69

Thursday, May 31, 2012, 10:43PM

Less vocal narration today-- more wonderland and visualization.  I had to bail out of wonderland twice-- the first time because my tulpa said something very out of character.  The second time may have involved speaking about something morbid (or am I confusing this with the first bail?).  I was in wonderland for about an hour, give or take ten minutes.  I was careful not to force my tulpa to do anything, but I lightly influenced facial expressions after some thought.  From then, I simply spoke small talk.
In wonderland, I got distracted by a social dilemma: I am sliding down a leaf slide coiled around a giant tree and there were others behind me.  I don't know who all has joined me (probably tree-dwellers, but I didn't get a good look at them), but there are several and they appear to be 10-15 year-old kids.  Eventually, there is a gap in the leaf slide and it is too far to jump over.  There is a single vine in front of me and I could swing safely to the other side, but that would prevent the others from swinging across.  If I left the vine alone and fell down, only one of the tree-dwellers would live on to make the same decision I made.  I did not recognize this as a reason I should abort wonderland because I was deep in thought.

If you didn't already understand this concept from an earlier post, I have a part of my mind that tries to blacken my thoughts.  I do not like the idea of good thoughts turning bad (who would?) and it is therefore out of character for me to think this way.  A theory I have of why I have a black part of my brain is that it is a survival feature.  I would not be having these thoughts if I lived in a utopia.  As I may have mentioned in previous posts, I am a strategist.  I try to consider the outcomes of situations.

What happened in that wonderland session with the leaf slide was (optimistically) my mind preparing me for a similar situation.  Now that I think of it, it could be a form of 'tough love.'
The reason I went into wonderland in the first place was to try out my experimental technique on vivid visualization.  I described it in a recent post.  Anyway, I didn't get to finish the technique because I was woken out early.

Progress:  Visualization is comfortable now.  I think I have caught up to how well everyone else did when they first started out.  Narration sounds much easier than visualization and is so far without problem.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/70.html

46.2

Tuesday, May 8, 2012, 9:35PM

Just got done with my third session today.  This one was less than 20 minutes.  I did a sort of wonderland, though it was more of a representation of real life struggles.  I was digging my tulpa out of a grave, which probably represented me spending less time meditating.  Things tend to get in the way ("Life happens.")  My tulpa was still alive and I was digging away wet dirt with my hands.  My instincts kicked into 'life saver' mode and I really got into the wonderland because all I could think about was what was in front of me (perhaps I should replicate this?).  My tulpa said something to me, but by the time I type this, I will have forgotten.  It was something along the lines of me not having control-- I was on top of my tulpa while digging, so it was counterproductive, so I took control of the wonderland and floated.  When I realized I had control, I stopped digging with my hands and willed the dirt away.  Then my roommate turned the light on.  Also, I feel concentration sickness.  I might have just meditated and described this in full detail just to procrastinate on studying inverse matrices and chemistry.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/05/47.html

32

Tuesday, April 24, 2012, 10:46PM

I decided not to rely too heavily on images for my last session.  The session involved me trying my hardest to picture my tulpa, switching to something easier (a white circle), staring at the red light on the ceiling, thinking that it was Wednesday and panicking, and then deciding to try out a wonderland.
Wonderland...
I have had this notion in the back of my head that if teleportation existed, then people teleporting would throw up after they reached their destination.  Other theories aside, I threw my guts up, fell in it, and stumbled around a bit.  I cannot remember if I tried to spin around before or after I landed in the wonderland.  If I started spinning before, then it was to orient myself and prove that I had control.  Spinning in place is a technique for stabilizing a dream, so I figured it would help anchor me to a meditation fantasy world.
I started to talk to the blur of line and color that is my tulpa, which consisted of a pep talk about focus.  I did not feel like I have progressed, except I noticed visualization in the beginning was better.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/33.html

29

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I spent my hour of dedication today without music.  I did however, try out the wonderland.  It wasn't really perfect, but there was a lot about it I enjoyed.  I kind of let loose and did not hold anything back or try to change much, so it turned out beautiful in the night sky and the glowing fruit from the trees were like Christmas, but much less tacky.  I came in to my wonderland alone to search for my tulpa.  I met a character, an older woman with blue hair, who would always pull me back into my meditative state when I would start to fall out.  I enjoyed walking on walls, which symbolized that I had control over the world. 
Behind a stone wall of a castle-like structure was my tulpa.  I tried to destroy the wall in a jagged fashion, but my tulpa reprimanded me.  I tried again by turning the wall into a door, but I was told to try again.  I tried a curtain.  Nope-- I think my tulpa (me) knew it would start strangling things. 
While this is happening, I am trying my hardest to stay attached to the world and whenever I fall out, the blue-haired girl takes out an orb and it shines like a lamp.  I am compelled to concentrate on it and feel its energy-- shouting louder and concentrating, it glowed brighter and I felt myself become more stable in the meditation. 
An arch was my final creation and it worked, but just like a dream, I was having trouble seeing my tulpa's face.  We walked on a few walls while I changed 'up' to 'left'.  I know that was not my tulpa, but myself whenever it spoke (or did anything for that matter).

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/30.html