Monday, October 29, 2012, 9:53PM
One day, I will or won't have a tulpa and look back and think,
Why did I hang on?
I've been saying it all semester. One day, I'll have time and energy to do the things I want to do. Until then, I am strapped to the metal table with a light in my face and a funnel in my mouth.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/11/159.html
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
157
Monday, October 22, 2012, 1:45AM
Usually, I type a few paragraphs only to stuff it in a more personal journal and then replace the text wall with something that represents my mindset after I am mentally exhausted:
Giving up: I apologize to whomever spent any time with this endeavor. I can't let go of this, but it's dead.
Defiant: But I can't let my poor luck win. What would my tulpa say?
There are so many distractions, obligations, mental obstacles, needs to keep up with...
(Warning: Abstract)
Talking to my non-existant tulpa each day feels like it is the second time. I know that I have talked before, which is why I don't say first time. I cannot talk about my day because the knowledge I have of my day is like the knowledge I have of typing the previous sentence; I can describe how the letters got on the page due to logical cause and effect, but each letter is so insignificant in attachment and meaning to me that I cannot 'relive' it or derive any enjoyment from speaking of it.
My weekend flew by, despite talking about 'surviving the week until Friday'. I don't know what I did yesterday, therefore (by some definitions) it did not exist. However, the nauseous feeling of obligations still bubbles in my stomach from the week. The combination adds to this illusion. On the outside, life looks good. In reality, it is a nightmare. It is a nightmare to be tormented in this way because there seems to be nothing wrong to others.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/10/158.html
Usually, I type a few paragraphs only to stuff it in a more personal journal and then replace the text wall with something that represents my mindset after I am mentally exhausted:
Giving up: I apologize to whomever spent any time with this endeavor. I can't let go of this, but it's dead.
Defiant: But I can't let my poor luck win. What would my tulpa say?
There are so many distractions, obligations, mental obstacles, needs to keep up with...
(Warning: Abstract)
Talking to my non-existant tulpa each day feels like it is the second time. I know that I have talked before, which is why I don't say first time. I cannot talk about my day because the knowledge I have of my day is like the knowledge I have of typing the previous sentence; I can describe how the letters got on the page due to logical cause and effect, but each letter is so insignificant in attachment and meaning to me that I cannot 'relive' it or derive any enjoyment from speaking of it.
My weekend flew by, despite talking about 'surviving the week until Friday'. I don't know what I did yesterday, therefore (by some definitions) it did not exist. However, the nauseous feeling of obligations still bubbles in my stomach from the week. The combination adds to this illusion. On the outside, life looks good. In reality, it is a nightmare. It is a nightmare to be tormented in this way because there seems to be nothing wrong to others.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/10/158.html
Monday, October 15, 2012
156
Monday, October 15, 2012, 8:25PM
I'm not comfortable where I am at right now. That's good. I don't want to be comforted. I wouldn't do anything differently if I was comfortable. I want change.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/10/157.html
I'm not comfortable where I am at right now. That's good. I don't want to be comforted. I wouldn't do anything differently if I was comfortable. I want change.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/10/157.html
Saturday, October 6, 2012
155
Saturday, October 6, 2012, 3:28PM
Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to interpret myself in order to be better at problem-solving.
In other news, some day last week, I went to a college play. The next day, after complementing that friend on a job well done, I realized that it was a different person. After smooth-talking my way out of that one (something about telling her that I thought she designed the costumes... while acting very tired and, therefore, forgivable) I realized that I really could not recognize people-- people I have known for years-- very well. One and a half hours ago, I greeted someone at the theater entrance again for a Broadway dance show who turned out to be someone I knew last year and whose name I cannot seem to remember. I thought this person I greeted was one of my roommates.
In other news, the tulpa project is not going well due to poor time management on my part.
Progress: none
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/10/156.html
Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to interpret myself in order to be better at problem-solving.
In other news, some day last week, I went to a college play. The next day, after complementing that friend on a job well done, I realized that it was a different person. After smooth-talking my way out of that one (something about telling her that I thought she designed the costumes... while acting very tired and, therefore, forgivable) I realized that I really could not recognize people-- people I have known for years-- very well. One and a half hours ago, I greeted someone at the theater entrance again for a Broadway dance show who turned out to be someone I knew last year and whose name I cannot seem to remember. I thought this person I greeted was one of my roommates.
In other news, the tulpa project is not going well due to poor time management on my part.
Progress: none
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/10/156.html
Saturday, September 29, 2012
154
Sunday, September 30, 2012 2:37AM
I do not have an excuse to quit, as there are other things in my life I can sacrifice to spend at least an hour each day meditating.
Edit: Wow. The truth hurts.
Progress: None.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/10/155_6.html
I do not have an excuse to quit, as there are other things in my life I can sacrifice to spend at least an hour each day meditating.
Edit: Wow. The truth hurts.
Progress: None.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/10/155_6.html
Sunday, September 23, 2012
153
Sunday, September 23, 2012, 10:12PM
Disclaimer: If you haven't given up on me by now, I appreciate the gesture, but whatever the reason is for you staying, remember that I'm a bad investment. You wouldn't read something if you knew it would... you know what? I can't convince you. Convince yourself. Find a reason to stop reading these posts.
Some things should never be read. They will make you think what cannot be unthought.
I know a lot of what I say doesn't make sense to you right now, reader, but I usually have a reason. If I don't have a reason, at least I'm representing the truthful form of my mental composition at the time.
anyway...
I spoke to a friend this evening about sanity. What was said really changed my outlook on this tragic, beautiful situation. The conversation was long, so here's the conversation in a nutshell*:
There are three categories of insanity:
1: When someone loses their lifeline-- a lifeline being religion, a loved one, a way of life, or something else that is so important to that person that if it was gone, that person wouldn't know what to do or how to handle his/her world changing so drastically.
2: When someone is abused, such as being sleep deprived or subjected to horrors. Biological illnesses qualify, I think.
3: When someone thinks differently and is labeled that way.
This really hit home. I hope you get something out of this too, reader, but there was more. It was mentioned that people avoid thinking too hard about things because they don't want to fall into category #1 if they have a breakthrough. This is why people don't think deeply. This has to do with depression and loneliness, I believe, but I don't want to get sidetracked.
People in category #1 have lost love, money, prestige, and other valuables that can be molded like clay by others. These are the same people who gain murderous hatred, greed, and have their vision skewed by lust. People who can no longer control themselves. Untrained in the right automatic/instinctual processes and trained in the wrong ones.
Everything's connected.
*I speak this way because I sometimes record conversations if I think them to be important, the last one being the would-be conversation with a professor of psychology.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/154.html
Disclaimer: If you haven't given up on me by now, I appreciate the gesture, but whatever the reason is for you staying, remember that I'm a bad investment. You wouldn't read something if you knew it would... you know what? I can't convince you. Convince yourself. Find a reason to stop reading these posts.
Some things should never be read. They will make you think what cannot be unthought.
I know a lot of what I say doesn't make sense to you right now, reader, but I usually have a reason. If I don't have a reason, at least I'm representing the truthful form of my mental composition at the time.
anyway...
I spoke to a friend this evening about sanity. What was said really changed my outlook on this tragic, beautiful situation. The conversation was long, so here's the conversation in a nutshell*:
There are three categories of insanity:
1: When someone loses their lifeline-- a lifeline being religion, a loved one, a way of life, or something else that is so important to that person that if it was gone, that person wouldn't know what to do or how to handle his/her world changing so drastically.
2: When someone is abused, such as being sleep deprived or subjected to horrors. Biological illnesses qualify, I think.
3: When someone thinks differently and is labeled that way.
This really hit home. I hope you get something out of this too, reader, but there was more. It was mentioned that people avoid thinking too hard about things because they don't want to fall into category #1 if they have a breakthrough. This is why people don't think deeply. This has to do with depression and loneliness, I believe, but I don't want to get sidetracked.
People in category #1 have lost love, money, prestige, and other valuables that can be molded like clay by others. These are the same people who gain murderous hatred, greed, and have their vision skewed by lust. People who can no longer control themselves. Untrained in the right automatic/instinctual processes and trained in the wrong ones.
Everything's connected.
*I speak this way because I sometimes record conversations if I think them to be important, the last one being the would-be conversation with a professor of psychology.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/154.html
Monday, September 17, 2012
152
Monday, September 17, 2012, 4:28PM
Well, I haven't journaled for at least a week due to a combination of what life throws at me. I'm still talking to my pre-tulpa whenever possible, such as near-empty restaurants, when I'm alone in my room, or walking from class to class. I didn't want to do this, but I'm all about trust: I will try to only keep weekly updates from now on instead of being random. College takes up way too much time as it is, but I also have a lot to do these days. Also, if I set a goal for myself, then I'll remember easier.
I feel like I should make up for all the previously missed posts by making this post larger than a paragraph, but I don't have much to say. I'm frustrated because of my failures-- from not being able to create a tulpa before college started. Daymares are getting worse, but you probably already know that. I'm getting them in public more than I used to. I can cough a short time afterward or shake my hand as if I hurt it, but screaming aloud, transitioning from a daymare into reality while I am in an conversation, or muttering "get out of me" can't really be covered up.
I had a nightmare last night for a change: I was slipping on ice into a dark pit. I hate the cold. I'm tired all the time. My personality has changed for the worse-- I finally broke and I don't care about politeness anymore, which I am constantly fighting to fix. I am not doing as well as I want to in school (I am a perfectionist, so take this with a grain of salt). I know that college is not the right environment for tulpa-creation, but with these added variables, I don't see a tulpa being made any time soon. If I were my tulpa, I'd wait until I was thankful again.
Thankful: I'm thankful that I'm an interesting person... in a psychological perspective.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/153.html
Well, I haven't journaled for at least a week due to a combination of what life throws at me. I'm still talking to my pre-tulpa whenever possible, such as near-empty restaurants, when I'm alone in my room, or walking from class to class. I didn't want to do this, but I'm all about trust: I will try to only keep weekly updates from now on instead of being random. College takes up way too much time as it is, but I also have a lot to do these days. Also, if I set a goal for myself, then I'll remember easier.
I feel like I should make up for all the previously missed posts by making this post larger than a paragraph, but I don't have much to say. I'm frustrated because of my failures-- from not being able to create a tulpa before college started. Daymares are getting worse, but you probably already know that. I'm getting them in public more than I used to. I can cough a short time afterward or shake my hand as if I hurt it, but screaming aloud, transitioning from a daymare into reality while I am in an conversation, or muttering "get out of me" can't really be covered up.
I had a nightmare last night for a change: I was slipping on ice into a dark pit. I hate the cold. I'm tired all the time. My personality has changed for the worse-- I finally broke and I don't care about politeness anymore, which I am constantly fighting to fix. I am not doing as well as I want to in school (I am a perfectionist, so take this with a grain of salt). I know that college is not the right environment for tulpa-creation, but with these added variables, I don't see a tulpa being made any time soon. If I were my tulpa, I'd wait until I was thankful again.
Thankful: I'm thankful that I'm an interesting person... in a psychological perspective.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/153.html
Sunday, September 9, 2012
151
September 9, 2012, 9:17PM
No more communication, so take what you want from it. Perhaps one needs to be able to think simply to do this.
Anger. I've been so angry lately. This isn't me, is it? I can't control it. I blame chemical processes in my brain combined with frustrations of intellectual immobility.
If I were a tulpa, I'd stay dormant from me no matter how many apologies I heard.
I don't know what makes me say this, but life has taught me that progress is so fragile. Making a single mistake can remove so much progress. This is unforgiving, but this is my style. I don't know if I've said this, but I'm not used to getting what I want.
Progress: Nothing.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/152.html
No more communication, so take what you want from it. Perhaps one needs to be able to think simply to do this.
Anger. I've been so angry lately. This isn't me, is it? I can't control it. I blame chemical processes in my brain combined with frustrations of intellectual immobility.
If I were a tulpa, I'd stay dormant from me no matter how many apologies I heard.
I don't know what makes me say this, but life has taught me that progress is so fragile. Making a single mistake can remove so much progress. This is unforgiving, but this is my style. I don't know if I've said this, but I'm not used to getting what I want.
Progress: Nothing.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/152.html
Thursday, September 6, 2012
150
Thursday, September 6, 2012, 11:12PM
Still here, but going to tulpaforce due to unusual occurrence of free time.
Progress: Very promising signs of progress in communication.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/151.html
Still here, but going to tulpaforce due to unusual occurrence of free time.
Progress: Very promising signs of progress in communication.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/151.html
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
149
Wednesday, September 5, 2012, 1:04AM
It may have been mentioned that this writer enjoy the sensation of chills running down my spine, or ASMR, as it is officially called. Upon speaking to my tulpa, I tried to notice all sensations and ended up feeling rushes of ASMR. I hope this is my tulpa's method of communication. Got one again. I'll take that as a yes.
Also, if you want ASMR, it is often in the last sentence of short stories that are meant to elicit an emotional reaction. I plan on implementing the same strategy one day when I tell you a big secret that will blow your mind. If you're me and you're looking back at this journal, you will be impressed with your storytelling prowess.
If you want to feel ASMR, you have a good chance of feeling it when you have someone important to you whisper in your ear. It's the feeling that you know you are alive (or another person is alive). I have extreme empathy, so I guess this enhanced as well.
I told myself that I would stop being so skeptical. I told myself that I would start to actually take risks. I hope this helps anyone else who has been blind and stuck for months on end.
(Shivers rush down my back)
You remembered...
Of course
A long time ago, I think I told my tulpa (I'm fairly certain) that I enjoy the feeling.
Progress: ASMR communication? ASMR communication.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/150_6.html
It may have been mentioned that this writer enjoy the sensation of chills running down my spine, or ASMR, as it is officially called. Upon speaking to my tulpa, I tried to notice all sensations and ended up feeling rushes of ASMR. I hope this is my tulpa's method of communication. Got one again. I'll take that as a yes.
Also, if you want ASMR, it is often in the last sentence of short stories that are meant to elicit an emotional reaction. I plan on implementing the same strategy one day when I tell you a big secret that will blow your mind. If you're me and you're looking back at this journal, you will be impressed with your storytelling prowess.
If you want to feel ASMR, you have a good chance of feeling it when you have someone important to you whisper in your ear. It's the feeling that you know you are alive (or another person is alive). I have extreme empathy, so I guess this enhanced as well.
I told myself that I would stop being so skeptical. I told myself that I would start to actually take risks. I hope this helps anyone else who has been blind and stuck for months on end.
(Shivers rush down my back)
You remembered...
Of course
A long time ago, I think I told my tulpa (I'm fairly certain) that I enjoy the feeling.
Progress: ASMR communication? ASMR communication.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/09/150_6.html
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