask for permission as much as possible.

In the daily narration grind, I can feel the war waging inside of my head.  It's the same feeling we get as ignorant and blissful children when we realize we don't know what is going on in our parents' lives, the bills they have to pay, the work they have to do and that this very thought is a maturing thought into a darker world, but we brush off the thought in order to stay in happiness.  Maybe it can be described as the rejection of curiosity.

When dealing with mind experiments, I just think to myself that perhaps I've dug too deep.  I am mentally-calloused from my past so much that I frequently yearn to be without the curiosity and appreciation of knowledge I have.  This said, I would still continue with the tulpa project.

Progress:  Narration of personality.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/100.html

98

Friday, June 29, 2012, 11:59PM

The anticipation is excruciating.  Hopefully for me more than you.  It's like that feeling of digging for treasure in so many wrong spots that you feel like your chances are getting better.  Then again, I've been wrong before.

Progress: Personality narration at its clumsiest.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/99.html

97

Thursday, June 28, 2012, 9:31PM

You won't give up, will you?
...
That's not reassuring.
Who gave you this number?

Progress: I hope. 

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/98.html

96

Wednesday, June 28, 2012, 11:59PM

My sleep schedule is messed up...
Nothing happened today...
It is super casual...
Talking to a ghost...
I apologize for the record number of extremely riveting posts.

Progress: Personality narration prisoner.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/97.html

95

Tuesday, June 26, 2012, 11:38PM

Not much happened today, though I wish I knew nothing much was going to happen for the purpose of savoring it.  As far as the tulpa goes, progress seems to be slow as always.  Conversations (if I can call them that, as they are one-sided) feel strange.  To describe them properly, I would need to do so as it was happening.  What best describes them is the feeling of speaking to a child about important matters and hoping for some intelligent response... or any response.  Yes-- any response would be fine.

Any?

Progress:  Personality narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/96.html

94

Monday, June 25, 2012, 11:42PM

Still narrating...
Me:"It's a nice day to talk to you."
(insert one-sided conversation here)
(insert me being distracted with something here)
repeat three to four times each day

plus: three to four random sentences

equals:
_____________________________________
narration

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/95.html

93

Sunday, June 24, 2012, 11:50PM

This post has nothing to do with tulpae.

 [link]

Stick with it.  What you are feeling right now is chemical/emotional.  You don't want to quit.
Yeah.  Everyone's cheering you on.
You are getting better.  Keep practicing.

Just like musical instruments.
Don't let anything get you down.  Keep your head up high.
We are all as true to ourselves as actors.

 http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/94.html

92

Saturday, June 23, 2012, 6:51PM

Still reliving the crash.

Still narrating.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/93.html

91

Friday, June 22, 2012, 10:36PM

Not much has changed.  Nothing drastic.

Progress:  Personality narration.


http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/92.html

90

Thursday, June 21, 2012, 10:46PM

I've gotten to the state that narration is automatic, natural, smooth.  Like everything else, I've passed it onto automatic processes.  I don't know if this is good or bad.  Another day, another fear, right?  It feels good.

I'm smiling, I'm laughing, I shouldn't be.

Progress: Visual foundation established.  Narrating personality.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/91.html

89

Wednesday, June 20, 2012, 10:22PM

I believe that the ability to connect with a tulpa greatly depends on our mental/emotional state of mind.  This is only based off of my experiences, but I think it makes sense.  I have had trouble connecting lately, but today, I seem to be doing well.

Strangely, I haven't slept in a while, but that couldn't possibly...
Perhaps happiness is so powerful that it nullifies all other negative variables?

Progress: Personality narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/90.html

88

Tuesday, June 19, 2012, 11:29PM

Personality narration is going well. I got to have some super-goofy conversations, but I can't seem to get in the zone when I try to go for a deep session (sitting down and only focusing on narrating).

Progress: Still narrating my pre-tulpa's personality and conscienceness into being.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/88.html

87

Monday, June 18, 2012, 11:31PM

No strange posts this time! Narration is feeling more successful, but I'd like to try to speed things up. Or should I? Maybe I should stay slow and steady? Who knows?

Progress: Narration stage, little progress.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/88.html

86

Sunday, June 17, 2012, 5:44PM

Right now (and the past few hours), it's just me and my pre-tulpa out on the patio listening to Helios.
And birds chirping. And kids screaming. And a weedwacker blowing its nose.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/87.html

85

Saturday, June 16, 2012, 11:25PM

This post is mostly not about tulpae.  I know little about the topic, really.  Thank you.

I usually try to make posts as optimistic as possible.  I try a lot of things-- you notice?  I like to make my words interesting.  I like to be so descriptive and truthful that you can't help but know me more than anyone else, yet I leave so much out.

I have all of these thoughts.  I think all the time.  I think so deeply about everything.  Nothing is unimportant when it comes to thinking.  Where am I going with this?

Indescribable.  On the verge.  Supposed.  Those are the phrases that come to mind.  I have this feeling like humans we are supposed to do something besides reproduce or pass on knowledge to the next human in line.  Maybe I'm getting close to something I'm supposed to do.  Here's what it comes down to-- I can think as hard as I want, but I can never think about the right things.  It doesn't matter how deep I dig a well if there's no water under it.

I have this feeling that there is no secret.  Maybe this is all some sick joke.  Maybe in life, there is a rule, 'the harder you try, the harder it gets.'  I have always been seeking that understanding.  That algorithm.  It's like everything's a puzzle.  Maybe there are no rules after all.  Now that's sick-- or is it beautiful?

I've come to the conclusion that life is easy if you let it be.  Maybe it goes along the lines that if 'ignorance is bliss', then you can't see that all odds are against you.

I had an epiphany, but I keep contradicting myself.  Distracting myself.  Found it.

In order to rise above obstacles, we must transcend them.  We must phase off everything.  Forget plans. Forget people.  Forget indulging.  Forgetting is so difficult though!  We need to remember.  We are tied to this need.  You know what we need?  That question cannot be answered.

Wake up. How long did you sleep?  How long were you in the shower?  How long were you eating?  How long were you exercising from guilt of eating?  What slows you down?  What distracts you?  Who wants to spend time with you?  Your schedule is full.  You have successfully done what was easy.  You have successfully managed to create short-term pleasure at the cost of long-term happiness.  You have successfully lost.

Learn how to say no.

My friend casually told me that life was a dream.  It really gets me.

I don't want to lose myself.  That's what I tell myself at first, but maybe that's what I need.  Maybe that's what's been happening all this time.  Am I a hotel for souls?  Each leaving with the memories of time spent?

Progress:  Narrating until I hear.  Trying not to make any huge mistakes.  Playing it cool.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/86.html

84

Friday, June 15, 2012, 11:53PM

I'm cutting it close in time, but not much happened today in terms of 'something noteworthy to say'.

Progress: Narration. Personality cannot be measured as long as tulpa is silent, so it is hard to tell how I am progressing.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/85.html

83

Wednesday, June 14, 2012, 7:54PM

Sleep at 8PM for me.  My head is useless right now.  Today was busy, but I managed to fit a good amount of narration in.  If head-emptiness is a sign of hard work, then I worked hard.

Progress: Narration.  No response.

82

Wednesday, June 13, 2012PM, 10:00PM

Hello and welcome to get-to-know-me.
Without further ado, this is how I am able to tie my own memory-trigger to areas of various importance.
As I mentioned earlier, the traits of my tulpa are as follows:
Peace
Kindness
Thankfulness
Intelligence
These traits were set in place to minimize the risk of hostile takeover.  As you can see, anyone with these traits is bound to be a great person.
Note the syllables.
1 Peace
2 Kindness
3 Thankfulness
4 Intelligence
I know myself, therefore I know the first thing I would think of in creating a tulpa's personality would be my own mental safety.  What I have to work with is a huge list of adjectives, right?  I want to narrow it down.
A long time ago, there was a creepy-pasta-esque quiz that got sent to me in my email or I that someone had me take.  Either way, the way it works is, it asks you few math questions and what-have-you in order to fatigue your brain before the final question: "Name a color and a tool."  Most mentally-exhausted people choose the two simplest answers.  "Red shovel."  The bottom line is, "You picked red shovel, didn't you?" Or something of the sort.
Take this for example:  what is 'mother' in another language?  Chances are, it starts with an 'm' and sounds a lot like every other word.  For obvious reason, this is the most simple sound of a baby to make.
This two examples are about simplicity to the average human mind.  What is the first personality adjective you think of?  For me, it is the word 'nice'.  I usually connect that word to a similar word (like a game of telephone) until I hit one of the four words.  Another way I remember what these traits are is visualizing my tulpa and seeing how peaceful it looks.  Peace is the primary focus of today.


Progress:  Personality narration.  Pre-tulpa still has not responded.


http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/83.html

81

Tuesday, June 12, 2012, 10:12PM

I recently realized that the reason we aren't supposed to bring our tulpae out into our vision.  If we bring them out, by definition, we are the ones controlling them.

What?  I didn't get the memo.

It is now time for a night bike ride.

Progress:  Personality narration.  Pre-tulpa has not spoken yet.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/82.html

80

Monday, June 11, 2012, 10:06PM

Narration is spread out in a few serious, one-sided conversations each day.  The plan is to do a power session tonight.  Like I said a while ago, I need to work harder.

I haven't mentioned it because I thought it would be temporary, so I'll mention now that the daymares are getting worse.
Usually, daymares attack me before I sleep, when I am alone, or when I am mentally exhausted, but I've been fighting them off all day.  Usually, they only electrocute me, but there are other effects.  I've had a record amount today, I think.  I feel vulnerable.
You know that feeling of being afraid of heights?  It feels like I am standing on the edge of a cliff right now.  A somewhat ghostly presence.  It is fear so thick that it feels physical.  Toxic.  I have the feeling that someone wants to kill me.  The feeling of separation.  I find that my eyes are wide open and I have to force myself to relax.  I know that it is like poison in my blood and I can't get rid of it slowly.

Edit:
Normal daymare effects:
1) Initial surprise attack
2) Increased heartbeat
3) Irregular breathing
4) Chest pain
5) Sore feeling in heart
6) Fear of the next daymare

Edit:
I believe a series of psychological experiments were performed by electrocuting mice.  One group of mice was electrocuted at regular, predictable intervals.  The control group of mice were electrocuted an equal number of times as the first group, but their electric shocks were randomized.  The first group's stress levels were much smaller than the second group's, who developed ulcers and other adverse effects from extreme stress.  I also believe the first group outlived the second.
In The Dark Knight (movie), the joker says these lines:
"Nobody panics when things go according to plan..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRG1tWQN6e8

Time might be running out, as far as lasting psychological damage goes, so I plan to get my pre-tulpa's personality pumped out before the month is over.  I should feel pressured, but I consider this to be a high priority.

Progress:  Personality narration.  Pre-tulpa has not spoken.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/81.html

79

Sunday, June 10, 2012, 9:58PM

Tulpa talks last the whole day just to keep a presence, but I think there is something to be said for those high-concentration sessions.

Progress:  Personality narration.  No response yet.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/80.html

78

Saturday, June 9, 2012, 11:37PM

I was out riding my bike when I remembered that I had a blog to keep up.

It's not much, but I could mention what I talk to my tulpa about:
1)  Consulting daily decisions
"Should I pour the cereal or the milk first?"  Cereal.  Duh.
2)  Narrating daily decisions and observations
"Observe the human in its natural habitat."  I seriously don't narrate safari style.
3)  Deep thoughts
"What is the meaning of life?"  I dunno.  "When you (the tulpa) are here..."

Progress:  Narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/79.html

77

Friday, June 8, 2012, 11:07PM

I narrated while driving.  Driving is a relatively automatic process for me.  Last night, I narrated before I slept.
Does it count double if I use a narrator's voice?  Anyway, due to fostering friends at my house, being a mummy since my accident, and needing to make money... the narrating is about to become a lot less vocal.

Progress:  Part of narration is finding out how to narrate, which is what I am doing.  I can still roll my eyes back and visualize the general form of my tulpa, so that's good.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/78.html

76

Thursday, June 7, 2012, 9:57PM

Eurekepiphany.
I have found a way to communicate with my tulpa!  When I want to convey my thoughts, I usually type them.  A moment ago, I found myself addressing my tulpa on the page.

Progress:  Narration is becoming more personalized.

 http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/77.html

75

Wednesday, April 6, 2012, 11:41PM

Narration is slower than I expected-- I'm not really the talkative type.

Progress:  I am new to the personality-development stage and I am using narration to develop it.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/76.html

74

Tuesday, June 5, 2012, 11:33PM

Thinking is difficult.  Morality is difficult.  Keep in mind that this is being written by someone who is very sleepy, who is always curious, and who is wrong a lot.

Deep thoughts are probably a side-effect of narration.  Usually, philosophy does not interest me this much.  Life questions that can never be answered.  Asked aloud to someone invisible.  People giving me stares.
Then again, I regret not narrating louder, losing focus, and forgetting about my tulpa.

Dance like you don't care who's watching. Comes to mind.

Pride is probably a side effect of confronting a friend.  Usually, I let people treat me with whatever level of respect they think I deserve.  I am easy-going.  They used to call me Switzerland.  Others called me Quiet Toggle.

If life's all about being yourself, I broke that rule.  I wasn't myself and I tore someone up for being himself.

I managed to find a way to put to use the mental resources I have gathered recently.  A previous broken promise, that psychology professor, and another out-of-character confrontation all lead up to this.  I put a friend on the spot a few hours ago.  I revealed what the mind suppresses.  Opening up reality and allowing a choice.  I put my friend in front of a theoretical mirror and let him see himself (if only to quickly turn his head at the sight and choose the path of suppression once more).  I revealed to him his contribution to my mistrust.  I let him see that he promised something to me and then broke that promise.  I showed him what he thought of morality and he didn't like what he saw.  My second confrontation with someone this year-- I think that's a record.  How rude of me, right?  Who do I think I am?  The first confrontation was early in the morning and I practically sleepwalked to it.  In both confrontations, I did not let fear allow me to hide part of the story.

Aren't you going to mention that you would have daymares fed by the regret of not confronting the first person?

Cycles work on their own.  People bred into a culture must fight against it like a whirlpool in order to stay on the outside, or else be swept into the center and become a prisoner to it.  This culture is all about saving face, beating around the bush, and being polite to the point where people never know their flaws.  Being polite to the point where people are too old to lack the emotional callouses they should have.  For this reason, everything is a touchy subject.  People stay quiet.  The cycle continues.  What I just wrote is taboo.  Those who do not break the taboo sweep themselves and others around them toward the center of the whirlpool.  People stay quiet and continue their daily lives as if nothing is wrong.  It is easy to let the mind suppress and forget as soon as it can.

This is one of the many examples of why the easy thing to do is usually the wrong thing.  It is easy to act on instinct.  It is easier to steal something rather than make it.  Having disciplines is too much hard work.  It is easy to ignore one's conscience until it shrinks and is impossible to pay attention to.  The smaller a value is, the harder it is to grow.  It is not easy to try to feel what others feel.

Progress:  I am at the stage in narration in which I am finding all of the ways NOT to narrate.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/75.html