Thursday, April 12, 2012, 11:31PM
WARNING: Abstract descriptions ahead.
I was going to talk to you about my past. I have tried around three times today to put it into words. Each time, I was unsatisfied, so I will simply extract the moral of the story so you can know me better. It turns out that simply typing with no plan works better than describing an example.
People have broken my trust in the past, leaving me an empty shell who expects everyone to be a liar. For many cases, I have been right, which has unfortunately led to me generalizing negative traits to most people I think have any chance of wanting to gain out of a situation. Because of this, I tend to analyze people for signs foreshadowing their impending flaws. I judge people.
I'm not one to agree with the cultural phenomenon of 'blaming', but I am not going to say I am innocent in the matter. I probably could take serious action against my habit. Until then, I beat myself up all the time-- cursing my eyes for being able to see. Telling myself I would be better off blind.
I still get daymares to further strain myself with guilt. Like the aftershocks of an earthquake, I constantly remind myself of my shortcomings.
When I am alone, I let my guard down. I try to rest by lowering my mind's heavy shield. The flashbacks begin. I take the bombardment of memories. I am still awake, but I am not seeing with my eyes. The vividness of the images makes me reenact the scenes. When I surface from each memory, I take a breath and feel my heart beat heavily. After four or five, I wonder if it is over and my curiosity gets the best of me. I peek back into my mind and fall into another heart attack hole. My chest is in pain from the changes in pace, the lack of oxygen, and me digging my fingernails into my chest in repentance... or masochism. I am telling myself I deserve them. Sometimes I try to make them more vivid-- is it to challenge their authenticity or to drive the stake deeper?
I would like to bring up that a tulpa would be able to 'speak my language'. I could actually spill my guts to it and feel free. I can imagine the feeling of the belts around my heart being cut and unbound.
Until then, I cannot keep my guard up forever. I have to sleep sometime.
http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/21.html
I'm assuming, creating a Tulpa would help you. With the help of your Tulpa, you could actively put an end to all the guilt and mistrust you feel towards other people.
ReplyDeleteCould even work as a therapy, if there are no dangers involved.
That is being very optimistic. I would be glad if creating a tulpa would simply stop the damage from getting worse. A tulpa knows you inside and out. A tulpa is someone who understands exactly how you feel. There are no social barriers with a tulpa. What better therapy could there be?
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