99

Saturday, June 30, 2012, 11:21PM

Pardon my rambling:

There is this mental tightrope I have to walk across.  It is one of those 'fine line' kind of things.  We usually go about our daily lives unaware of various psychological laws acting on us.  These are unspoken laws.  I believe we suppress them for good reasons.  If we talk about them, point them out, or experiment with them, we play with fire.  If we find some 'secret truth' that explains our minds and human-human interaction, we never look at the world the same way.  We begin to see people as scripts, actions, and reactions.  Numbers even.  We get an attitude that separates us.  We begin to look for more of this knowledge and later, we say to ourselves... 'I've dug too deep.'

This is how I feel.  This 'knowledge' doesn't make you smarter.  It makes us ask more questions, question known truths, and it takes away the safety we once had in... not ignorance, but the ability to not think everything to death.  It's like being overwhelmed and attacked.  Being too fast to stop or too strong to hold your loved one.

Every day, I am narrating as usual, but I have to not narrate at certain times.  These are times which I believe may hold risk in relating my tulpa to something negative, such as daymares.

1) Have a negative experience.
2) Think of your tulpa.

The above should not be the order of operations.  In the future, this could develop into

1) Think of your tulpa.
2) Think of a negative experience.

The only thing preventing every person in the world thinking like this is mental suppression.  We censor our thoughts for our own safety.  Our brains want to be sane, so they limit themselves.  Slow down the traffic.  Brains ask for permission as much as possible.

In the daily narration grind, I can feel the war waging inside of my head.  It's the same feeling we get as ignorant and blissful children when we realize we don't know what is going on in our parents' lives, the bills they have to pay, the work they have to do and that this very thought is a maturing thought into a darker world, but we brush off the thought in order to stay in happiness.  Maybe it can be described as the rejection of curiosity.

When dealing with mind experiments, I just think to myself that perhaps I've dug too deep.  I am mentally-calloused from my past so much that I frequently yearn to be without the curiosity and appreciation of knowledge I have.  This said, I would still continue with the tulpa project.

Progress:  Narration of personality.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/07/100.html

98

Friday, June 29, 2012, 11:59PM

The anticipation is excruciating.  Hopefully for me more than you.  It's like that feeling of digging for treasure in so many wrong spots that you feel like your chances are getting better.  Then again, I've been wrong before.

Progress: Personality narration at its clumsiest.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/99.html

97

Thursday, June 28, 2012, 9:31PM

You won't give up, will you?
...
That's not reassuring.
Who gave you this number?

Progress: I hope. 

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/98.html

96

Wednesday, June 28, 2012, 11:59PM

My sleep schedule is messed up...
Nothing happened today...
It is super casual...
Talking to a ghost...
I apologize for the record number of extremely riveting posts.

Progress: Personality narration prisoner.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/97.html

95

Tuesday, June 26, 2012, 11:38PM

Not much happened today, though I wish I knew nothing much was going to happen for the purpose of savoring it.  As far as the tulpa goes, progress seems to be slow as always.  Conversations (if I can call them that, as they are one-sided) feel strange.  To describe them properly, I would need to do so as it was happening.  What best describes them is the feeling of speaking to a child about important matters and hoping for some intelligent response... or any response.  Yes-- any response would be fine.

Any?

Progress:  Personality narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/96.html

94

Monday, June 25, 2012, 11:42PM

Still narrating...
Me:"It's a nice day to talk to you."
(insert one-sided conversation here)
(insert me being distracted with something here)
repeat three to four times each day

plus: three to four random sentences

equals:
_____________________________________
narration

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/95.html

93

Sunday, June 24, 2012, 11:50PM

This post has nothing to do with tulpae.

 [link]

Stick with it.  What you are feeling right now is chemical/emotional.  You don't want to quit.
Yeah.  Everyone's cheering you on.
You are getting better.  Keep practicing.

Just like musical instruments.
Don't let anything get you down.  Keep your head up high.
We are all as true to ourselves as actors.

 http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/94.html

92

Saturday, June 23, 2012, 6:51PM

Still reliving the crash.

Still narrating.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/93.html

91

Friday, June 22, 2012, 10:36PM

Not much has changed.  Nothing drastic.

Progress:  Personality narration.


http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/92.html

90

Thursday, June 21, 2012, 10:46PM

I've gotten to the state that narration is automatic, natural, smooth.  Like everything else, I've passed it onto automatic processes.  I don't know if this is good or bad.  Another day, another fear, right?  It feels good.

I'm smiling, I'm laughing, I shouldn't be.

Progress: Visual foundation established.  Narrating personality.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/91.html

89

Wednesday, June 20, 2012, 10:22PM

I believe that the ability to connect with a tulpa greatly depends on our mental/emotional state of mind.  This is only based off of my experiences, but I think it makes sense.  I have had trouble connecting lately, but today, I seem to be doing well.

Strangely, I haven't slept in a while, but that couldn't possibly...
Perhaps happiness is so powerful that it nullifies all other negative variables?

Progress: Personality narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/90.html

88

Tuesday, June 19, 2012, 11:29PM

Personality narration is going well. I got to have some super-goofy conversations, but I can't seem to get in the zone when I try to go for a deep session (sitting down and only focusing on narrating).

Progress: Still narrating my pre-tulpa's personality and conscienceness into being.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/88.html

87

Monday, June 18, 2012, 11:31PM

No strange posts this time! Narration is feeling more successful, but I'd like to try to speed things up. Or should I? Maybe I should stay slow and steady? Who knows?

Progress: Narration stage, little progress.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/88.html

86

Sunday, June 17, 2012, 5:44PM

Right now (and the past few hours), it's just me and my pre-tulpa out on the patio listening to Helios.
And birds chirping. And kids screaming. And a weedwacker blowing its nose.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/87.html

85

Saturday, June 16, 2012, 11:25PM

This post is mostly not about tulpae.  I know little about the topic, really.  Thank you.

I usually try to make posts as optimistic as possible.  I try a lot of things-- you notice?  I like to make my words interesting.  I like to be so descriptive and truthful that you can't help but know me more than anyone else, yet I leave so much out.

I have all of these thoughts.  I think all the time.  I think so deeply about everything.  Nothing is unimportant when it comes to thinking.  Where am I going with this?

Indescribable.  On the verge.  Supposed.  Those are the phrases that come to mind.  I have this feeling like humans we are supposed to do something besides reproduce or pass on knowledge to the next human in line.  Maybe I'm getting close to something I'm supposed to do.  Here's what it comes down to-- I can think as hard as I want, but I can never think about the right things.  It doesn't matter how deep I dig a well if there's no water under it.

I have this feeling that there is no secret.  Maybe this is all some sick joke.  Maybe in life, there is a rule, 'the harder you try, the harder it gets.'  I have always been seeking that understanding.  That algorithm.  It's like everything's a puzzle.  Maybe there are no rules after all.  Now that's sick-- or is it beautiful?

I've come to the conclusion that life is easy if you let it be.  Maybe it goes along the lines that if 'ignorance is bliss', then you can't see that all odds are against you.

I had an epiphany, but I keep contradicting myself.  Distracting myself.  Found it.

In order to rise above obstacles, we must transcend them.  We must phase off everything.  Forget plans. Forget people.  Forget indulging.  Forgetting is so difficult though!  We need to remember.  We are tied to this need.  You know what we need?  That question cannot be answered.

Wake up. How long did you sleep?  How long were you in the shower?  How long were you eating?  How long were you exercising from guilt of eating?  What slows you down?  What distracts you?  Who wants to spend time with you?  Your schedule is full.  You have successfully done what was easy.  You have successfully managed to create short-term pleasure at the cost of long-term happiness.  You have successfully lost.

Learn how to say no.

My friend casually told me that life was a dream.  It really gets me.

I don't want to lose myself.  That's what I tell myself at first, but maybe that's what I need.  Maybe that's what's been happening all this time.  Am I a hotel for souls?  Each leaving with the memories of time spent?

Progress:  Narrating until I hear.  Trying not to make any huge mistakes.  Playing it cool.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/86.html

84

Friday, June 15, 2012, 11:53PM

I'm cutting it close in time, but not much happened today in terms of 'something noteworthy to say'.

Progress: Narration. Personality cannot be measured as long as tulpa is silent, so it is hard to tell how I am progressing.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/85.html

83

Wednesday, June 14, 2012, 7:54PM

Sleep at 8PM for me.  My head is useless right now.  Today was busy, but I managed to fit a good amount of narration in.  If head-emptiness is a sign of hard work, then I worked hard.

Progress: Narration.  No response.

82

Wednesday, June 13, 2012PM, 10:00PM

Hello and welcome to get-to-know-me.
Without further ado, this is how I am able to tie my own memory-trigger to areas of various importance.
As I mentioned earlier, the traits of my tulpa are as follows:
Peace
Kindness
Thankfulness
Intelligence
These traits were set in place to minimize the risk of hostile takeover.  As you can see, anyone with these traits is bound to be a great person.
Note the syllables.
1 Peace
2 Kindness
3 Thankfulness
4 Intelligence
I know myself, therefore I know the first thing I would think of in creating a tulpa's personality would be my own mental safety.  What I have to work with is a huge list of adjectives, right?  I want to narrow it down.
A long time ago, there was a creepy-pasta-esque quiz that got sent to me in my email or I that someone had me take.  Either way, the way it works is, it asks you few math questions and what-have-you in order to fatigue your brain before the final question: "Name a color and a tool."  Most mentally-exhausted people choose the two simplest answers.  "Red shovel."  The bottom line is, "You picked red shovel, didn't you?" Or something of the sort.
Take this for example:  what is 'mother' in another language?  Chances are, it starts with an 'm' and sounds a lot like every other word.  For obvious reason, this is the most simple sound of a baby to make.
This two examples are about simplicity to the average human mind.  What is the first personality adjective you think of?  For me, it is the word 'nice'.  I usually connect that word to a similar word (like a game of telephone) until I hit one of the four words.  Another way I remember what these traits are is visualizing my tulpa and seeing how peaceful it looks.  Peace is the primary focus of today.


Progress:  Personality narration.  Pre-tulpa still has not responded.


http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/83.html

81

Tuesday, June 12, 2012, 10:12PM

I recently realized that the reason we aren't supposed to bring our tulpae out into our vision.  If we bring them out, by definition, we are the ones controlling them.

What?  I didn't get the memo.

It is now time for a night bike ride.

Progress:  Personality narration.  Pre-tulpa has not spoken yet.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/82.html

80

Monday, June 11, 2012, 10:06PM

Narration is spread out in a few serious, one-sided conversations each day.  The plan is to do a power session tonight.  Like I said a while ago, I need to work harder.

I haven't mentioned it because I thought it would be temporary, so I'll mention now that the daymares are getting worse.
Usually, daymares attack me before I sleep, when I am alone, or when I am mentally exhausted, but I've been fighting them off all day.  Usually, they only electrocute me, but there are other effects.  I've had a record amount today, I think.  I feel vulnerable.
You know that feeling of being afraid of heights?  It feels like I am standing on the edge of a cliff right now.  A somewhat ghostly presence.  It is fear so thick that it feels physical.  Toxic.  I have the feeling that someone wants to kill me.  The feeling of separation.  I find that my eyes are wide open and I have to force myself to relax.  I know that it is like poison in my blood and I can't get rid of it slowly.

Edit:
Normal daymare effects:
1) Initial surprise attack
2) Increased heartbeat
3) Irregular breathing
4) Chest pain
5) Sore feeling in heart
6) Fear of the next daymare

Edit:
I believe a series of psychological experiments were performed by electrocuting mice.  One group of mice was electrocuted at regular, predictable intervals.  The control group of mice were electrocuted an equal number of times as the first group, but their electric shocks were randomized.  The first group's stress levels were much smaller than the second group's, who developed ulcers and other adverse effects from extreme stress.  I also believe the first group outlived the second.
In The Dark Knight (movie), the joker says these lines:
"Nobody panics when things go according to plan..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRG1tWQN6e8

Time might be running out, as far as lasting psychological damage goes, so I plan to get my pre-tulpa's personality pumped out before the month is over.  I should feel pressured, but I consider this to be a high priority.

Progress:  Personality narration.  Pre-tulpa has not spoken.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/81.html

79

Sunday, June 10, 2012, 9:58PM

Tulpa talks last the whole day just to keep a presence, but I think there is something to be said for those high-concentration sessions.

Progress:  Personality narration.  No response yet.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/80.html

78

Saturday, June 9, 2012, 11:37PM

I was out riding my bike when I remembered that I had a blog to keep up.

It's not much, but I could mention what I talk to my tulpa about:
1)  Consulting daily decisions
"Should I pour the cereal or the milk first?"  Cereal.  Duh.
2)  Narrating daily decisions and observations
"Observe the human in its natural habitat."  I seriously don't narrate safari style.
3)  Deep thoughts
"What is the meaning of life?"  I dunno.  "When you (the tulpa) are here..."

Progress:  Narration.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/79.html

77

Friday, June 8, 2012, 11:07PM

I narrated while driving.  Driving is a relatively automatic process for me.  Last night, I narrated before I slept.
Does it count double if I use a narrator's voice?  Anyway, due to fostering friends at my house, being a mummy since my accident, and needing to make money... the narrating is about to become a lot less vocal.

Progress:  Part of narration is finding out how to narrate, which is what I am doing.  I can still roll my eyes back and visualize the general form of my tulpa, so that's good.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/78.html

76

Thursday, June 7, 2012, 9:57PM

Eurekepiphany.
I have found a way to communicate with my tulpa!  When I want to convey my thoughts, I usually type them.  A moment ago, I found myself addressing my tulpa on the page.

Progress:  Narration is becoming more personalized.

 http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/77.html

75

Wednesday, April 6, 2012, 11:41PM

Narration is slower than I expected-- I'm not really the talkative type.

Progress:  I am new to the personality-development stage and I am using narration to develop it.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/76.html

74

Tuesday, June 5, 2012, 11:33PM

Thinking is difficult.  Morality is difficult.  Keep in mind that this is being written by someone who is very sleepy, who is always curious, and who is wrong a lot.

Deep thoughts are probably a side-effect of narration.  Usually, philosophy does not interest me this much.  Life questions that can never be answered.  Asked aloud to someone invisible.  People giving me stares.
Then again, I regret not narrating louder, losing focus, and forgetting about my tulpa.

Dance like you don't care who's watching. Comes to mind.

Pride is probably a side effect of confronting a friend.  Usually, I let people treat me with whatever level of respect they think I deserve.  I am easy-going.  They used to call me Switzerland.  Others called me Quiet Toggle.

If life's all about being yourself, I broke that rule.  I wasn't myself and I tore someone up for being himself.

I managed to find a way to put to use the mental resources I have gathered recently.  A previous broken promise, that psychology professor, and another out-of-character confrontation all lead up to this.  I put a friend on the spot a few hours ago.  I revealed what the mind suppresses.  Opening up reality and allowing a choice.  I put my friend in front of a theoretical mirror and let him see himself (if only to quickly turn his head at the sight and choose the path of suppression once more).  I revealed to him his contribution to my mistrust.  I let him see that he promised something to me and then broke that promise.  I showed him what he thought of morality and he didn't like what he saw.  My second confrontation with someone this year-- I think that's a record.  How rude of me, right?  Who do I think I am?  The first confrontation was early in the morning and I practically sleepwalked to it.  In both confrontations, I did not let fear allow me to hide part of the story.

Aren't you going to mention that you would have daymares fed by the regret of not confronting the first person?

Cycles work on their own.  People bred into a culture must fight against it like a whirlpool in order to stay on the outside, or else be swept into the center and become a prisoner to it.  This culture is all about saving face, beating around the bush, and being polite to the point where people never know their flaws.  Being polite to the point where people are too old to lack the emotional callouses they should have.  For this reason, everything is a touchy subject.  People stay quiet.  The cycle continues.  What I just wrote is taboo.  Those who do not break the taboo sweep themselves and others around them toward the center of the whirlpool.  People stay quiet and continue their daily lives as if nothing is wrong.  It is easy to let the mind suppress and forget as soon as it can.

This is one of the many examples of why the easy thing to do is usually the wrong thing.  It is easy to act on instinct.  It is easier to steal something rather than make it.  Having disciplines is too much hard work.  It is easy to ignore one's conscience until it shrinks and is impossible to pay attention to.  The smaller a value is, the harder it is to grow.  It is not easy to try to feel what others feel.

Progress:  I am at the stage in narration in which I am finding all of the ways NOT to narrate.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/75.html

73

Monday, June 4, 2012, 11:10PM

Narration today felt like narrating to myself, but it was good narration.  How about that?

Progress:  Working on narration and improving visualization on the side.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/74.html

72

Sunday, June 3, 2012, 9:30PM

This is going to sound awfully abstract and sound like one of my old posts.
I got a text saying my friend wanted to skate.  I haven't seen him in days (it may as well be weeks in my perspective), so I thought I would surprise him by visiting.
I am replaying the wreck over and over.  A new daymare.  I thought I was done getting hit by cars.  Now I know why I get hit by cars, I think.
Here I am.  The left side of me red.  Skating down a huge hill.  Bailed.
Hydrogen peroxide.  Poured over and foamed inside me.  After poking at myself with a wet washcloth, this made me sick.
I was pretty far from home too.  I had to skate back.  Singing like I didn't care who heard.  Did you know I sing?  I'm terrible.  I bet the neighbors appreciated it.
I screamed my way up the hill, though.  The memory played over and over.  And again when I thought I could relax.
I popped three pills.  That's more than I've had in years.  I don't get hurt.  I don't get sick.  I'm making all sorts of realizations.
Evidently, he wasn't at his house anyway.  I texted my friend that I had just wrecked.  Laughing.
Two people heard me scream.  I assured them I was alright.  The old man gave me the strangest look.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm fine" I shouted.  I put my shoe back on to cover the bloody hole in my sock.
I didn't wash myself right away.  I was laughing a little.
Then I called my friend back.  I had just received a memory trigger and I am so used to doing things right away.  "When can you come to the party?"
You know what?  Daymares don't come from guilt alone.  Daymares come from something else.  Memories of pain to be vague.
I didn't think of my tulpa until now.  I had a small narration session today on a picnic table in a park I've never been to.  I was downwind of cigarette smoke, so my super-smell encouraged me to quit early.  The night is still young, so I can get some quality time with my pre-tulpa in.  I just thought I should type this all down before I forgot.  By the way, I have a ton of documents depicting memories of my life written in this write-what-you-can-remember-and-write-it-fast fashion.  I think I'll leave this moment in its raw form to stress the flow of my thought process.
I didn't wear a helmet or kneepads.  I protected my head by diverting all of the force to my hands until my arms could not hold.  Then I slid on my left side.  I'm no amateur at skating, after all.

I saw someone just a little younger than me walking, so I picked myself up and said hello.  Evidently, I had met him before and should know him, which confused him a bit.

Progress:  I have recently started narration, which seems easier than visualization, which at least has a good foundation.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/73.html

71

Saturday, June 2, 2012, 11:26PM

The troubles I have:
1) It is difficult not to parrot.
2) It is difficult to keep awareness of my tulpa for extended periods of time.
3) It is difficult to think of things to talk about that are normal.

What is normal?  Hmm...  I think we have a (one-sided) conversation!

Progress:  I have visualized the foundation of my tulpa's image and I am on the personality narration stage.  I will still be improving visualization, but I am not so worried about it anymore.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/72.html

70

Friday, June 1, 2012, 10:17PM

Hey-- happy June.  I've no clue what to do right now, but I'm going to narrate to my tulpa doing it.  I just got done with some piano.  It seems like years since I've played for real.  Now I'm going to try the guitar.  Try to talk while playing.

Now that I'm at this stage, I think personality is the most important aspect of a tulpa.  If I could do it all again, I would have worked on narration before visualization.

Progress:  Visualization is acceptable enough to work on personality, but still keep the image of my tulpa alive.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/06/71.html