67

Tuesday, May 29, 2012, 11:38PM

I'm a little worried here.  I'm not putting hope into anything, but I will assume that the noticeability of my progress will eventually catch up to me.  Eventually.

Tonight felt like a complete waste of time.  This whole project-- I don't know.  I rarely involve myself in simplicity.  This making a tulpa-- it's not something that's easy to do.  I envy people who can do it. 

I don't think I'm serious enough (or am I too serious?).  No.  My life is too full.  Even in the summer, I have plans tomorrow.  So I stress tonight.  From what I've learned, people cannot just get rid of something in their mind.  They must replace.  It works this way with habits, interests, friends, obsessions, and that occasional song that gets stuck in our heads.

What's in my head?

Anger, maybe?  It might be that letter I got.  They didn't hire me.  The interview went better than expected.  I was qualified.  I impressed the man on my right.  What happened next could mean different things to different people.  The man on my left wouldn't even look me in the eyes.  My mind plays it over and over.  I don't know what's going on in his life.  How tired he is.  Who I remind him of.  I don't know.  I have to use my imagination.  All I know is that by not crossing the social barrier by asking him up front, I have added another method of torture for use on myself.  This isn't the worst daymare in the book, but daymares are the only memories that stay.

I don't know how everyone else does it.  They make it look so easy.  I need to get more serious even when tulpae are created lightheartedly by others.

Progress:  It's hard to see where I'm at right now.

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