146

Thursday, August 30, 2012, 7:44PM

 Hello future me (or whoever I become if I make it that far) as well as the followers of this log, and welcome to Wintrovert, the blog where I record my efforts in creating tulpa. As you may know, college is here again, so I've missed the most opportune time to make a tulpa. Over the summer, I've tried a variety of methods and devoted a lot of time and energy to the tulpa project. If I were a statistically-normal person, I would have created a tulpa by now. If you know me, you know that I am not normal at all, considering that I have a variety of oddities that fuel and thrive off one another in a synergistic manner:
Solitude feeds off of memory functionality.
Heightened senses feed off empathy.
Empathy feeds off memory reminders.
Lack of memory fuels solitude.
 I didn't notice how the frequency of daymares increased. I write here to summarize, yes, but to also gain some sanity. I thought I was tough-- I live in a nightmare, you know? I am losing my mind. Daymares are relentless:
6:51pm too personal
6:57pm Daymare a)
7:05pm Daymare b)
7:12pm Daymare c)
7:14pm too personal
7:31pm Daymare d)
7:32pm Daymare d)
7:33pm Daymare d)

Daymare a) Because I have terrible memory, it is hard to tell whether or not someone is talking to me because s/he is friendly or is actually someone I spend time with on a weekly basis. I rely on context clues, leading the conversation to reveal a memory trigger, or stalling. Because of this, I can read facial expressions fairly well. I dress up like a normal person when I am not going 'out' and usually don't feel like dressing like myself (eccentric and not this person's style). The actual moment occurred six months to a year ago. The look on this person's face broke my heart. We had crushes on each other, but only I knew that we were not right for each other. When I revealed my true self to her, she looked terrified of me. I was a monster for that moment. I was a threat for that moment. In this person's mind's legislative system, I had lied or worse-- baited to take advantage. When this happens, people don't trust as much. It's a scar you carry forever. This daymare was not visually destructive and relatively low in head pain.
Daymare b) Recently, I spoke aloud in class and possibly sounded unintelligent. I was just reliving this moment. Medium amount of head pain.
 Daymare c) Speaker was at the climax of good speech, but became unable to speak properly. This was in a professional setting and the reactions that ensued were hard to watch.
 Daymare d) Spoke to a roommate about visiting a sick friend. This sick friend is someone who I did not visit in the hospital in a time of need. I anticipated this daymare five to ten minutes in advance, holding it off for that long. The mental warfare was straining and I eventually had to let my guard down. When I let my guard down, I felt tears welling up in my eyes and was bombarded three or so times with the memory for about three minutes. (I often refuse to cry, no matter what is thrown at me as a point of defiance. My culture is that holding back a downpour of tears allows me to feel the reality of the situation and is more depressing than crying.) As I said, I am losing my mind. I feel distant and numb, so I'm going to go running.

Tulpa progress: No communication from tulpa. EDIT: maybe

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