101

Monday, July 2, 2012, 9:39PM

Usually, I can't go more than a 10-minute stretch at once (and even that is full of empty space), but the time gets slightly longer or more frequent each day.  These days, I don't keep track of how long I narrate at once unless it is related to the numbers on a treadmill or to the time I woke up.

I used to get on the IRC and check up on the blogs and be in awe of how individuals acted casually about this.  I didn't think they were nearly as serious as I was about it, but they could just put their minds to it and get it done.  Then like a switch, the same people who talk about cartoons and memes become the enlightened masters I wish I had.
 
I have a less psychological theory about how I think I need to progress.  It has worked with a (very) few other situations in my life, so why not apply it to this one?  Well, here's how I think this works-- I need to just... lose.  I need to lose the battle, but not the war.

Declare goal.
Work toward goal.
Struggle.
Become humble.
Retaliate.<I am now here.
Exhaustion.
Defeat.
Natural epiphany.

I need to be crushed by the intensity of all the energy I've put into this.  I am like Atlas right now, holding a planet-sized mass of my efforts, frustration, and other thoughts.  I need to let it fall down on me.  Instead of trying my best to grasp something, I need to let it manipulate me.


The thing is, I can't purposely let go.  It has to be real.  I have to try to keep holding it up as it gets heavier.  I need to fight against it until exhaustion.  I won't have it any other way.

I used to be a runner.  I got to learn a lot about time.  Time seems to slow down while running.  Fifty minutes of long-distance running each day is not easy to get used to, but I've always liked that number.  It sort of retaliates against the number sixty.  It is like fourty-nine lashes being mercy from that fiftieth 'straw that breaks the camel's back'.  Fifty is an incredible, unbearable number.  Running is unbearable at 10 minutes if you try hard.  This is why I am going to start off at fifty minutes tonight.

Progress:  I am at the stage of retaliation.
Power session: 50 minutes.

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