Monday, April 30, 2012, 11:59PM
I fell asleep meditating, so this entry will be late. At least I know now to not lay down when I am this tired!
I am getting better still. I cannot think of any notes of interest. Lying down is a no-go. Distracting metal music is a no-go. Isotones are good. Even though I fell asleep meditating, I did not fall asleep thinking about my tulpa.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/05/39.html
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
37
Sunday, April 29, 2012, 10:29PM
I meditated at around 3PM, so this is a little late. Meditation was definitely the highlight of today. I am getting better with each session. My residence was the loft of my house on the couch that had my sitting imprint in it. I chose try meditating next to my brother-- I tend to do better at most activities when I have someone to sort of 'feed off of' nearby. My brain is getting better at comprehending complex shapes and keeping them from transforming. I had a piece of paper beside me and what I experienced, I had to write down.
Here is what I wrote down:
"I feel the opposite of what is was in my heart. Lightweight. Laughter."
If the release from this world has a good feeling, that was the feeling. I could not keep myself from smiling and, eventually, laughing. I tingled all over. It was like the pain that I was used to was gone or I was in that tingling stage of sleep. I didn't even feel gravity pulling me down. I felt true joy. My writing continued:
"No voice convincing me that laughter is a sign of lack of control and therefore weakness."
I felt like a kid who broke the vase, but my parents let me off the hook. I really need to stop emphasizing voices in my head. Think 'conscience.'
My hours of visualization were paying off. I was using the hallway in front of me to scale my tulpa. Facial features are still extremely abstract, but I eventually struggled with my mold to a good shape and kept that picture in my mind longer than I had hoped. When I got up to take a drink (I basically drink water non-stop throughout the day), I could see my tulpa better than I could with my eyes closed. I didn't want to go back to meditation because the image was imprinted right in front of me.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/38.html
I meditated at around 3PM, so this is a little late. Meditation was definitely the highlight of today. I am getting better with each session. My residence was the loft of my house on the couch that had my sitting imprint in it. I chose try meditating next to my brother-- I tend to do better at most activities when I have someone to sort of 'feed off of' nearby. My brain is getting better at comprehending complex shapes and keeping them from transforming. I had a piece of paper beside me and what I experienced, I had to write down.
Here is what I wrote down:
"I feel the opposite of what is was in my heart. Lightweight. Laughter."
If the release from this world has a good feeling, that was the feeling. I could not keep myself from smiling and, eventually, laughing. I tingled all over. It was like the pain that I was used to was gone or I was in that tingling stage of sleep. I didn't even feel gravity pulling me down. I felt true joy. My writing continued:
"No voice convincing me that laughter is a sign of lack of control and therefore weakness."
I felt like a kid who broke the vase, but my parents let me off the hook. I really need to stop emphasizing voices in my head. Think 'conscience.'
My hours of visualization were paying off. I was using the hallway in front of me to scale my tulpa. Facial features are still extremely abstract, but I eventually struggled with my mold to a good shape and kept that picture in my mind longer than I had hoped. When I got up to take a drink (I basically drink water non-stop throughout the day), I could see my tulpa better than I could with my eyes closed. I didn't want to go back to meditation because the image was imprinted right in front of me.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/38.html
Saturday, April 28, 2012
36.2
Saturday, April 28, 2012, 11:33PM
I meditated earlier today, but not for long. There is nothing to say as far as significance goes. Then again, I should explain anyway. I don't know what assumptions you've made as to how I meditate, so I will include all I can. I probably should have posted this a while ago, but better late than never.
I don't think I usually plan anything out, but I might feel more inclined to a certain method that day if I want to try something new. Like water, I will choose the path of least resistance.
I pick a quiet place and make sure it is dark. The last few times, I used my own dorm. While my roommate is asleep or away, I sit cross-legged and slouch into a relaxed position (I find that it is easier than sitting up straight). When the sun was rising, I put blankets up to block the light.
My hands do not touch, but are separated from one another by my smartphone, which stores figure anatomy references. My method of learning is not brute force-- it is trying all sorts of methods in order to find the right one that works the best.
I look at the images for a long time, noting the size and distance of the features of, say, a face. I trace the lines with my eyes and pretend to draw them. Sometimes I use my fingers. I try to appreciate the aspects that appeal to me-- aspects which make something beautiful. I have once or twice tried to 'scan' pictures with my eyes by analyzing it (extremely) slowly and snaking my tiny area of focus from the top right corner to the bottom left. I try looking at the pictures with my peripheral vision from every angle I can. I try checking up on the pictures even when I am not in a meditation session.
If I run into trouble, such as thinking a corrupt thought, I will stop. Usually, this only occurs in the beginning and I can tell how bad it will be by this. If it does not reveal itself until long into the meditation (past 25 minutes), then I will press onward instead of aborting and losing my hard-earned focus. I will not abort if I am weak in my awareness of my surroundings.*
*I have a theory that there is a semi-selfish awareness aspect to our minds that is constantly telling us, "You are alive and your location is your room." or "You exist and your location is unknown." It grows weak when you focus on something else. It can change when getting really into a movie, for example. The paradox of this is that one cannot say, "Hey! That part of my brain that usually reminds me of my own existence is asleep right now!" or else that part of the brain will activate. If I am correct, then this part of the brain contributes to the short delay/hesitation in what we say and do. I say this because those in the habit of selflessness tend to instinctively not base their decisions off of data relevant to themselves.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/37.html
I meditated earlier today, but not for long. There is nothing to say as far as significance goes. Then again, I should explain anyway. I don't know what assumptions you've made as to how I meditate, so I will include all I can. I probably should have posted this a while ago, but better late than never.
I don't think I usually plan anything out, but I might feel more inclined to a certain method that day if I want to try something new. Like water, I will choose the path of least resistance.
I pick a quiet place and make sure it is dark. The last few times, I used my own dorm. While my roommate is asleep or away, I sit cross-legged and slouch into a relaxed position (I find that it is easier than sitting up straight). When the sun was rising, I put blankets up to block the light.
My hands do not touch, but are separated from one another by my smartphone, which stores figure anatomy references. My method of learning is not brute force-- it is trying all sorts of methods in order to find the right one that works the best.
I look at the images for a long time, noting the size and distance of the features of, say, a face. I trace the lines with my eyes and pretend to draw them. Sometimes I use my fingers. I try to appreciate the aspects that appeal to me-- aspects which make something beautiful. I have once or twice tried to 'scan' pictures with my eyes by analyzing it (extremely) slowly and snaking my tiny area of focus from the top right corner to the bottom left. I try looking at the pictures with my peripheral vision from every angle I can. I try checking up on the pictures even when I am not in a meditation session.
If I run into trouble, such as thinking a corrupt thought, I will stop. Usually, this only occurs in the beginning and I can tell how bad it will be by this. If it does not reveal itself until long into the meditation (past 25 minutes), then I will press onward instead of aborting and losing my hard-earned focus. I will not abort if I am weak in my awareness of my surroundings.*
*I have a theory that there is a semi-selfish awareness aspect to our minds that is constantly telling us, "You are alive and your location is your room." or "You exist and your location is unknown." It grows weak when you focus on something else. It can change when getting really into a movie, for example. The paradox of this is that one cannot say, "Hey! That part of my brain that usually reminds me of my own existence is asleep right now!" or else that part of the brain will activate. If I am correct, then this part of the brain contributes to the short delay/hesitation in what we say and do. I say this because those in the habit of selflessness tend to instinctively not base their decisions off of data relevant to themselves.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/37.html
36
Saturday, April 28, 2012, 3:02AM
As you can tell by the time, I don't sleep until very late on Fridays, but that's not the point. As I was drifting off to sleep just now, I realized that I forgot to mention something. In response to the last post, I did not go running. I was going to do a few laps around the college track, but there was no track there! Instead, all I saw was dirt and a bulldozer.
My tulpa is psychic and my life is still like a movie.
Also, I have been looking back at some of the posts I have been making and they seem... what's the word? Scattered. I just want you all to know that I don't plan anything out. I just go with the flow and write whatever comes to mind.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/362.html
As you can tell by the time, I don't sleep until very late on Fridays, but that's not the point. As I was drifting off to sleep just now, I realized that I forgot to mention something. In response to the last post, I did not go running. I was going to do a few laps around the college track, but there was no track there! Instead, all I saw was dirt and a bulldozer.
My tulpa is psychic and my life is still like a movie.
Also, I have been looking back at some of the posts I have been making and they seem... what's the word? Scattered. I just want you all to know that I don't plan anything out. I just go with the flow and write whatever comes to mind.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/362.html
Friday, April 27, 2012
35
Friday, April 27, 2012, 9:17PM
I am skipping a rave right now, I think. I just got done meditating for 75 minutes. There is a chance that my tulpa wants to go on a run, so I will humor it. Then again, at this stage, I do not expect it to be my tulpa speaking. I just have a theory that it is healthy to start these kinds of habits-- I don't want to get into a mindset in which I ignore the voices in my head.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/36.html
I am skipping a rave right now, I think. I just got done meditating for 75 minutes. There is a chance that my tulpa wants to go on a run, so I will humor it. Then again, at this stage, I do not expect it to be my tulpa speaking. I just have a theory that it is healthy to start these kinds of habits-- I don't want to get into a mindset in which I ignore the voices in my head.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/36.html
Thursday, April 26, 2012
34
Thursday, April 26, 2012, 11:24PM
I didn't make my hour of meditation in, but I still have a little more time to redeem myself tonight. I am looking at everything with a more artistic perspective. This is less seeing in front of me and more paying attention to detail. Maybe I am just in a good mood lately. Maybe it is the relaxing meditation?
Earlier today, something happened which made my eyes open. I was taking a little snooze in math class (I already took calculus in high school-- give me a break!) when I felt a tap on the shoulder. It took me a second to realize that no one in the room touched me.
This brings me to my point of discussion. Psychology is very important to me and I hope I at least leave you with a better appreciation for it with my blog. One of the topics of psychology is the placebo effect. This means that you can give someone a fake medicine and tell them that it cures something-- and it will. Harry Potter did this to his friend Ron Weasley to make him more confident so he would do well in quittage. Our minds are very mysterious and very powerful.
If you've been reading my posts, you should know that I am pretty messed-up. Along with this, I have no idea how many months or years ago this occurred due to my skewed concept of time. I am remembering all of this because of recent events reminding me. See my post on triggers. Long story short, I have memory problems. I never told anyone(?) until I was caught on the spot one day. I had no mind-fuel left to fake vague knowledge, throw a distraction out, or pull any other tricks.
So, my mother found out. We scheduled for me to have a brain MRI (they took a 3D picture of my brain) to check for abnormalities. The MRI is a very safe procedure and does not harm patients unless they forget to mention surgical screws, teeth fillings, or any other metallic object that can be forcibly torn through flesh by the super-magnet. My father talked about the healing powers of magnets... how fortunate I was to live in this time. He is always very supportive. Optimistic. Not showing concern for the cost of the procedure.
I was pushed into the machine lying on my back. After a few minutes into the session, the magnet pulled at my brain, creating the most helpless sensation imaginable. The technician and my mother tried to suggest to me that I just imagined the feeling. I was shaking with fear. It is surreal when no one believes you. Nightmarish. I did not want to go back in. Then again, I am a psychologist at heart and I knew about these things-- the mind is powerful enough to create any illusion. I respected the authority of the professional. I must not have lost my trust of people at that time. I was slowly convinced to try it again.
After I settled down for a bit, I forgot about the foreign feeling. How did it feel? If I cannot remember how it felt, so they may be right. I lay down on the slab, got buried six feet into the cylinder, and closed my eyes. MRI's make scans at various frequencies, or so I was told by the technician. All I could think of were the happiest thoughts. The technician was firing different frequencies manually out of my sight. I had to trust her. I focused so hard that day-- on a utopia, a dream world, or some illusion to escape with.
Sometimes we can fool ourselves out of fear. Maybe it was my fear. Maybe my mind needs some balancing out. I can't be sure. All I know is, that it was real to me twice.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/35.html
I didn't make my hour of meditation in, but I still have a little more time to redeem myself tonight. I am looking at everything with a more artistic perspective. This is less seeing in front of me and more paying attention to detail. Maybe I am just in a good mood lately. Maybe it is the relaxing meditation?
Earlier today, something happened which made my eyes open. I was taking a little snooze in math class (I already took calculus in high school-- give me a break!) when I felt a tap on the shoulder. It took me a second to realize that no one in the room touched me.
This brings me to my point of discussion. Psychology is very important to me and I hope I at least leave you with a better appreciation for it with my blog. One of the topics of psychology is the placebo effect. This means that you can give someone a fake medicine and tell them that it cures something-- and it will. Harry Potter did this to his friend Ron Weasley to make him more confident so he would do well in quittage. Our minds are very mysterious and very powerful.
If you've been reading my posts, you should know that I am pretty messed-up. Along with this, I have no idea how many months or years ago this occurred due to my skewed concept of time. I am remembering all of this because of recent events reminding me. See my post on triggers. Long story short, I have memory problems. I never told anyone(?) until I was caught on the spot one day. I had no mind-fuel left to fake vague knowledge, throw a distraction out, or pull any other tricks.
So, my mother found out. We scheduled for me to have a brain MRI (they took a 3D picture of my brain) to check for abnormalities. The MRI is a very safe procedure and does not harm patients unless they forget to mention surgical screws, teeth fillings, or any other metallic object that can be forcibly torn through flesh by the super-magnet. My father talked about the healing powers of magnets... how fortunate I was to live in this time. He is always very supportive. Optimistic. Not showing concern for the cost of the procedure.
I was pushed into the machine lying on my back. After a few minutes into the session, the magnet pulled at my brain, creating the most helpless sensation imaginable. The technician and my mother tried to suggest to me that I just imagined the feeling. I was shaking with fear. It is surreal when no one believes you. Nightmarish. I did not want to go back in. Then again, I am a psychologist at heart and I knew about these things-- the mind is powerful enough to create any illusion. I respected the authority of the professional. I must not have lost my trust of people at that time. I was slowly convinced to try it again.
After I settled down for a bit, I forgot about the foreign feeling. How did it feel? If I cannot remember how it felt, so they may be right. I lay down on the slab, got buried six feet into the cylinder, and closed my eyes. MRI's make scans at various frequencies, or so I was told by the technician. All I could think of were the happiest thoughts. The technician was firing different frequencies manually out of my sight. I had to trust her. I focused so hard that day-- on a utopia, a dream world, or some illusion to escape with.
Sometimes we can fool ourselves out of fear. Maybe it was my fear. Maybe my mind needs some balancing out. I can't be sure. All I know is, that it was real to me twice.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/35.html
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
33
Wednesday, April 25, 2012, 10:16PM
Coffee really has an effect on me. It makes life so numb! I have decided to stop drinking it for the time being.
Today's session I learned that if I relax and stop concentrating so hard, then I can visualize better-- or scrutinize my efforts worse. I did not do as much visualizing in the beginning as much as simply listening to music and relaxing. It may be common for most people to simply lay on their bed and listen to music. I have a goal that one day I will be able to enjoy the simple things in life such as that. For now, I rarely listen to music without multitasking. My music for this evening?
Skrillex- La Roux 'In For The Kill'
Penny- Vienna (Billy Joel Cover)
Skrillex ft. Penny- All I Ask of You
Then nature sounds (on list repeat):
Relaxing Nature Scenes- Relaxing Sounds of Ocean Waves
Relaxing Sounds of Wind in the Meadow (Relaxation Mediation)
If any of my 20 devoted viewers wants to comment on meditation music that is searchable in Youtube, feel free!
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/34.html
Coffee really has an effect on me. It makes life so numb! I have decided to stop drinking it for the time being.
Today's session I learned that if I relax and stop concentrating so hard, then I can visualize better-- or scrutinize my efforts worse. I did not do as much visualizing in the beginning as much as simply listening to music and relaxing. It may be common for most people to simply lay on their bed and listen to music. I have a goal that one day I will be able to enjoy the simple things in life such as that. For now, I rarely listen to music without multitasking. My music for this evening?
Skrillex- La Roux 'In For The Kill'
Penny- Vienna (Billy Joel Cover)
Skrillex ft. Penny- All I Ask of You
Then nature sounds (on list repeat):
Relaxing Nature Scenes- Relaxing Sounds of Ocean Waves
Relaxing Sounds of Wind in the Meadow (Relaxation Mediation)
If any of my 20 devoted viewers wants to comment on meditation music that is searchable in Youtube, feel free!
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/34.html
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
32
Tuesday, April 24, 2012, 10:46PM
I decided not to rely too heavily on images for my last session. The session involved me trying my hardest to picture my tulpa, switching to something easier (a white circle), staring at the red light on the ceiling, thinking that it was Wednesday and panicking, and then deciding to try out a wonderland.
Wonderland...
I have had this notion in the back of my head that if teleportation existed, then people teleporting would throw up after they reached their destination. Other theories aside, I threw my guts up, fell in it, and stumbled around a bit. I cannot remember if I tried to spin around before or after I landed in the wonderland. If I started spinning before, then it was to orient myself and prove that I had control. Spinning in place is a technique for stabilizing a dream, so I figured it would help anchor me to a meditation fantasy world.
I started to talk to the blur of line and color that is my tulpa, which consisted of a pep talk about focus. I did not feel like I have progressed, except I noticed visualization in the beginning was better.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/33.html
I decided not to rely too heavily on images for my last session. The session involved me trying my hardest to picture my tulpa, switching to something easier (a white circle), staring at the red light on the ceiling, thinking that it was Wednesday and panicking, and then deciding to try out a wonderland.
Wonderland...
I have had this notion in the back of my head that if teleportation existed, then people teleporting would throw up after they reached their destination. Other theories aside, I threw my guts up, fell in it, and stumbled around a bit. I cannot remember if I tried to spin around before or after I landed in the wonderland. If I started spinning before, then it was to orient myself and prove that I had control. Spinning in place is a technique for stabilizing a dream, so I figured it would help anchor me to a meditation fantasy world.
I started to talk to the blur of line and color that is my tulpa, which consisted of a pep talk about focus. I did not feel like I have progressed, except I noticed visualization in the beginning was better.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/33.html
Monday, April 23, 2012
31
Monday, April 23, 2012, 11:26PM
Meditation did not go so well. It did not help that I had to relocate due to other people. The place I relocated to was brighter than I was used to. I think it will be better in the summer.
Well, that wasn't very entertaining!
I was wondering how everyone else was doing in the visualization process-- it seems that I am making very small steps. If I meditate long enough, the images get less blurry, less abstract, more orderly. I get proportions wrong. I get angles wrong. I get distances wrong. I can hardly pull at the lines to put them in their correct locations. It's like a person in caricature, a child's drawing, or a Picasso piece. A lot of the time, I cannot get a certain (incorrect) perspective out of my mind. I focus with all of my strength and can't seem to make it come into focus. Luckily, that is all that is going wrong. Soon, I will be meditating for two hours (or for the recommended, yet unrealistic three hours).
I wonder if it is my classes. I am really worn out. I am also starting a not-for-profit project on the side and I have been running around all day trying to pull strings and be a good boss. I have a part time job on the side of that, where I have to mentally deal with a coworker who doesn't do anything and gets paid more. I am also low on money.
Ever since starting this blog, I've pondered if I should put my face up online. I am not terrible-looking, but I might be a bit paranoid. Luckily, someone drew a sketch of me (without my permission, I might add :P). Maybe I could scan it.
Good night!
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/32.html
Meditation did not go so well. It did not help that I had to relocate due to other people. The place I relocated to was brighter than I was used to. I think it will be better in the summer.
Well, that wasn't very entertaining!
I was wondering how everyone else was doing in the visualization process-- it seems that I am making very small steps. If I meditate long enough, the images get less blurry, less abstract, more orderly. I get proportions wrong. I get angles wrong. I get distances wrong. I can hardly pull at the lines to put them in their correct locations. It's like a person in caricature, a child's drawing, or a Picasso piece. A lot of the time, I cannot get a certain (incorrect) perspective out of my mind. I focus with all of my strength and can't seem to make it come into focus. Luckily, that is all that is going wrong. Soon, I will be meditating for two hours (or for the recommended, yet unrealistic three hours).
I wonder if it is my classes. I am really worn out. I am also starting a not-for-profit project on the side and I have been running around all day trying to pull strings and be a good boss. I have a part time job on the side of that, where I have to mentally deal with a coworker who doesn't do anything and gets paid more. I am also low on money.
Ever since starting this blog, I've pondered if I should put my face up online. I am not terrible-looking, but I might be a bit paranoid. Luckily, someone drew a sketch of me (without my permission, I might add :P). Maybe I could scan it.
Good night!
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/32.html
Sunday, April 22, 2012
30
Sunday, April 22, 2012, 11:11PM
I just got back from my hourly meditation and I am feeling slightly nauseous from the intensity. I tried to go past the hour, but my head hurt. Ever since I started caffeine every morning, I have been tired after lunch. I could have easily fallen asleep at any time today. I've been practically sleepwalking! Perhaps that helped put me in a better meditative state? The first 25 minutes of meditation felt like a complete failure, but eventually I was able to animate my tulpa with facial expressions (mostly mouth). Most of the progress took place with my eyes open and looking into the nearly lightless room I was in.
I am incredibly tired right now and my eyes hurt. I usually wake up at seven (even on the weekends) and today was no exception. I would like to go to bed right now, but my roommate will stay up for another hour or so. I am a very light sleeper.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/31.html
I just got back from my hourly meditation and I am feeling slightly nauseous from the intensity. I tried to go past the hour, but my head hurt. Ever since I started caffeine every morning, I have been tired after lunch. I could have easily fallen asleep at any time today. I've been practically sleepwalking! Perhaps that helped put me in a better meditative state? The first 25 minutes of meditation felt like a complete failure, but eventually I was able to animate my tulpa with facial expressions (mostly mouth). Most of the progress took place with my eyes open and looking into the nearly lightless room I was in.
I am incredibly tired right now and my eyes hurt. I usually wake up at seven (even on the weekends) and today was no exception. I would like to go to bed right now, but my roommate will stay up for another hour or so. I am a very light sleeper.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/31.html
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