145

Tuesday, August 28, 2012, 12:20PM It's amazing how discouraging it can be to have a record shattered and slightly difficult to remember this blog with college starting again. I will be busy until I can settle into the new pace, but I won't quit even though it seems more impossible these days, which is what I want to spill my guts about right now. I feel much more sane, but every time I talk to my tulpa, it feels like talking to myself (or no one). I lack motivation. I lack the hope I had when I first started. The magic is gone and now this feels like just another tiny areas of my life or like it is without goals. It's the same feeling of being unappreciated or paid attention to and I'm still doing it like a fool. I know attention isn't bad, but I don't want to be like everyone else and need attention. I know the world wouldn't be a better place if everyone thought like me, but I am going to stick stubbornly to these ridiculous beliefs until I determine the time of 'for now' is over. Attention. It makes me sick. Your memories make you who you are. Without memories, you are no one. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I thirst for attention so much that I reject it. Maybe I reject attention because I thirst so much for it. Maybe I wanted a tulpa to cure my thirst for attention. Maybe I wanted a tulpa for its attention. I sicken myself. Maybe having attention paid... time spent... something more given? Maybe that allows us to remember. Maybe that's why I can't remember in the first place.

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