27

Thursday, April 19, 2012, 1:40AM

I drank coffee at 7:00PM so I would have a crash later.  I think it took about four or five hours last time.  I am not feeling the crash, so if I do not fall asleep as soon as I lay down, I will drink more next time.
I have earplugs under my headphones.  I am listening to soundtracks from FAQman's blog's download site-- isotones.  I timed myself based on how many tracks I go through.  This session totaled about one hour.  I went over an hour, but I got up a few times to type my experiences.
My back is killing me for some reason.  I alternate between the cross-legged sit and lying on my back.  I almost fell asleep when I curled up into a ball.
Still using reference picture.  I look at it, then visualize, then look again to correct myself.  I am getting noticeably better.
Before I start, I think nice thoughts.  Unlike the last two times, I did not think of the four key personality traits of my tulpa: intelligence, kindness, peace, and thankfulness.  It still worked well.

I got hit with a daymare for the first time while visualizing.  I was apologizing to someone.  The event never occurred-- I was making the scene up.  In reality, though, I had wronged that person.  The daymare was a representation of the remorse I felt.  I was telling the person that it would not be long until I would be out of that person's life.  I aborted and begin to think thankful thoughts again because I realized that I did not spend as much time on it as last time.

I visualized my tulpa's mouth enough to make the lines convincing.  It began to snap at me.  I aborted by opening my eyes like they were taped together.  Just like waking from a nightmare.  I jump back in after a few breaths.

I reached out to touch my tulpa, as I could visualize it after about a half hour.  The goal was to sculpt the shape with my hands in order to visualize the lines better.  I should have known better.  For a moment, I thought it was a bad idea, but the moment was too short to carry any weight in the decision.  With my hands on its cheeks, I realized the situation I put myself in and tried to back out.  The last glimpse I had was my forearms flexing to tear its fragile head off.  I know I am not an angry or violent person.  I'm just trapped with the thoughts of one.

The remaining time was spent on the eyes.  Eyes have a unique curve to them and I have a habit of visualizing them to be narrower than they should be.  I did not want to keep the narrow eye in my mind, so I would abort whenever it was not wide enough.  Eventually, it got wide enough, but I don't want to say it is perfect.

I imagined the tulpa-in-progress three-dimensionally from several angles.  It worked fairly well.  Overall, I saw a lot of progress and success, but I became tired and I knew I had to get up in five hours.

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/28.html