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Saturday, April 14, 2012, 9:51PM

WARNING:  Protect your innocence-- don't read this unless you want desperate help
because I don't want you to have my thought processes

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/23.html

Butterflies and rainbows... butterflies and rainbows...
I wish.  Right now, it's quite the opposite.
I'm in one of those mindsets.  I tried to visualize, but my mind kept straying into dark thoughts.  As I've said before-- I am curious by nature.  Some part of me wants to sabotage the whole operation.  I believe this is a defense mechanism I have developed due to mistrust.  The basic concept of why I would stray into these thoughts might be a combination of my lack of concentration and my need to visualize all routes and options.  This eventually leads to, "What don't I want to imagine?"  and then I imagine it.  Maybe I need to be more simple-minded.  Maybe I need to be more carefree.

Whenever I do imagine something terrible, such as warping my tulpa's features, I am not doing it on purpose.  If it were up to me, trust me-- I wouldn't.  If anything, it is by habit.  After I know I am straying into the, "Dear God--"  I get out of there.  I get chills and tears just thinking of it.  I abort and focus on everything I am thankful of.  I think I need more sleep to improve focus.  Also, my plan is to keep returning.  I won't let this win.  Eventually, I theorize, my brain will realize that I don't want to think of (insert horror here).

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/23.html