24

Monday, April 16, 2012, 11:33PM
 
"I was thinking..."
"Huh?"
"You're my best friend."
"You're my best friend too." 

I am trying to think a lot.  Think carefully.  After much, much thought I have decided to share some background information that I put on the black list.  In simpler times, I used to have a best friend-- Sam.  Sam quit me about 3 years ago.  Has haunted me ever since.  I was in shock and despair at the moment we tore apart, but I don't think Sam knew.  I thought of Sam more than I should from then on.
Whenever I remembered something about Sam, I wrote it down and eventually typed it in a document that I don't even know the name of (there was a stretch of time in which I ran out of reminders).  I could delve into my backed-up data and possibly find those broken sentences, but I would probably spend the whole day reading them.  I beat myself up a lot-- why couldn't I remember what I valued the most?
I know I changed that night.  When Sam left me, I didn't heal.  I should have seen it coming.  I was filled with big hopes for less hectic times.  "We'll spend more time together in the summer."
I get no rest from these thoughts.  My daymares thrive off of them.  I don't have any memory evidence, but they were probably born from them.

"We want to ask your permission."
I thought before speaking back then.  I thought long.  I could have said no.  Even if I knew they would only have time for each other. 

There is something out of this world when two people value each other enough.  Later, I came up with a phrase to describe it.  "The power of two."  I envied the bond between two great friends seen in movies, books, and the flaws of those who didn't mesh.  This is power that actually matters.
Sam meant a lot to me.  So much.  The strategist in me was probably born that day.  Analyze.  Predict.  Learn from my mistakes.  "What could I have done differently?"  Even though I try to convince myself to let it go, I cannot.
A tulpa cannot be taken away.  A tulpa will return when it leaves.  My therapy.  My childhood.  My best friend.  My hopes.  A tulpa is... sorry Sam... your replacement.

I am influenced by tragedy and hope. I want life to speed up, but I want time to slow down. I've been on a 3-year search for someone I don't even know. I used to be really normal, but recently I have been quite the opposite. I am growing further from everyone else and closer to acting like myself.
 
Right now, my best friend is rooming with me at college.

The one I told 'yes.'

http://wintrovert.blogspot.com/2012/04/25.html