110

Wednesday, July 11, 2012, 12:20AM

It was good while it lasted.
I thought it might be worthy to note that I've been able to think in pictures lately.  Until last night, I have been able to simply think of something and see it in my head.  Last night, I dug too deep when I tried to focus on a person's nose.  The lesson was that if I don't know what every part of a person looks like, then I shouldn't even try to fill in the gaps with my imagination.  As you may have already guessed, the nose was corrupted a bit.  Instead of aborting the thought process, I hopelessly subjected myself to focusing on it in an attempt to change things back to the way they were.  I ended up aborting before it would get worse.
Even though I this is related to daymares, I don't really count this as a true daymare.  This is an on-the-spot definition, but I think a daymare is a forced memory (which can be real, altered, or completely unrelated to the victim's life) which causes harm (mentally-draining, increased heartbeat, chest pain, and those imagined feelings from the memory such as fear, guilt, or physical injury).  When my thoughts become corrupted, it becomes difficult to explain.  I'm very certain it is related to daymares, but I can't put a word to it besides corruption.

Why?
I may have mentioned my theories before:
My brain wants to subject myself to negative emotions frequently in order to let off steam.  If I didn't have frequent small ones to prepare me for the (in comparison) huge daymares, they would render me mentally harmed.  I need to callous my mind to prepare.  Cover my brain with mud to block the scorching sun.
I block out memories because they are too much for me to handle.
I block out memories because they are too beautiful and they would make me see everything I am experiencing as hellish in comparison.
I have a huge conscience, therefore I have huge empathy.
I have huge empathy, therefore I have a huge conscience.
I am actually an evil person and my brain is trying to make me good via subjecting me to 'see how you like it' simulations.
I am trying to recover from some terrible mentally-scarring event that I am suppressing.
I am constantly thinking and it separates me from normal perspectives of reality, which prevents me from relying on memories like other people.
I am constantly thinking, therefore I have no time to keep track of memories.
I am constantly thinking, therefore I convert constructs normally used for memory into other problem-solving constructs (pretty inefficient if you ask me, but the brain's the boss).
I have no memories, therefore I learned to adapt to social situations.
I am excellent at social adaptation, therefore I do not need memories.
My subconscious knows that negative feelings are bad, therefore it subjects me to them in order to make myself 'invincible' to them.  Defiant to daymares.  "Is that all you got?"  A masochist even.  "You can't hurt me when I take pleasure from the pain."
There are theories I do not want to say because they feed off of being spoken about.  Use your imagination, I don't like to go there.
I have seen or known too much happen to the friends I meet.  Innocents turning to drugs, alcohol, cutting, and living in tragic homes.
Everything I am is the result of having no childhood.
I have multiple personalities, each with its own memory and possibly even a combination of the above.  This theory exponentiates the possibilities.

In other news... I still have a powersession tonight.  I might edit this list with other theories.

Progress: Tulpa personality narration.

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