52

Monday, May 14, 2012, 9:40PM

Started meditating when it was light outside.  I opened my eyes again to find it night.  That was pretty cool.

I am so happy-- I don't know why!  I can't get rid of this goofy smile-- people must think I'm nuts...

My tulpa is very strange-- surprising no one.  My indecisive personality switches between two variants of the tulpa and I cannot decide what to do about it.  Each time, I think I learn/progress/achieve more than I have in my entire tulpa career.  It's not like I'm getting a little bit better each time.  It's not like a runner getting a few seconds faster each year.  I cannot think of anything in this world that grows at this rate and still has an unimaginable way to go.  I'm going from atoms to planets here.

On another note... the daymare of this session.  Don't read this if you can think of a reason not to read something gruesome.  There is some part of me that wants to subject me to past memories.  They are never good memories either.  I watched a video some time ago in which someone jumped off of a three-story building and survived.  That was the memory that played over and over.  Keep in mind that I have extreme empathy, so I felt the shocks in my bones.  After I surfaced from that daymare, the aftershocks came into effect.  I fell into that daymare again, but that curious part of my brain wondered how it would feel like to walk on broken legs.  Once I surfaced from it, all I heard was a broken record "Walk on broken legs."  I am literary-minded, so I imagined both myself walking with my legs broken and I imagined myself breaking the legs of others (keep in mind that I am not a violent person and would not think of these if I had a choice).

Progress:  Still in visualization stage.  I still battle concentration sickness and daymares.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/05/53.html